BillBakerBlog.com

Buy This Book, Get Girls and a New Sports Car

I was never one for math. My dad was quite good at it, so it has always escaped me why math escaped me.

My dad was the only person I knew personally who could do math, until I met my dad-in-law. My wife's father - Jerry P. King - is not only a professor of advanced mathematics at Lehigh University (now retired, actually), but he also writes BOOKS about the subject.

As I said, I'm no expert, but I reckon you have to know a sh*tload about math to write an entire book about it. Two books??? Forget about it!!!

Jerry's first book, The Art of Mathematics, came out a few years ago. It's a good read. His second book - Mathematics in 10 Lessons: The Grand Tour - is now available for pre-order on Amazon. I can not say how good it is because when my wife and I visited over the holidays, she was permitted to look at the galleys, but I think Jerry was afraid that I would spill corn pudding on it, so I was kept away.

You should buy this book because:

1.) Like me, you probably haven't done long division in 35 years and could honestly use a refresher;

2.) The stock market meltdown has decimated my retirement plans and I am counting on Jerry tossing a few tokens from book sales in my direction;

3.) He's a sub-3 hour marathoner WHO'S ALSO REALLY GOOD AT MATH! C'mon - that HAS to be enough of a reason right there;

4.) From what I understand, the book cover is one of those deals where if you stare at it long enough, a 3-D image of a dolphin or Pamela Anderson appears;

5.) Big sales = movie rights. I'm hoping that Ashton Kutcher plays me.

So place your orders now and let's totally mess with the New York Times and get it on the best seller list.

I am an airline toilet visionary

Image: Toilets Worldwide

News out today that discount Irish airline Ryanair is thinking about charging people to use the loo.

I predicted pay toilets on airplanes on this blog back in May 2008 with this oh-so-clever fake news story.

Ah, airline industry - how far you have fallen since the Pan-Am Clipper days...

Haiku Friday: The Week of February 23, 2009

Another momentous week (they all seem to be, don't they?)

What better way to memorialize the news of the times than to boil it down into a series of 17-syllable gems of east-Asian poetic artistry. Or, in lieu of artistry, you get what I've written below:

Barack talks to us:
"It's going to be fine, but
prepare for the bill."

3.5 trillion.
That is one big, fat budget.
Who will pay for it?

GM reports loss.
Thirty-one billion last year.
Time to pull the plug.

Rocky Mountain News,
shutting down today, for good.
The news is dying.

Bye, February,
a very bad month for stocks.
March - treat us better.

And so it goes. Monday starts a new month and a new opportunity for us (well, not me personally, but people I know) to throw around trillions of dollars as if it were Monopoly money.

And through it all, I'll be right here documenting it by perverting an ancient and beautiful form of Japanese culture.

Now, go kick off the weekend with a stiff sake.

The American Express Card: "Please leave home without it."

While we're on the subject of stimulus (somehow, that always seems to be the subject), did anyone notice this little ditty from American Express? Amex is paying people to go away.

Yep. American Express is paying some cardholders $300 to close their accounts and just leave.

Now that's a stimulus package. Imagine if all the organizations who so diligently and willfully curried our favor during the good times, now reversed course and PAID us to leave. Health clubs, cable TV, frequent shopping cards, Costco, those annoying parents at work who solicited funds for their kid's "Jump Rope-a-Thon", cell phone companies: They could all just pay us to walk away. We could then go out and buy things like Chrysler cars and our neighbors' foreclosed houses with all that extra scratch.

Kudos, American Express. You may be on to something.

And, being somewhat of an advertising aficionado myself, I thought I might try my hand and suggest a new slogan:

From

"American Express: Don't leave home without it."

to

"American Express: F*ck off!"

Market up 4 percent! Recession Over! The Stimulus Worked! Conspiracy Suspected!

In a heart-warming reversal, the major U.S. stock indices advanced about four percent today.

Since we live in the age of 24-hour news cycles and "instant commentary", I thought I would get the party started by offering some analysis and by accusing the Obama administration of using some of the bailout money to step in and buy stocks so the president would not have to go on TV tonight staring at the ass-end of a sub-7,000 point Dow.

While we're at it, let's accuse Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, who will be giving the Republican response tonight, of being an Islamic terrorist.

"How so?" you ask.

"Who cares," I say. He's got dark skin and a funny name (his actual first name is "Piyush"). That was good enough for some people not to vote for Obama, so it's good enough for me to slime Jindal even though, in truth, he is articulate, sincere and Christian (just like Obama.)

Hey - this is easy! And here I thought Rush Limbaugh had some talent!

Party like it's 1999 (or '97, even)

Image: Paramount Pictures

The Dow closed today at its lowest level since 1997.

That was before the dot.com boom. Yes, before you could buy dog food on-line and before eBay made up the story about Pez dispensers and, in fact, before eBay went public.

It was also before Yahoo's stock price ran up to $100 (it's now at $12).

Before BellAtantic merged with Nynex and then merged with GTE to become Verizon.

Before the Feds sued Microsoft for being a monopoly and just about the time that Steve Jobs came out of exile to revive Apple and looooong before Madonna hit the wall.

Before I met my wife.

Yes, that was all a lifetime ago.

But, if you look at the Dow, we've not budged an inch. I think I'll drown my sorrows with Elton John's Candle in the Wind or by watching Academy Award Winner Kate Winslet in Titanic.

Seems about right.

Fortune 500: What Difference Will a Year Make?

 

Image: TimeWarner

It's still a couple of months off, but the Fortune 500 comes out every spring in April. Should be interesting this year.

The companies are ranked by revenues. Watch the for the headlines as our global recession re-swizzles the Fortune 500 rankings.

Last year's top 20 included GM, Ford, Citigroup, Bank of America, AIG and Goldman Sachs. Also of note - Exxon, Chevron and Conoco were all in the top 10. Of course, oil was at about $110/barrel as well. Today? $40

The question is: Will everyone stay in the same position relative to each other, in line with the new economic realities, or will different companies bubble toward the top of the list?

Also, when sorted by profits and market-cap, well, then we know that most everything will be different. EXCEPT - One thing is for sure. Last year's #1 - Wal-Mart - isn't likely to be dethroned.

Just for perspective sake - last year in mid-April, the S&P 500 was around 1330. Today - 750. Of course, a lot can happen in the next two months. We might be well on the road recovery, with banks lending, cars selling and houses appreciating.

Or not.

Haiku Friday: The Week of February 16, 2009

Welcome to the second edition of "Haiku Friday" - an attempt to sum up the week's most important news in as few words as possible. This feature was inspired last week by my wife, who says I have diarrhea of the fingers when it comes to blogging.

So, without further delay, off we go...

Detroit needs more cash:
"Our cars suck and no one buys them!
Thanks! See you in June!"

I lied on my loan.
Now, I am under water,
drowned in my new pool.

Lied on your mortgage?
Don't worry, we'll bail you out.
A Spring free-for-all!

Stock market tanking;
Banks are insolvent - no cash.
Toxic assets, gloom.

And, lastly:

Oh, Canada, eh?
Obama stops by for lunch.
Hockey? Not this trip.

That's all for this week. Until Monday, bye-bye and buy bonds.

The Financial Crisis - What (else) Is Wrong With This Picture?

Here's a fun little exercise. Check out who is the chairman of the the Senate Banking Committee that oversees the financial institutions that are failing all around us.

Yep - it's my own Senator Chris Dodd of Connecticut.

Then, click over here to see which companies' political action committees were among the top contributors to his campaign and see if any of these names sound familiar:

Citigroup Inc $316,994

American International Group $223,478

Bear Stearns $201,000

Goldman Sachs $180,200

Merrill Lynch $131,950

Lehman Brothers $122,300

UBS AG $110,800

And let's not forget that Senator Dodd was a V.I.P. customer of Countrywide Financial, the king of the sub-prime lenders.

And - no surprise here - in addition to the contributions listed above, today we learn that Senator Dodd received $27,500 from fugitive and alleged con-man Allen Stanford, who may have been trying out for "Who Wants to be Like Bernie Madoff."

Is it me, or maybe, just maybe, should our elected officials consider refusing to take money from people or industries that they are charged with overseeing? Or, senator, if you want that cash so bad, step down from the committee.

I'm OK if Senator Dodd wants to take money from the doughnut industry or the snowplow industry or from "Swimmers In Support of Legalizing Marijuana", but maybe his judgment has become a bit clouded from all that banking-industry money. After all, his list of campaign contributors is a "Who's Who" of malfeasance, business incompetence, f*ck-ups and possible larceny.

Certainly, this is worth keeping in mind at the voting booth in 2010 when Mr. Dodd is up for re-election.

Yes, Connecticut, there is a Santa Clause

Image: CBS & TM Classic Media

Here in Connecticut, we are facing serious budget shortfalls and economic malaise like most other states.

But not to be deterred from doing the people's business, my state senator, Republican Andrew Roraback, is leading the charge to import reindeer into Connecticut. He's introduced a bill and held hearings about it and I even heard Sen. Roraback do an extensive interview about it on the radio.

Thank goodness, because when all about you is going to hell, and the people are counting on its government to do the serious work that is required of these times, nothing says "I'm on the job" like being a champion of reindeer.

Thank you, Senator Roraback, for making my choice in the next election so clear-cut

Internet Porn Tax: Bad News, Good News

Bad news: New York Governor David Patterson wants to tax Internet porn.

Good news: Government auditors estimate that this will close the New York state budget deficit and move it to a surplus in about 72 hours. And that is based just on the usage of the government auditors. Everyone else is gravy.

Not to be left out, the feds want to tax all porn. Estimates show that if we do, we could erase the Bush budget deficit in three weeks, fight both the Afghanistan and Iraq wars with gold-plated weapons and still have enough left over to buy Europe and turn it into a theme park.

"Like a huge version of Epcot," said one excited State Department staffer. "Except bigger and with real, live Europeans."

Detroit's Day of Reckoning (Redux)

Tomorrow, GM and Chrysler have to submit plans to the Obama Administration that detail how they (GM and Chrysler) intend to survive.

As I understand it, here are the plans:

- GM: "Give us more taxpayer money, or we'll declare bankruptcy."

- Chrysler: "We're on Fiat's team now, but we still need more taxpayer money."

Also, it was reported over the weekend that President Obama has decided not to appoint a "car czar" to oversee these basket cases and instead will create an "inter-agency task force" to deal with the automakers.

Oh goody, because what's better than someone from the government running a business? A committee of people from the government doing it.

And, according to the Wall Street Journal Online this morning, the feds are planning to bring in "Ron Bloom, a special assistant to the president of United Steelworkers union and a former investment banker, as a senior advisor to help handle auto-related issues."

Goody-goody. A steelworker union president. Is this the same U.S. steelworker industry that lobbied hard to have "buy American" provisions placed in the new stimulus bill? Because if it is, we all know how well protectionism worked out for the world back in the early 1930s. Mr. Smoot and Mr. Hawley are doing little jigs in their graves.

Here's an idea: Let GM and Chrysler fail and then people will buy their cars from other auto companies, who will be forced to increase production and hire more workers. Remember - Toyota, Honda, Subaru, Nissan, Hyundai, Kia, BMW and Mercedes all make cars HERE - in the U.S. VW is coming in 2011. (You can see them all here.)

I know - letting capitalism work in a capitalist economy is just crazy talk these days, but just throwin' it out there.

Haiku Friday: A summing up of the week's news

I have been told that my blog posts tend to go on a bit. So, in a genuine attempt to make amends and economize on words, I present the first of what I plan to be a regular feature:

"Haiku Friday"

In 17 syllables, I hope to be able to capture the essence of the week's most significant news.

Here are the inaugural entries:

The banker is glum;
Gray, cold day with Barney Frank
Alas, no bonus.

and

Obama works hard,
winter stimulus now done.
McCain casts "No" vote.

and

Judd Gregg just said "no".
Bipartisan? Not this time.
Back to cold Concord.

And that's the way it is - Friday, February 13, 2009.

See you Monday.

My problem with Wall Street

It seems my almost daily rants about the excesses of Wall Street and the financial system would give the appearance that I hate capitalism.

That could not be further from the truth. I have been pretty consistent on this blog in defense of capitalism, but against perverting it with dishonesty and criminality.

Some of my closest friends work for the very same banks that I write about here. These are smart, hard-working, honest people with whom I would trust with my kids' lives (if I had kids) but not necessarily my dog (that's different.)

Further, I am sure that most of the employees of these banks and brokerages are equally honorable and deserve no more of the blame for what is going on today than you or I.

And, in spite of my screeds about bonuses, I truly believe the more money people make, the better. The core of capitalism is the reward factor: The harder you work, the more profits there are and the more you make.

Where I go off the rails is when those profits are fake; when a very small percentage of the people in power (the most senior-level executives and elected officials) act in a manner that they know is dangerous, dishonest or both but continue to do it anyway. And then, they demand that we pick up the pieces (and the cost) of the aftermath, which we are doing now.

The facts are clear: Certain people (including millions of individuals who lied on mortgage applications) DID game the system. Those people should be held accountable. Not you, not me. And if they are not held to account for their bad decisions, at least don't reward them.

I owned Lehman stock. I rode the wave like everyone else. When that stock was at its peak, was I smart enough to sell it? Of course not. I wanted more. I thought the ride would last forever. Guilty as charged.

That stock is now worthless. It made a very real impact on my retirement planning. I paid my dues on that one. I expect no one to feel sorry for me and I certainly don't expect my next door neighbor to make me whole.

I just have to ask: How many more bad loans, bad decisions, bad politicians and bad executives do we have to subsidize before we are all forced to ask someone to support us? And who will be left to do so?

Citibank? More like Pitibank

 

Yesterday, the CEOs of the big banks that took TARP funds were dragged before Congress and given a good ole' fashioned whuppin' from members of the House Financial Services Committee.

Among the bank muckety-mucks was Vikram Pandit, CEO of the big, lumbering and fiscally... um... challenged Citigroup.

Seems like a likable fellow. Taking a $1 salary, no bonus and making lots of loans to get the economy moving.

Cool. Our kind of guy.

Coincidentally, I get a letter yesterday from Citibank offering me 20,000 American Airline miles if I open a checking account. I think "Why not? Support the bank, throw some money at them and get me a free ticket to somewhere."

So I go to the web address in the letter and enter the code it tells me to and get the message:

The offer code you entered is invalid. Please check the offer code and try again.

(Click screen shot above)

I try several times and give up.

Mr. Pandit - dude - I tried. Maybe next time.