Baker Blog

Haiku Friday - The Week of July 6, 2009

I thought things were supposed to slow down in July. Apparently, the world did not get the memo. Between Sarah Palin bailin' (thank you, New York Post, for that one) and Mike Jackson dyin', the media was in a veritable frenzy, awash with news of washed-up, has-beens, whose careers and/or actual bodies had ceased to be.

Oh, and there was other stuff too, summarized forthwith:

Barack in Russia.
"Can't we all just get along?"
Dmitri says "Da!"

Michael Jackson: dead.
Funeral = party.
Enough already.

China keeps killing,
then blocks Internet access.
What a bunch of thugs.

The G8 have lunch.
"We must cut greenhouse gases!"
China says: "F-U!"

Iran back at it.
The "Supreme Leader" cracks down.
Democracy? Feh!

Ensign pays off babe.
G.O.P. is imploding.
Kind of fun to watch.

"New" GM is here.
It's leaner, meaner, better.
Except for the cars.

If you are out fishing this weekend and you run into an attractive, out-of-work, slightly incoherent, fishy-smelling woman, say "hi" to Governor Palin for me.

The media is dead, buried with Michael Jackson

One of the Twitter feeds I follow is called The Media is Dying. It chronicles all the media outlets that are laying-off people or shutting down entirely.

Well, it is no longer necessary. The media officially buried itself with its sycophantic coverage of Michael Jackson's funeral. It was embarrassing beyond description. Tuesday night, ABC World News devoted something like 14 of its 22 minutes to:

- scenes of the funeral
- discussion of the funeral
- discussion of the significance of Michael Jackson

It was "Entertainment Tonight", with Charlie Gibson anchoring.

Popes, presidents and kings do not get this kind of coverage. And never mind what one thinks of Michael Jackson, his music, his lifestyle, his legal troubles or anything else. The fact is that he was a pop singer. Yes, one of the most successful in history, but he was a POP SINGER!

If you are the managing editor of CNN, ABC News or any of the others, you include the funeral as a 30 second story, with maybe 15 seconds of video. Then, you move on to less important news - like two wars, the economy, a presidential summit in Russia and ethnic cleansing in China.

No wonder the media is dead.

Haiku Friday (on Thursday) - The Week of June 29, 2009

This weekend we celebrate the birth of the greatest nation on Earth. It can be depressing to think that this is the same nation that produced Joseph McCarthy, Aldrich Ames and Bernie Madoff.

But we also gave the world Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Edison and Flavor Flav, so, you know, we can't be all bad.

In fact conflict, contradiction and turmoil are rooted in the very fabric of any great, creative nation. As Orson Wells said in The Third Man: 

"In Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love - they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock."

So, we take the bad with the good and through it all, the United States is at once the most reviled and envied country in history.

And speaking of history, some was made this past week:

"Bernie gets the max!
Going to jail until death.
Live long, DON'T prosper.

Fair play rules in Court.
Hire based on merit, not race.
Sonia got it wrong.

Start to leave Iraq.
They can take care of themselves?
Not very likely.

Minnesota done!
Al Franken in the Senate!
At last, it's over!

Tough times for Arnold.
California is flat broke.
I.O.U.s must do.

The U.S. is fat.
Mississippi is the worst.
Dude - have a salad.

Mark Sanford is nuts.
He really needs to shut up.
Resigning might help.

It's the 4th of July weekend. Don't forget to set something on fire (a burger), blow something up (fireworks or the Taliban) and make a lot of noise (repeatedly confess to an affair in Argentina). It's the American way.

"Cash-for-Clunkers": Congress Screws the Pooch, Again

My wife's 1996 Saab may be in the process of shuffling off its mortal coil. So we're talking (JUST talking) about what her next car might be.

Wouldn't you know - Congress recently passed the "Cash-for-Clunkers"  legislation that allows people to trade in their old cars and receive up to $4,500 from the feds.

Problem is, the program is so riddled with caveats and qualifications as to which cars can be traded-in and which qualify for the rebate that it's almost impossible for any normal car owner to get in on the action.

In fact, I ran an analysis and it appears that the ONLY people who can get the rebate are owners of a 1988 Chevrolet Caprice Classic who are planning on buying a Honda Civic Hybrid. This means that, based on the most recent motor vehicle registrations, Orville Simpkins of Elk Horn, Iowa, is the only person in the country who will actually qualify for the rebate.

"We only buy a car every 20 years or so, so I guess our timing is pretty good," said Simpkins, owner of the local Suds & Duds Laundrette. "Normally, we only buy Chevys, but I hear that GM went out of business, so we're going to buy one of those little Japanese models I read about. If Congress wants to kick in a few thousand, well, so much the better."

When asked what Congress would do with the leftover $999,995,500 in the program, a staffer for the House Appropriations Committee said "road trip."

Haiku Friday - The Week of June 22, 2009

Sometimes, events come at you so fast and furious, it's like drinking from a fire hose.

Other times, there are singular events that are so pregnant with comedic possibility, it's like... drinking from a fire hose.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is an example of the latter. Except that he has four kids and and a wife who don't deserve to catch the shrapnel of this jerk's life.

So, we'll just add the good governor to the list of philandering political hypocrites - Democrats and Republicans - who are so stupid and so arrogant, they actually believe that they can, and that they have a right to, get away with this stuff.

You seriously have to ask yourself which is more of an affront: The fact that these men did these acts, or that they hold their constituents in such low regard, that they think we are too stupid to catch on.

So, we'll add Mark Sanford to our weekly round-up of the who's, what's, where's and when's of our lives, packaged in juicy, little, bite-sized morsels - like fresh-picked June strawberries.

Obama gets tough:
Says Iran should knock it off.
Iran says: "Bite me."

Mark Sanford is gone!
He went to Argentina
to [____] his mistress.

Barack sent love note
to crackpot "supreme leader."
Nothing in response.

The Supreme Court rules:
"No strip searching our children."
Principals - take note.

Oh, I almost forgot. Governor Sanford, if you're reading this, John Edwards, Eliot Spitzer and John Ensign called. They need a fourth for poker this weekend.

Justice is Done: The Supreme Court Gets it Right

A couple of months ago, this blog commented on the strip search case that was argued before the U.S. Supreme Court.

In an 8-1 decision, the Court today ruled that, indeed, this girl's rights were violated by an egregiously over-reaching school administration in Safford, Arizona. The Fourth Amendment stands strong, at least in this case. The one dissent? Clarence Thomas. Time to punch his ticket.

I do not have kids, but I do have nieces and nephews. If this were to happen to any of them, I would be tempted to go see that school administrator and mete out my own form of punishment on him. Thankfully, there are laws against that. And, as the Supreme Court proved today - we are a nation of laws.

A Tale of Two Seattle Companies: Amazon and Boeing

***WARNING - THIS BLOG IS ABOUT TO MAKE A REALLY RIDICULOUS AND UNFAIR COMPARISON BETWEEN TWO COMPANIES THAT ARE IN SUCH UNRELATED BUSINESSES, THEY MIGHT AS WELL BE SELLING BOOKS AND AIRPLANES.***

I started buying books from Amazon in 1996. But for a brief period a few years ago, when I was mad at Amazon for something (I think it was getting gouged on shipping charges by one of their independent merchants), this company has consistently provided great prices, great customer service and a tendency to under-promise and over-deliver. For example, Amazon says that something will ship, for free, in 8-10 days and then it shows up three days later.

Contrast that with Boeing, which today announced yet another delay in the first flight of its 787 Dreamliner jet.

This airplane is arguably one of the most anticipated in the history of commercial aviation. Boeing adopted a totally new development and manufacturing model that involves outsourcing various parts to manufacturers around the world and then assembling them in Seattle. Thus far, this has proved to be an unmitigated disaster.

Boeing customers (the airlines) are getting pissed off at the delays and investors are getting antsy.

Most important, though, is the message this sends to the ultimate end-user of Boeing products - the flying public.

The 787 has been so fraught with delays and problems, you have to wonder about the pressures within Boeing to get this thing out the door.

Of course, any flight certification will only come after rigorous testing and government approvals. Boeing is truly one of the great companies of the world and eventually this plane will fly and people will accept it just as they do any other airplane.

But maybe Boeing needs to take a page from its Seattle neighbor Amazon's playbook. That is - stop this death by a thousand cuts and just come clean with everyone - customers, investors and the flying public. Get all the bad news out at once and maybe pad it a little toward the negative.

Then, you can come in ahead of this worst-case scenario and get on with building great planes and kicking the crap out of those annoying French over at Airbus.

(Image: Boeing)

Haiku Friday - The Week of June 15, 2009

A big weekend coming up!

Sunday is both Father's Day and the first day of summer - the longest day of the year! (And you thought the longest day was that budget meeting you sat through on Tuesday...)

Of course, on Sunday, don't forget to get dad a day of beauty, complete with pedicure and... wait. Sorry.

And, what better way to honor dad than to recall those simpler times, before TV, when the family would sit around the kitchen table, writing haiku.

Here's what happened this week:

Barack to the docs:
"You need to make less money."
The docs say: "F*ck you!"

Iranians vote.
They elect a terrorist
who will build the bomb.

Tehran is burning.
The government is killing.
Time for regime change.

Sammy Sosa juiced.
He joins Manny and A-Rod
in the hall of shame.

Barack and the banks:
"We need better oversight!"
Please - just NOT Congress.

RIAA wins.
File sharer will pay HUGE fine.
Stop stealing music!

If you are a dad - Happy Father's Day. If you have a dad - call him or pour him a glass of scotch or just let him watch the Yankees game and the U.S. Open in peace.

"Tell Scorsese to Hold! I'm on the Phone with my Brother-in-Law!"

Authors, artisans, filmmakers. Members of my family seem to be popping up all over the creative landscape these days.

(Alas, my contribution to the cultural pantheon is this blog, but I am more than happy to bask in the reflected glory of these talented people.)

If you live anywhere within signal range of Vermont, tune in tonight to the Vermont Public TV airing of "Operation Spitfire", a documentary directed by my brother-in-law, Eric Bessette, for the Lake Champlain Maritime Museum.  It's a film about the discovery and preservation of Benedict Arnold's gunboat, which was sunk in Lake Champlain during the Revolutionary War.

I don't know much about American history, but I do know that when Benedict Arnold leaked plans of Pearl Harbor to the Koreans, it changed the course of the Vietnam War forever.

This documentary will no doubt shed more light on those momentous events.

Congress: "We Took Care of Bank Oversight. Now - Text Messaging!"

Let me get this straight: In the midst of economic ruin, Congress is taking time to hold hearings on... text messaging???

Yep. Rather than tell people to, oh, I don't know - STOP TEXTING - Congress hauls the wireless carriers into hearings and asks them why they are making so much money on text messages.

In the spirit of my occasional "Fantasy Congressional Testimony" series, I've imagined how the hearings would go if I worked for Verizon Wireless and was called before Congress:

Senator Dipshit: "Mr. Baker - can you explain to this committee why your company is making so much money on text messages?"

Me: "Because people want to text, so we are more than willing to sell them the ability to do so. Were you out the day they taught capitalism in the second grade, senator?"

Senator Asshat: "But Mr. Baker - those text messages only cost your company about 1/10 of a cent to carry, yet you are charging some customers up to 20 cents. How can you justify this?"

Me: "Well, senator, I'm glad you asked. You see, we have a nationwide team of assassins who go out and threaten to kill our customers unless they send banal, useless messages to each other about what kind of coffee they are having or how Cindy slept with Timmy last night after the football game. Our customers are so scared of being murdered by us, that they just keep texting away. You might say that we have a gun to their head."

Senator Dickfor: "Really?"

Me: "No, you moron. Believe or not, people do not have to text at all. We've survived all but the last three years of human history without text messaging, but somehow you are treating it as if we were jacking up the prices on penicillin or oxygen. For the love of Mike, can you go 10 seconds without giving in to every sniveling, illiterate constituent of yours whose daughter racked up $900 in text charges last month and rather than pay it, they go running to you and ask that hearings be held? What the f*ck are we doing here???"

I have been told that, for some reason, I would have a tough time running for any sort of public office. I can't imagine why.

Connecticut Electricity Choice: "Just Try It! We Dare You!"

More than a decade ago, the Connecticut legislature passed electricity deregulation. It was all the rage back then. The idea was, of course, to enable competition and let people save money by picking the lowest-cost generator. (Transmission and distribution would still be handled by the incumbent utilities - CL&P and United Illuminating.)

Problem was - there was no competition for about nine years.

Now, finally, there are a number of generation companies competing for my business. The best offers are two cents per kilowatt hour cheaper than what CL&P charges. That may not sound like much, except when you do the math. For us, during the winter, that can translate into a savings of $70/month or more. (We have an electric heat pump.)

So, back in February, I finally got around to signing up with a new supplier to take advantage of these long-promised savings.

It is now June and nothing has happened. Sure, I got a confirmation letter from my new supplier (Dominion Resources) welcoming me as a new customer. But, I received my latest bill and I am still paying CL&P its old rate.

I tried to get someone on the phone from the State of Connecticut, but no one answers. I tried to fill out a form on the Connecticut DPUC web site, but after you fill it out and hit "submit" it says "Page Not Found".

But, there is good news. That same bunch of lame-brains who brought us deregulation is now talking about taking it away.

Yep - now that we finally (allegedly) have choice, they have decided "never mind". They say deregulation didn't work and this NEW plan will "save us money". Famous last words.

But fear not. Our elected leaders are on the ball. They did manage to pass reindeer legislation this year, so, we have THAT going for us.

Haiku Friday - The Week of June 8, 2009

Here's the thing: These aren't really haiku.

Haiku is an extremely refined form of poetry that combines art, rhythm, nature and beauty into a subtle, elegant consommé.

What you see here are the 17-syllable rantings of a pasty-white, middle-aged guy from Connecticut, who should be ashamed of co-opting one of the world's most exquisite literary forms, in a crass attempt at humor.

And yet, I feel no remorse whatsoever.

Tell you what: The next time some drunk Japanese accountant belts out a boozy, PBR-fueled version of "On the Road Again" or "Luck be a Lady" at his favorite Ginza saloon, we'll call it even.

Ginsburg blocks Chrysler!
We will have to wait longer
to buy a Fiat.

Never mind - it's done.
Chrysler and Fiat are one.
Will YOU buy their cars?

Palm launches the Pre!
Apple responds: "New iPhone!"
Recession? Guess not.

Big banks pay back loans.
Prez says we made a profit!
I'll take mine in cash.

Swine flu: Pandemic!
W.H.O. says so!
Joe Biden stays home!

Oil keeps going up.
It's now more than 70.
Fiat, anyone?

Analog is dead.
Digital TV starts now.
Time to read a book.

Have a swell weekend and don't forget to stock up on cigarettes before the government removes all the addictive, carcinogenic fun.

Hangin' With the Smart Kids (and Hoping Some Rubs off...)

I'm lucky. My life is filled with interesting people. My job keeps me in touch with some of the smartest people in journalism and the technology sector. Friends and family also have interesting lives - from police officers, to graphic designers to mathematicians.

My mother and and father-in-law are both retired math professors. Jerry King, my dad-in-law, just published his latest book called Mathematics in 10 Lessons: The Grand Tour.

He discusses his inspiration for writing the book here. As you can see, he is passionate about his subject matter.

When my wife and I visit, and Jerry starts talking math, he usually loses me right after he asks "So, how was the traffic?"

But that's OK. The book is a great read, in spite of my math handicap. And besides, I still know more than he does about how to fix his computer and the kitchen drain, so if he knows what's good for him, he'll humor me.

Haiku Friday - The Week of June 1, 2009

I was going to do this big, long diatribe intro about GM and Citigroup getting booted from the Dow Jones Industrial Average, and the future of capitalism and market forces and blah, blah, blah but then I realized - there is a Hummer-sized load of news to haiku about this week!

So, here's your news digest, in nicely digestible, sushi-sized chunks:

GM is now dead.
Wait! No! It lives after all!
And look: We own it!

Sotomayor meets.
Makes the rounds in the Senate.
A lot of white males...

China buys Hummer.
Now the Chinese can enjoy
gas-guzzling road hogs.

Barack out of town.
He kisses the Saudis' feet,
just as George Bush did.

Dueling news stories:
Obama? No! Osama!
Bin Laden makes threats.

Tiananmen Square
happened 20 years ago.
China still killing.

California? Broke!
The profligate spending? Done!
Arnold is fed up!

Obama gives speech.
The whole Arab world listens,
then shrugs its shoulders.

Mozilo is charged.
Mr. Sub-Prime mortgage-man
is a big fraud? No!!!

Wow. What a week. I'm winded.

Hey - one last thought: If you're looking for a way to be a productive member of the economy this weekend, run out and buy everyone you know a Camaro. After all, you own the company. Don't you think you should own the car?

Tetris: 25 Years of Productivity-Destroying Fun

CNET reports that Tetris has been around for a quarter of a century.

According to the Commerce Department, during that time the world lost approximately $423 trillion in productivity due to people playing at work. This amount is surpassed only by Microsoft Solitaire and Freecell, which have combined to destroy $487 trillion in global output.

"Everyone wants to blame the banks, Wall Street and General Motors for the worldwide economic crisis," said Commerce Secretary Gary Locke. "But when you stack all that up against nearly a quadrillion dollars in economic destruction, credit default swaps are like single-A baseball, at best. Tetris alone has negated all business output since Neanderthals started trading bones with each other. That's impressive."

The Commerce Secretary added that he expects Facebook to surpass them all by next Tuesday.

(Image: The Tetris Company)

North Korea: You Loved the Missile, Now Buy the T-shirt

 
Oh, those fun-boys in the North Korean politboro. They may starve, torture and kill their citizens and they may be poised to start World War III, but on your way out of the nuclear inferno, you can pick up a t-shirt in the lobby.

This is actually the OFFICIAL North Korea souvenir site, hosted by Cafepress! No joke!

What fun!

Government Budgeting Techniques: Not in Our House

My birthday is coming up, so I thought it time to start dropping subtle hints to my wife about gift ideas.

Knowing that she is both smarter and less profligate a spender than I, and that both her parents are mathematicians, I worked out an ingenious and diabolically complex scheme to utterly confuse her and get what I want. I employed tactics similar to how governments - local, state and federal - sell their spending plans to the citizenry. It went something like this:

Me: "How about a BMW Alpina B7?"

Her: "Um... No."

Me: "OK. How about I save you about $100,000 and you buy me a Glasshutte PanoGraph wristwatch instead?"

Her: "That would be... no."

Me: "You're right. $13,000 is way to much for a watch. How about you put that money toward a Trek Madone 6.9 Pro. That'll save you an additional $3500. I've saved you $93,000 in less than a minute."

Her: "Still no."

At this point, I realized that I was completely outfoxed by her superior linguistic and debating skills, so it looks like a birthday dinner and a movie after all.

Just remember my clever and cold-blooded wife the next time your [local, state federal] government tries to convince you that it is saving you money by spending less money than it really wanted to.

Haiku Friday - The Week of May 25, 2009

Here we are, on the door step of June. Ahhhh - June. What a great time of the year. Fresh-faced teens in their prom and graduation finery. Little league baseball in full swing. The first strawberries are on their way and the whole summer is laid out ahead of us, pregnant with possibility.

Of course summer also means whiny kids home from school with nothing to do, the stench of roadkill in the air and the ever-escalating cold war against disease-carrying ticks and mosquitoes starts in earnest.

But never mind all that bad stuff. After a week off for Memorial Day, it's time to get back to that favorite summertime activity - haikuin'. For those of you who no longer read or pay any attention whatsoever to the news (which, according to recent polls, is EVERYONE), here's a quick summary of what you missed while you were out in the backyard playing horseshoes:

Powell answers Dick:
"I am a Republican!
Now shut the f*ck up!"

North Korea nukes!
The United Nations meets!
And nothing changes.

Barack picks a judge.
If she's qualified and smart,
Limbaugh will hate her.

Newt to judge: "Racist!"
Coulter piles on, just for fun.
Um, kettles? You're black.

GM on the brink.
Bankruptcy is imminent.
Everyone loses. 

Sotomayor? Bad!
Why? Too many syllables.
Not good for haiku.

Have a great weekend, watch out for opossums crossing the road and remember to stock up on Fudgsicles and Nutty Buddies for the kids!

U.S. Taxpayers: "We hated the products so much, we bought the company!"

The Pontiac Aztek: Can we fire the guy who approved this???

Imagine this: You take your family out to the restaurant. The food was rancid, the service horrible and everything was overpriced. As you walk out of the restaurant, you turn to your spouse and say:

"Wow! That was horrific! Let's buy the place!"

As preposterous as that sounds, it seems that's exactly what we, the taxpayers, are doing with General Motors.

Yep, as GM heads into bankruptcy, it appears that when the fat lady sings, the U.S. government (that is, you and me) will own about 70 percent of the company, to the tune of some $70 billion.

I guess that's our punishment for buying Honda Accords and Toyota Camrys instead of those most excellent Chevy Corsicas and Pontiac Azteks.

When I was a kid, a guy name Victor Kiam owned the Remington shaver company. He appeared on the company's TV commercials, saying that he "...liked the shaver so much, he bought the company!"

Victor Kiam must be doing somersaults in his grave.

(Image: Edmunds.com)

The United Nations: When the Going Gets Tough, the Diplomats Double Park

A great place for a Starbucks?

Does anyone else wonder what they do at the United Nations all day? I only ask because it appears that no matter what they do, nobody seems to care. Certainly, no one in their right mind could possibly think that the loony-tune running North Korea gives a second thought about what a bunch of effete diplomats in New York have to say about him setting off a 1950s-vintage nuclear bomb.

I just ask because it seems that the world is burning and the U.N. is really good at three things:

1. Drafting resolutions that everyone ignores;
2. Racking up parking tickets in New York City;
3. Bitching at the United States.

I'm thinking that's prime real estate over on the banks of the East River. Make a great place for a theme park or a shopping mall.