BillBakerBlog.com

Blogging at 36,000 feet: The "Mile High Club" for dweebs

 

The Wright Brothers, just after telling the world
about their first flight, via Twitter. / Image: NASA

I am typing this from my airline seat, just east of Omaha, aboard Virgin America Flight #259 from JFK to Las Vegas. Sure, the hipper, cooler and more technologically advanced kids out there have been blogging, Facebooking and Twittering from airplanes since the glory days of PanAm, but this is new to me and pretty darned neat-o, I have to say. (I also realize that true technorati do not use the term "neat-o". Whatever.)

In fact, just to see if it works, I am actually using LogMeIn to access my computer back at my office and I am typing this on THAT computer. (Yes, it works like a charm.)

Some might say that airplanes are the last bastion of true "disconnectedness", and it's a shame that we are losing this sanctuary. (In fact, Harry McCracken discusses this very topic today over on his most excellent Tecnologizer site.)

There is some merit to this argument, but I'm not too concerned. Why? Because you always have the option NOT to connect. If the boss is ticked off about you being unreachable, you can say that your battery went dead or that the wireless wasn't working on the flight or that you couldn't figure it out. All are legit excuses to take a few hours away from dealing with the constant deluge of stuff that comes at us every minute courtesy of the Internet.

But, like Harry, I would always choose a flight that offers Internet access over one that does not. It's a great way to kill time, get work done or suck up valuable in-flight bandwidth watching YouTube videos of cats playing with their tails.

(An aside: People with bad sleep apnea should not be allowed to fly or at least not be allowed to sleep on planes. The guy across the aisle from me is drowning out the pleasant drone of the engines and I did not bring my noise canceling headphones.)

I am, however, opposed to the airlines offering cell phone service on flights. Can you just imagine six hours of sitting next to the same woman who walks through the supermarket screaming into her iPhone about what a jerk her boss is?

If they do offer phone service, it should be restricted to the back of the plane, like the old smoking section days. Or, only in the bathrooms. And they should charge an extra $100 per ticket for the privilege. And we should have the right to throw dirty looks at them without fear of reprisal as we walk to and from the bathroom.

Lastly - The whole "Mile High Club" thing: That's just a myth, isn't it?

Obama to Detroit: "Get Lost!"

President Obama is kicking ass and taking names. In fact, he took the name right off GM CEO Rick Wagoner's office door.

This troubles me.

Why?

Not because I do not like our government making hiring and firing decisions for industry. (I don't.)

And not because I think Rick Wagoner is being made a sacrificial lamb at the altar of populist rage (he is, but don't feel too bad, since the price of lamb these days is somewhere north of $20 million.)

And not because our president is whacking the auto industry in the head while seemingly tickling the bank industry's ass with a feather (Tim Geithner has a firm grip on the plumage.)

No.

It troubles me because I am experiencing mild feelings of sympathy for GM and Chrysler.

I know, I know. They had it coming. They have been building the crappiest cars for the better part of the last four decades. And even if their cars are getting better, that is only a relatively recent phenomenon. Trust is quickly lost and not easily earned and Detroit has been violating its customers' trust for years. No wonder that the April 2009 annual auto issue of Consumer Reports ranks GM and Chrysler at the bottom of all automakers.

So it bothers me that I am feeling sorry for these companies. Because they deserve to die. They don't deserve another dime in taxpayer money and if the collapse of GM and Chrysler sends this country's economy into a deeper hole, well, I guess that's the price we collectively pay for buying garbage cars manufactured by incompetent executives and overpaid workers who are represented by unions that have politicians in their hip pockets.

Maybe next time we are the world's dominant player in some other industry (if there is a next time), we the people won't be enablers for mediocrity and dysfunction.

Did I mention how bad I feel about all this? I'm sure you could tell.

Line of the Month for March 2009

I had dinner last week in San Francisco with a friend who is a business technology reporter for a major national media outlet. He related a story about how a competing national media outlet broke a big news story a couple of weeks ago, which hit early in the morning, east coast time.

His phone rang at about 4:30 AM, PDT. A New York-based editor asked him "Have you confirmed the news?"

He said the only thought that ran through his head at that moment was "At this point, I can confirm that I have now walked from the bed to the phone."

He is the parent of an eight-month old, so I am am trying to imagine who is more disruptive to normal sleep patterns - the baby or his editors.

It's nice to hear that, in the face of the media industry being declared D.O.A. - by the media - that there are still competitive forces at work to "get the scoop."

And, while it is not in my best professional interest to take sides, I can say that the other media outlet is just a collection of computer-banging monkey-hacks, while it is just a matter of time before my friend wins a Pulitzer.

Haiku Friday - The Week of March 23, 2009

 

Well, here we are just a few days away from April Fool's Day and I have a dream: We wake up next Wednesday morning, turn on CNN and President Obama says: "April Fool's! We would never bail out Wall Street and run budget deficits that your great, great, great, great, great grandchildren will be paying off by working at an iron ore mine on the planet Mars."

I have a dream.

Since we won't know until next week if this recession and all these bailouts are just some elaborate and silly practical joke, cooked up by those zanies at Treasury and the Fed while doing Jager shots with the prez over in the West Wing, we'll have to live with the careful, thoughtful and insightful analysis that can only come from the haiku form.

Obama giggles.
Steve Kroft asks him: "What the f*ck, dude?"
"Just gallows humor."

President says "Spend!"
Congress says "Whoa, there big guy!"
I smell a veto.

Hillary goes south.
Says we're to blame for the drugs
that Mexico sends.

The E.U. gets mad.
"Bambi taking us to hell."
Fine. No aid for you.

Geithner is our man!
"Buy lots of crap! That's my plan!"
Wall Street wins, we lose.

Do my eyes deceive?
Barack on TV again?
Dude - shut up and work.

Heading into the last weekend of March 2009, we can take comfort that markets are turning up and that, as we sit down to prepare our taxes, we at least will not have any capital gains tax for 2008 to fork over.

I Hear They Discovered Life on Neptune

I was traveling the past few days, attending the Open Source Business Conference, which is a... um... conference about the business of open source software.

It sort of sidetracked personal blogging activity a bit.

I am always surprised by how, when I attend these things, I become completely immersed in the goings-on, to the exclusion of the rest of the world. Meetings, conference sessions, drunken walks with business associates through The Streets of San Francisco after a late dinner of saki with a side order of sushi - all conspire to distract from what's happening outside the "trade show bubble."

So, yes, I missed President Obama's press conference. And I guess he got called out for being all giggly on 60 Minutes, and I sort of caught wind of the latest plan for Tim Geithner to bail out the Pacific Ocean, but I really don't know anything beyond the headlines.

Which, in a way, is sort of comforting. It is nice to attend a conference where smart people at great companies are talking about doing business, in spite of the constant Sturm und Drang that spills over us every minute through the media and on highly questionable blogs like this one.

There is some good news out here in the semi-real world. Companies are still doing stuff - making things, taking orders, delivering products, serving customers and cashing checks.

Sure, times are tough. But life goes on in (at least) some parts of the business world (like open source software).

Who knew?

Darwin Would Have Loved Twitter

This story is already a couple of days old, but I was born a couple of days late and have not yet caught up.

Seems some Generation-Z smart-ass tweeted that she had landed a job at Cisco and mused publicly, on Twitter, whether the "fatty paycheck" was worth the commute and the fact that she would hate her job.

Thanks to Twitter and a stupendous lack of discretion, Cisco can spare itself from hiring another coddled, self-important child who clearly doesn't have the common sense God gave a brussels sprout.

And, speaking as a Cisco shareholder, I certainly would not want anyone who hates her job before she has actually started it to come and work for my company.

Haiku Friday - The Week of March 16, 2009

Happy vernal equinox! By the time most of you read this, spring will have sprung. As mentioned in last week's edition of Haiku Friday, spring is always a time of renewal and hope. In fact, after reading my (allegedly) lengthy preamble to last week's post, my wife renewed her hopes that I would "...shut my pie-hole and just get down to the haikuin'!"

So, in deference to her and without further delay, I present forthwith, this week's news summary, as only a ninja-warrior poet such as myself is capable of doing.

Recovery here?
"It's coming," said the Fed chief.
"Any minute now."

"AIG!" you say?
"Big bonus abuse!" I say.
AIG say: "Tough!"

Geithner in trouble.
"You should have known about this!"
John Boehner is pissed!

The Fed buys T-bonds.
Three hundred bil should do it.
Markets rally big!

Uh oh. Never mind.
Yesterday's rally is gone.
Today, down we go.

Dodd prevaricates.
"No I didn't. Yes, I did."
Dude, time to resign.

Congress decides to
tax AIG's greedy thugs.
Now, get rid of Dodd.

There it is, then. The three-ring circus that these days substitutes for honest capitalism, responsible government, and thoughtful political discourse - boiled down to the very kernel of its essence. And if you ever worry that I'll run out of ideas, fear not. As long as there is oxygen in Washington D.C., there will likely be plenty of fodder for Haiku Friday.

Senator Dodd: Resign from the banking committee - now!

                                             Image: www.britannica.com

Speechless. That's right - I'm speechless.

Luckily, I can still type.

First, on behalf of the entire State of Connecticut, allow me to apologize to the nation for inflicting Senator Dodd on our banking system.

Senator Chris Dodd once again has hired the services of Washington's finest podiatrists and dentists to help him extract his foot from his constantly running mouth.

It seems that wherever one turns in the financial crisis, there's Senator Dodd doing something that would hardly seem in the best interest of the American people.

You already know that he was a buddy of the CEO of Countrywide Mortgage, which was the leader in writing bad loans. Senator Dodd was on a V.I.P. list that entitled him to sweet financing deals not available to everyone. How nice for the chairman of the committee that oversaw Countrywide.

Today we learn that Senator Dodd was instrumental in inserting language in the recently passed stimulus bill that made the AIG bonuses possible. But before he was caught out, he denied having done so.

And remember, Senator Dodd has cashed a few AIG checks in his day.

WHY IS THIS MAN THE HEAD OF THE SENATE BANKING COMMITTEE?

People are outraged that the same executives at AIG who brought down the company and contributed to bringing down the global financial system are now receiving bonuses. Never mind them. At the end of the day, they are supposed to be greedy. It's who they are. It's what they do.

But, I ask again: Why is a senator whose role it is to legislate the banking system seemingly doing everything in his power to enable these financial institutions to steal from the taxpayers?

And, is there anything more annoying than Senator Dodd going on TV and feigning outrage over the bonuses when HE HELPED MAKE THEM HAPPEN???

If you want to get mad, forget the AIG executives and start looking at the weasels who are guarding the the hen house.

No wonder there is a new slaughter every day.

Feel free to e-mail or call (202) 224-2823 - Senator Dodd and tell him what you think of his oversight abilities. And while your at it, ask him to resign from the banking committee.

Senator Grassley, you crazy old coot - Are you peeking at my blog?

Image: Saturday Night Live

A couple of weeks ago, the title of one my blog posts used Japanese ritual suicide as a metaphor to ask if anyone - ANYONE - has taken responsibility for the financial mess.

Today, Senator Chuck Grassley took it a few steps further and actually recommended suicide.

In truth, we were making the same point, though I did so much more elegantly, if I do say so. But I'm just some loudmouth blogger. He is a U.S. senator. Glad to see Congress continues to give as much thought to solving the financial crisis as it did to creating the legislative environment that created it.

And why is a senator wasting time reading this blog???

Social Security: "Surely, you jest."

I received my annual Social Security statement in the mail yesterday.

Looks like the Obama administration is putting that stimulus money to good use. The new statements use audio, like those Hallmark birthday cards that play Freebird and Jungle Boogie when you open them.

If you are under age 55 and you open your new statement, it giggles at you and then slowly builds into a crescendo of hysterical, maniacal laughter. Then smoke starts coming out of it and it disintegrates, like the tape recorder in the opening scenes of the old Mission: Impossible TV series.

Must be expensive, but it makes the point.

Senator Chris Dodd: Do as I say, not as I do!

Our senior senator from Connecticut, Chris Dodd, is rip roarin' mad about this whole AIG bonus hub-bub. So mad, in fact, he suggesting a tax to recoup the bonuses.

One wonders, however, if he is mad enough to never take another dime from AIG. According to OpenSecrets.org, Senator Dodd's political action committee took $223,478 from AIG during the last election cycle.

As I have said before, Senator Dodd can take money from AIG or he can be chairman of the committee that oversees AIG, but when he does both, he loses all moral authority to say anything about this.

Maybe he should enact a tax on the money he took from AIG. Seems only fair.

Full disclosure: I've voted for Senator Dodd in every election he's run in. I am seriously rethinking doing so again when he runs for a sixth term in 2010. This banking crisis is shameful. I have no ability to punish the executives of AIG or the regulators at the SEC, but the chairman of the Senate Banking Committee works for me. And I am not happy with the job he has done.

These times call for serious people to deal with the trillions in dollars that we taxpayers are being asked to pony up. There is no place for bloviating politicians who talk out of both sides of their mouth.

Make up your mind, Senator Dodd: Whose side are you on?

Cheney: "Blame it on the Bossa Nova"

 

In a stunning display of candor during a Sunday interview on CNN, former vice president Dick Cheney helpfully identified where to lay blame for the worldwide economic crisis.

His list includes:

1. President Barack Obama
2. President Bill Clinton
3. New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd
4. The National Organization for Women
5. President Jimmy Carter
6. President Lyndon Johnson
7. President John F. Kennedy
8. President Josiah Bartlet
9. Weatherman William Ayers
10. The entire continent of Africa
11. "That guy I shot in the face a few years ago."
12. Colin Powell
13. Sarah Palin
14. The U.S. Congress
15. President Harry Truman
16. President Franklin Roosevelt
17. President Woodrow Wilson
18. Humpback whales
19. Saddam Hussein
20. "That new judge-chick on American Idol. Don't like her one bit."
21. Jimmy Hoffa
22. John McCain
23. Cindy Brady
24. Vladimir Putin
25. Poppa Smurf

Who is NOT to blame according to Mr. Cheney?

1. Dick Cheney

When asked by CNN interviewer John King if his blame list wasn't just "...a list of every Democratic and fictional president of the last 100 years, plus a few people who you just don't like...", the former veep replied "bite me", got up and left.

AIG: You can't make this stuff up

AIG = "A-holes In Greed"

I'm all for honoring contracts, but I always thought that performance bonuses were based on... you know... PERFORMANCE! More specifically GOOD performance. If a company loses $60 billion in a single quarter, how is that bonus-worthy?

I guess the same person who signed off on all those bad credit default swap contracts also signed off on these employee bonus contracts.

Seriously - if this stuff was not actually happening, we would laugh at any writer who tried to put it into a book or movie. It's just too outlandish to be believable.

China to U.S.: "If you don't pay us back, we know a guy..."

Normally, I try to avoid blogging on the weekend (religious thing), but this one couldn't wait until Monday.

I found it amusing that yesterday, the leader of China - the weaselly despot Wen Jiabao - said he was nervous about all that money he is lending the United States.

See, the income tax that the U.S. treasury collects from all of us is just about enough to fund the heating bill in the White House, with some left over for the congressional health club. The rest of the money we need to cover our kerjillion dollar federal budget has to come from somewhere else.

That somewhere is China. It loans us money in the form of buying U.S. bonds and, someday, we either pay it back or China forecloses on us and we all start carrying around copies of Mao's Little Red Book in the glove compartments of our Buicks.

(Editor's note: The truth is, foreign governments own about 28% of U.S. debt, but I am trying to make a point here, so cut me some slack...)

Since this country was created, we have NEVER defaulted on a bond payment. So the fact that a world leader (albeit the head of a morally bankrupt government like China's) would publicly question our ability to pay our debts is somewhat eyebrow-raising.

In better days, we might tell that corrupt creep to go take a flying f*ck at the moon, but these are perilous times and the last thing we want to do is upset one of our most important loan sharks.

Luckily, we have an ace-in-the-hole:

As long as China continues to buy up our increasingly toxic Treasury notes, we will continue to buy up China's toxic products: Lead-painted toys, contaminated pet food, foul fish, all made by slave labor.

China - You keep sending that crap to Walmart and we'll keep buying it, but you have to keep loaning us the money to pay for it. If you cut us off, we'll cut you off, and then you'll have a billion and a half pissed-off unemployed Nike assemblers to deal with.

Good luck with that.

So, Mr. Wen Jiabao, ixnay on the ebtday talk and get back to funding the genocide in Sudan and brutally crushing the people of Tibet.

Haiku Friday: The Week of March 9, 2009

[Drop needle and cue orchestral music]

Daylight savings has arrived (Three weeks earlier than in Europe, just to be annoying....)

The days are getting slightly warmer. Kids are venturing outside to play on the lawn, stir-crazy from a long winter's night.

Spring arrives one week from today - a glimpse of the halcyon, carefree days of summer to come.

[Cue sound of needle being dragged across record]

Wait - this is 2009. Spring has been mortgaged, summer canceled, kids play Nintendo in the basement and, anyway, that lawn surrounds a house that was foreclosed on last autumn.

So what do we have to cling to?

Beauty. Truth. Family. Haiku Friday.

Here's a summary of the week's news presented in a form that, for a brief moment, lifts all of our spirits and sends them... right over the edge:

Hillary travels
to foreign lands near and far.
Bill brings up the rear.

Budget goes to prez;
Obama signs it and says
"NEXT time, no earmarks!"

The Forbes list is out.
Billionaires? Not any more.
Can you spare a dime?

Jamie Dimon speaks:
"Please stop blaming the bankers!"
YOU wrote the loans, chief.

Tuesday: Market up!
Wednesday: Cool - keep it going!!
Thursday: Holy cow!!!

Madoff pleads guilty,
sixty billion up in smoke.
Enjoy prison food!

Have a swell weekend and keep in mind that the G20 finance leaders are meeting in England, so don't forget to set your 401Ks back 14 years before you go to sleep Saturday night.