BillBakerBlog.com

Paging John Thain: FIRE YOUR PR FIRM!!!

You know it's a bad day when the President of the United States and Jon Stewart both call you out.

Former Merrill-Lynch CEO John "Oops" Thain hired a PR firm and then went on what appears to be an ill-conceived media tour in an attempt to shore up his image and justify his delusion of... I'm not sure what the word is. Grandeur? Importance? Alternative reality?

The crux of his argument is: "If we don't pay our people well, we won't be able to keep the best and the brightest."

Of course, we all know where all those good people took us: right down the golden shi*ter in Thain's former office. I don't know about you, but I'm willing to see if lower paid employees - say a pack of chimpanzees - could do a better job by throwing their own feces at the stock listing page in the Wall Street Journal and using that as an investment strategy.

It could hardly produce worse results than what Thain, Dick Fuld and the rest of these clowns did. And chimps work for... bananas.

And, if Bob the Bond Trader is unhappy with making only $2,000,000 instead of $10,000,000 at Merrill-Lynch, let him quit and go get a job at Lehman.. d'oh!

Well, there's always Bear Sterns... D'OH!!!

So, Mr. Thain, I would try to conserve what's left of that multi-million dollar paycheck you got courtesy of the U.S. taxpayer and fire your PR firm. It ain't working.

Remember - the official position of this blog is pay people whatever ever you want for doing as crappy a job as they can do. We're 100 percent capitalists over here on this blog. Just don't ask us taxpayers to subsidize it. Once we're paying, we're saying...

But don't take it from me. Just see what President Obama had to say. He called the Wall Street bonuses "shameful".

And Jon Stewart pretty much nails what the rest of us are thinking:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

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Target Stores: Is this any way to run a railroad in a recession?

Two weeks ago, I ordered three picture frames from the Target web site. They arrived last week, with no bubble wrap or packing material of any kind. They were just thrown in a box and shipped.

Needless to say, there was lots o' broken glass when I opened the box. Only one made it through intact.

So, I filled out a form on the Target customer service web site. I informed them that I have received books, running shoes, socket wrench sets and other totally non-breakable items with MORE packing material. Didn't they think that the contents of a package with three pieces of glass should be wrapped in something???

Within an hour, I got an apology stating that two new frames were being shipped out immediately, no charge. I did not have to return the damaged ones.

Impressive!

Today the two new frames arrived. And...

Wait for it...

Once again, they were shipped with no packing material. One of the two made it through. The other is toast.

I wonder the following:

1.) What kind of morons work at Target's fulfillment center who do not know to wrap GLASS before shipping? Is that what has become of the American worker? Have our problem solving skills so atrophied that we can not determine what breaks and what does not when dropped?

(I guess it is no different than giving a $500,000 mortgage to an unemployed springer spaniel and then wondering why our banking system needs a $14 bazillion dollar bailout.)

2.) How widespread is this? Is it time to short Target stock?

Seriously - what boobs.

One good thing about a recession...

It seems we can't open a newspaper (the nine of us who still read newspapers, anyway) without being assaulted by the (as President Obama might say it) "Audacity of Stupidity." And arrogance. And hubris. And criminality.

You need only scroll back in time on this blog for a chronicle of bad behavior of some of the biggest a-holes in the universe: John Thain, Dick Fuld, Rod Blagojevich, Bernie Madoff, Chris Cox, John Edwards, Eliott Spitzer, Ted Stevens. They're all there.

When times are good, I guess we don't care if the titans of industry, politics and finance feed at the trough, as long as we little people catch a few of the scraps that fall to the ground.

But now that the trough is empty and, in fact, we taxpayers are being asked to refill it, well, now it seems that each day a new cockroach comes crawling out into the daylight, just begging to be stomped upon.

Yesterday was no exception. Meet Hartford, Connecticut, mayor Eddie Perez.

First, let me welcome you to Connecticut (aka "Corrupticut"). We have a fairly strong tradition of particularly slimy politicians here in the Constitution State (how ironical). Our former governor did some time in the pokey, as have two past mayors of Waterbury and the former mayor of Bridgeport. (One of the Waterbury boys, by the way, was convicted of soliciting a prostitute and having contact with her 8 and 10 year old daughters while in office, IN THE MAYOR'S OFFICE. Now that's corrupt.)

Yesterday, Hartford Mayor Eddie Perez was arrested for - um - corruption. It is alleged that he took bribes in the form of $40,000 worth of kitchen and bath renovations to his house from a contractor who had millions of dollars in contracts from the city of Hartford.

If proved true in court, it's pretty bad.

BUT WAIT. There's more.
 
This morning, I heard Perez's lawyer on the radio saying that the Hartford mayor always intended to pay for those renovations except that his wife got sick and he was "distracted" and forgot.

I'll let that soak in for a sec...

Yep. According to Perez, if his wife had not had all those inconvenient brain aneurysms, none of this would have happened.

Maybe Mr. Perez's wife can start a coffee-klatch with Elizabeth Edwards and Silda Spitzer.

So, it must be that in a recession, our tolerance for scumminess goes way down. Probably because these are the people who brought us to where we are now to begin with.

But then again, in a democracy, we get the government (and perhaps, the economy) we deserve.

Merrill Lynch's John Thain: My balls are so big, I need a full time publicist to talk about them

Ruh-roh. Former Merrill-Lynch water boy John Thain just upped the ante in his war with BofA CEO Ken Lewis.

He's hired a PR flak.

As a flak myself, I have to say that I would sooner eat spackling compound before I represented this tool. Don't get me wrong - I would love to take his money, but then I would have to look family, friends and my dog in the eye and be reminded every day that this guy was paid $15 million for one month of work in 2007.

I would also have to bring my PR skills to bear to help justify this d-bag's decision to pay bonuses with my tax dollars. (I'm good at what I do, but not THAT good...)

Now, New York State AG Andrew Cuomo is getting into it and launching an investigation.

After he testifies, Thain should take some time off, relax, get together with Dick Fuld and light their cigars with taxpayer-supplied C-notes.

Lehman's Dick Fuld lives up to his name (The "Dick" part)

Former Lehman Brothers CDO (Chief Destruction Officer) sold his $13 million Jupiter Island, Florida, mansion to his wife for $100.

Yes - that's one hundred dollars.

Why?

Who knows, except maybe that Florida has laws that make it easier to protect real estate assets from civil lawsuits if, in fact, you no longer "own" those assets.

But, in Dick's mind, we're all pretty stupid and none of us would have ever figured out this diabolically clever scheme.

Responsibility and accountability - Here's how

In his inaugural speech, President Obama said that as citizens, we need to be more responsible for our nation. Our government, in turn, needs to be more accountable to us.

Well, I have a simple way to achieve both goals: Eliminate tax withholding from paychecks and make everyone send checks to the taxing authorities.

How's that?

Most people have their taxes withheld by their employer. It is a brilliant invention that, among many other things, dulls the effect of of paying taxes. It's death by a thousand paper cuts, rather than getting your head whacked off in one fell swoop.

Except that if you are self-employed, like I have been for the past 11 years, you get your head whacked off every quarter.

Every year, I have to write 10 checks to pay my income taxes: four estimated payments - in April, June, September and January - plus a check that is sent with my Form 1040 on April 15. Times two: For Federal and the State of Connecticut.

Withholding is a passive act of omission. Quarterly estimated tax payments are a conscious act of commission.

For anyone who has never had the pleasure of writing checks to the government for taxes, I can assure you it is an eye-opening experience. In fact, I maintain that if EVERYONE had to pay taxes this way, the following would happen:

1. People would be forced to save RESPONSIBLY in order to meet their obligation;
2. We would be much more likely to hold our government ACCOUNTABLE for how that money is being spent, since writing those checks is very real indeed.

Of course, we know this will never happen because asking people to be responsible for their financial obligations is really way too much to ask of this country. Just look at the banks, automakers and homeowners that are begging for trillions in bailout money. Just look at our runaway national debt.

Nope. Our lawmakers, who write the tax code, believe that we are each a cash cow, to be milked gradually every week. It's really much easier - for everyone. We don't have to think about it and Congress gets to control our lives via the tax code.

But easy doesn't always mean better.

But can Fido text me or Twitter?

Photo: www.4activedogs.co.uk

You have a cell phone. So does your spouse, teenager, pre-teen, grade schooler and mother and father, including in-laws.

So who's left?

Rover.

You can now get a 3G cell phone for your Bichon Frise, just in case she decides to sneak out one night and go clubbing with those slutty poodles down the street.

The Financial Crisis - Illustrated

Thanks to math guru and financial wonder-boy Dustin for sending this explanation of the financial crisis.

Would somebody more important than me please forward this to President Obama's super-secure new BlackBerry.

Thanks.

Sushi? I'll show you sushi!

This is my first restaurant review, such as it is. Since I have no idea how to write a proper restaurant review, I'll make this quick and easy.

I had dinner last night at Blue Ribbon Sushi Bar & Grill at Columbus Circle in Manhattan. If you like sushi, it can't be beat.

We started with a couple of appetizers including amberjack sashimi, some scallops and tempura shrimp, along with a hijiki and mache salad. (I have no idea what 'hijiki" is, but I am a salad fanatic and this was fresh and delicious.)

We then moved on to a variety of sushi and sashimi offerings from the familiar (and exceptional) like tuna and yellowtail, to some house specialties that were great, including a smoked yellowtail and shitake concoction that was unlike anything I have ever tasted.

Round it out with some tasty beer and a couple of great desserts (a chocolate torte thingy and mango pudding) and coffee and it was a truly special meal.

And the staff was knowledgeable, cool, friendly, attentive and utterly without pretense.

I should note that Blue Ribbon was the principal sponsor of my best friend's Race Across America bicycle race effort last year, so the fact that owners Eric and Bruce Bromberg support cycling (and actually ride) make me want to visit on a regular basis that much more.

Great food and good people - a nice combination.

Looks like John Thain was a skunk after all

Sometimes, it's best to go with your gut instinct.

Back in December, we smelled a rat in the guise of Merrill-Lynch CEO John Thain and his attempt to extract a $10 million bonus out of us innocent taxpayers.

We thought he recovered his wits and backed down on the request.

Turns out, he is every bit the Wall Street weasel we thought he was. (That's THREE animal metaphors in one blog post!)

He has been canned from Bank of America (Merrill's new daddy). Here's hoping the bank that holds the mortgage on his $35,000 toilet forecloses on him and he has to go sh*t in his hat.

The worst coupon - EVER.

This is the worst coupon I have ever received in the mail.

Fiat AND Chrysler together?! What a Dream Team!

I hold the distinction of being one of the stupidest people on Earth.

"C'mon, now..." you say. "How can someone with such witty, trenchant insights be THAT stupid?"

Well, I appreciate the words of support, but alas, it is true. I'm a dope. I proved it about 30 years ago when I bought my first used car - a 1974 Fiat X1/9. It cost $900 and were it not for the rust, it would not have had any molecular cohesion whatsoever.

One would think that as someone raised by smart parents who valued a good education, I would have learned my lesson.

But no. A couple of years later, I bought a used Fiat 128 sedan. That one had the same engine as our family's push lawnmower, did zero-to-60 in about four days and had a top speed of 54 mph.

As you might know, Fiat finally threw in the towel on the U.S. market in 1983 which, coincidentally, was the year I sold my 128 (to my brother) and gave up on Fiat. The executives at Fiat must have thought: "If we can't sell our cars to this jamoke, all hope is lost."

So, imagine my joy when I heard that Fiat and Chrysler are teaming up to... who knows what. If there are two car companies that deserve each other more, I can't think of them.

To be fair, Fiat hasn't sold cars in the U.S. for a quarter century and maybe it is now building the finest cars in the world. But I have no doubt that Chrysler will help bring Fiat right back to its old-world charm that we all remember so fondly. Just look at the Dodge Nitro!

By the way - you might call me the "Grim Reaper" of foreign car companies. In addition to Fiat, other cars of my high school and college years include:

- a 1976 Triumph TR-7 (Triumph went under completely in 1984)

- a 1979 Renualt R17 (Renault departed the U.S. market in 1989)

Great Moments in Inaugural History

Kudos to those clever Wooters over at Woot! This is the most comprehensive history of presidential inaugurations I have seen yet:

• 1829: Raucous guests at the inaugural ball of President Andrew Jackson feast on cake, lemonade, and roasted Cherokee babies.
  
• 1837: President Martin Van Buren pulls over the procession to ask if anyone wants to buy a pair of speakers from the back of his white van.
  
• 1877: After a contentious, disputed election, losing candidate Samuel Tilden challenges President-Elect Rutherford B. Hayes to a bare-knuckle brawl on the Capitol steps. In the early hours of the following day, Hayes wins by knockout in the 238th round.
  
• 1893: In a move that surprises no one, President Grover Cleveland names Snuffleupagus Toledo as his vice-president.
  
• 1921: President Warren G. Harding wins ten dollars from a lobbyist by proving he can eat the Constitution in under thirty seconds.
  
• 1949: President Harry S. Truman shocks the nation by accusing himself of harboring Communist sympathies.
  
• 1961: Vice-President Lyndon Johnson serenades President John F. Kennedy with a breathy, sensual rendition of "Happy Inauguration".
  
• 1973: An unknown woman coughs three times during the second swearing-in of President Richard Nixon. She is last seen ten minutes later, in the company of G. Gordon Liddy.
  
• 1977: During his famous walk down Pennsylvania Avenue, a group of fourth-graders force President Jimmy Carter to hand over his lunch money.
  
• 1981: When communist forces take over the city, President-Elect Ronald Reagan must build a team of commandos from an all-boy’s military school and take back the nation before the end of the day. Lou Gossett Jr. guest stars.

Wonder what soda they'll drink in the Obama White House

In my occasional ongoing series on logo coincidences, I bring you the new Pepsi logo:

And the Obama campaign logo:

OK, I know. It's a stretch. But, not taking any chances, Coca-Cola is re-working its logo to coincide with the upcoming general elections in Yemen.

(Previous logo coincidence observations here & here.)

Looks like I beat JetBlue!

Take a look over at www.myjetbluelawsuit.com. I won my small claims case against JetBlue Airways.

Pretty happy about that!