Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson has declared that the recent financial meltdown on Wall Street is traceable to my wife. In an appearance today on Meet the Press, Paulson said that, in a stunning piece of forensic accounting work, his staff along with accountants from the Federal Reserve, traced the trillion dollar collapse to my quiet, polite and seemingly respectful wife.
"Quite frankly, we were shocked," Paulson said to Meet the Press host Tom Brokaw. "She seems very conservative in both her spending and investment postures, but somehow she was the mastermind behind the entire collateralized debt obligation and credit default swap markets. She saw those dopes at Bear Stearns, Lehman and AIG coming from a mile away and basically took them to the cleaners."
Paulson added: "At this stage, we are calculating that the American taxpayers will be paying bond interest to her until the Sun goes supernova and burns out in a few billion years."
My wife declined to comment in response to repeated questions, but did release this written statement before we sat down to breakfast this morning:
"While admitting to nothing, I hope those big brains on Wall Street and in Washington will think twice before loaning a couple of trillion dollars to my 10 year niece and nephew, Mighty Mouse, Charles Manson and the border collie that lives next door. Perhaps some vetting of financial worthiness, combined with a dash of regulation will prevent someone like me from bringing the global financial system to it knees again in the future. That said, if I were responsible, I would plan to donate most of the American taxpayer dollars to charity, though I might keep some to buy new drapes for the living room."
She emphatically denied press reports that she planned to purchase Switzerland and Aruba with her windfall. My wife then cleaned out the bedroom closet and took the dog out to go to the bathroom.
Both the Obama and McCain campaigns have called the house repeatedly looking for her to make a donation or become their new running mate, but she went grocery shopping and could not be reached.