BillBakerBlog.com

Haiku Friday - The Week of May 25, 2009

Here we are, on the door step of June. Ahhhh - June. What a great time of the year. Fresh-faced teens in their prom and graduation finery. Little league baseball in full swing. The first strawberries are on their way and the whole summer is laid out ahead of us, pregnant with possibility.

Of course summer also means whiny kids home from school with nothing to do, the stench of roadkill in the air and the ever-escalating cold war against disease-carrying ticks and mosquitoes starts in earnest.

But never mind all that bad stuff. After a week off for Memorial Day, it's time to get back to that favorite summertime activity - haikuin'. For those of you who no longer read or pay any attention whatsoever to the news (which, according to recent polls, is EVERYONE), here's a quick summary of what you missed while you were out in the backyard playing horseshoes:

Powell answers Dick:
"I am a Republican!
Now shut the f*ck up!"

North Korea nukes!
The United Nations meets!
And nothing changes.

Barack picks a judge.
If she's qualified and smart,
Limbaugh will hate her.

Newt to judge: "Racist!"
Coulter piles on, just for fun.
Um, kettles? You're black.

GM on the brink.
Bankruptcy is imminent.
Everyone loses. 

Sotomayor? Bad!
Why? Too many syllables.
Not good for haiku.

Have a great weekend, watch out for opossums crossing the road and remember to stock up on Fudgsicles and Nutty Buddies for the kids!

U.S. Taxpayers: "We hated the products so much, we bought the company!"

The Pontiac Aztek: Can we fire the guy who approved this???

Imagine this: You take your family out to the restaurant. The food was rancid, the service horrible and everything was overpriced. As you walk out of the restaurant, you turn to your spouse and say:

"Wow! That was horrific! Let's buy the place!"

As preposterous as that sounds, it seems that's exactly what we, the taxpayers, are doing with General Motors.

Yep, as GM heads into bankruptcy, it appears that when the fat lady sings, the U.S. government (that is, you and me) will own about 70 percent of the company, to the tune of some $70 billion.

I guess that's our punishment for buying Honda Accords and Toyota Camrys instead of those most excellent Chevy Corsicas and Pontiac Azteks.

When I was a kid, a guy name Victor Kiam owned the Remington shaver company. He appeared on the company's TV commercials, saying that he "...liked the shaver so much, he bought the company!"

Victor Kiam must be doing somersaults in his grave.

(Image: Edmunds.com)

The United Nations: When the Going Gets Tough, the Diplomats Double Park

A great place for a Starbucks?

Does anyone else wonder what they do at the United Nations all day? I only ask because it appears that no matter what they do, nobody seems to care. Certainly, no one in their right mind could possibly think that the loony-tune running North Korea gives a second thought about what a bunch of effete diplomats in New York have to say about him setting off a 1950s-vintage nuclear bomb.

I just ask because it seems that the world is burning and the U.N. is really good at three things:

1. Drafting resolutions that everyone ignores;
2. Racking up parking tickets in New York City;
3. Bitching at the United States.

I'm thinking that's prime real estate over on the banks of the East River. Make a great place for a theme park or a shopping mall.

Haiku Friday - The Week of May 18, 2009

Like many of us slackers, Haiku Harry, our Asian poetry master, has split early for the long holiday weekend.

While I condemn his lack of responsibility or respect for the role he plays on this blog, we can use this opportunity to take time out of our picnic planning to reflect for a moment on Memorial Day.

The best speech that I know of to honor our fallen soldiers (and maybe the greatest speech ever given by a president) was what Abraham Lincoln said when he dedicated the Soldier's Cemetery at Gettysburg.

It is remarkable for many, many reasons, but I am struck by how the words resonate even today, against the backdrop of current events.

Enjoy the weekend, and remember who to thank for it.

-----------------------------------------

"Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate... we can not consecrate... we can not hallow... this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion; that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain; that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom; and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth."

- November 19, 1863

Banks and Congress Get Together: "Heads, you lose. Tails, you lose."

Let me get this straight: When the credit card bill now snaking its way through Congress becomes law, the banks stand to see a lot of revenue go down the toilet. If they can't charge their most irresponsible customers high fees and interest rates, well then they'll just have to get that money out of the rest of us.

So, if you have a no annual fee card and pay your credit card bill on time and in-full every month, you're going to be punished. That includes possibly being charged interest on every purchase from the moment you buy it.

Imagine what this will do to commerce. Take me, for instance. I will cancel ALL but one of my credit cards, and use that one only when I have to. This means I am likely to do a lot less shopping on-line and purchase few (if any) airline tickets. Talk about a law of unintended consequences. The American consumer may be the backbone of the global economy, but methinks there is going to be a lot less consuming in the not-too-distant future.

(Potential winner here: Paypal. Buy eBay stock.)

But this is hardly surprising. In this economy, the irresponsible wankers get bailed out and the rest of us do the bailing:

• Chrysler and GM take billions from taxpayers. Ford does not. Chrysler and GM go bankrupt, allowing them to restructure their businesses, on the backs of the taxpayers, that give them competitive advantages over Ford. For doing what appears to be the right thing and trying to run its business responsibly, Ford is placed at a disadvantage.
• The banks give $500,000 mortgages to anyone who can fog a mirror. As a "thank you" for living within our means and paying our mortgages, the taxpayers bail out the banks and the guy who refinanced and took money out so he could buy that new Hummer.
• Wall Street backed these loans and AIG insured them. Because we were so smart and Wall Street is so stupid, we get to bail out Wall Street, while our 401Ks lose half their value.

All the while, members of Congress accept huge campaign donations from the banks while claiming to write laws that "protect us."

Maybe it's all for the best. When we end up in a cash-only (or a barter) economy, people will finally be forced to live within their means and that guy will have to sell his Hummer and move back in with his parents. Then, he'll be their problem instead of ours.

Is Nancy Pelosi Developmentally Disabled?

Seriously. I watch her press conferences and I honestly wonder if this person is in possession of all her mental faculties.

This past week, she held a wildly misguided press conference during which she called the CIA a bunch of liars.

I am in no position to know what the CIA did or did not say to Mrs. Pelosi, but I do know a bit about press conferences. As someone who advises clients on how best (I hope) to communicate with the press, I can't imagine a less competent presentation of a case than that of Speaker Pelosi.

If you are the executive of a consumer products company that is introducing a new flavor of bubble gum, you should know something about your new product and be able to talk about it without referring to notes and talking points.

If you are the Speaker of the House of Representatives and CALL A PRESS CONFERENCE to accuse the CIA of LYING, you really, really, really need to have your ducks in line.

Watching the clip below, it seems unlikely that she spent more than 30 seconds preparing for this press conference and was totally relying on notes that were prepared for her by a staffer.

I am not sure what her agenda is, but if her goal is to make herself look like an uninformed, slightly senile partisan hack and be viewed as an embarrassingly idiotic Democrat yang to Dick Cheney's yin, well then, mission accomplished.

Haiku Friday - The Week of May 11, 2009

You know what's great about America? (Among many things, that is...)

In the face of war, economic calamity, natural disasters, flu pandemics, tainted food, rampant obesity, out-of-control health care costs, crumbling infrastructure, previously unimagined federal deficits and debt, global terrorism and a general feeling that we may not be king of the world any more...

...we can still take time out of our busy lives to give a sh*t about the fate of Miss California U.S.A. It is these little things that make up the strands that weave us together as a people.

Well, all that and American Idol.

These are momentous times. Let's take a stroll down memory lane to a simpler
era like... Tuesday.

Haiku Friday starts NOW!

Dick picks Rush Limbaugh.
"Colin is a Democrat."
Dick - PLEASE go away.

Health care execs meet.
"We will stop screwing you now.
No. Seriously."

GM hits a buck.
No one wants to buy its trucks,
and, yes - its cars suck.

"You're fired?!" Not this time.
Donald gives bimbo reprieve.
Bless the U.S.A!

Cheerios are drugs.
The FDA said as much.
Pass the skim milk, please.

Obama gets tough:
"Regulate derivatives!"
Wall St. just giggles.

Chrysler dumps dealers.
The small businessman gets hosed,
and the cars still stink.

A fairly busy week. Yet, I have all the confidence in the world that by the time you read this:

• You will not remember Miss California U.S.A's name (if you ever knew it in the first place) and,
• Wall Street will have figured out a way around whatever oversight of the derivatives market that Tim Geithner has up his sleeve.

This is America, after all.

And, you can cook them...

Out here in the 'burbs, we have our own versions of the pigeons and rats found in the big cities: Canada geese and deer.

Both are disgusting and dangerous.

Canada geese use the entire world, including lakes and ponds, as their personal cesspools, resulting in parks and golf courses filled with bird crap and lakes with elevated levels of bacteria. And they occasionally force passenger jets to land in rivers.

Deer are public transportation for the ticks that carry Lyme disease. They help themselves to a fine gourmet meal consisting of your carefully tended flower garden and if you hit one with your car, it's going to cost you. If you hit one while riding a motorcycle or bicycle, it may cost you a lot more.

Both are everywhere around here, to the point that neither is very interesting to look at. It's like seeing a squirrel.

EXCEPT at this time of year when they are toting their babies around. Yesterday evening on my bicycle ride, I passed a family of geese including mom, dad and about eight babies. An hour later six deer, including five small ones (with the white spots), ran across the road right in front of me.

Don't get me wrong: These creatures are suburban vermin - maybe even worse than their city-dwelling cousins. But unlike those city creatures, we get to see the babies. An no matter how hardened you are, they are irresistible - at least until they give you cholera* and crippling Lyme disease.

* I made this up. In truth, there is little evidence that goose poop poses a significant health risk to humans unless you spread it on a Ritz cracker and enjoy it with a nice, cool glass of pond water. Nevertheless, screw 'em. They are still a huge nuisance and if the geese don't like my blog, they can sue me.

David Souter: "I Hate My Job."

I was thinking about Supreme Court Justice David Souter. (Why? No idea.) As you know, he is retiring after this Court session is over in June.

It has become evident that he didn't like Washington very much. In fact, it seems that he did not like his job very much. He recently referred to the Supreme Court sessions as an "annual intellectual lobotomy."

Wouldn't it have been nice if he had told us all 20 years ago that he didn't like the job? It's one thing when a middle manager at the Acme Wire Hanger Company hates his job. The worst that can happen is that his direct reports are miserable and a few sub-par wire hangers make it into America's closets.

But when you are one of nine people whose job it is to interpret the Constitution and enforce the laws of the United States, one would hope that you would at least acknowledge the significance of what you do for a living.

Suggestion to the members of the president's team and the Senate Judiciary Committee who will be vetting Souter's replacement: Ask the candidates if they actually want the job first. If the answer is "no", find someone else.

Haiku Friday - The Week of May 4, 2009

Ah, Mother's Day. A holiday created out of thin air to honor people who should be honored 365 days a year. But, I suppose having one day set aside for moms is not such a bad idea.

Since the tendency on Mother's Day, however, is to look at our moms though a soft, hagiographic lens, I thought I would honor mothers the world over by making the tone of Haiku Friday reminiscent of how our moms really were. That is to say, constantly yelling at us to "Stop bothering your sister!" or "Wait until your father gets home!" or "No, you can't use your chemistry set to create a bio-weapon that will paralyze your piano teacher!"

So, with those fond memories we all share in mind, here is a summary of the week's news, in haiku form, complete with exclamation points that remind us of the urgency of moms everywhere.

Swine flu: Not so bad!
Media are despondent!
Wolf Blitzer is bored!

Stocks up even more!
The recession is over!
Buy that new car - NOW!

John Edwards is scum!
Pays mistress with campaign funds!
Bad boy! Off to jail!

Obama gets tough!
"You must kill the Taliban
before they kill you!"

Stress test results in!
BofA needs billions more!
Will they take a check?!

Manny did steroids?!
"You're grounded for 50 games!
Now get a haircut!"

Don't forget to call mom, make her breakfast in bed, send her flowers, take her to dinner, buy her a nice card, clean up your room, weed the garden, send her to get her nails done and buy her that new Argon 18 time trial bicycle she always wanted. If she's riding less these days, you can always take it off her hands.

"Hope I Die Before I Get Carpal Tunnel Syndrome" - Roger Daltrey

One of my rock and roll heroes - Keith Emerson of Emerson, Lake & Palmer - just canceled his summer tour due to medical reasons. The cancellation came complete with a doctor's note.

I love Keith, and had purchased great seats for two of the shows, but I wonder if perhaps he was also suffering from a bit of Lackofticketsalesitis. As of the other day, there were still plenty of good seats available and these were not very big venues.

Get well soon, Keith. Or get more fans. Or both.

Separated at Birth: We Report, YOU Decide

I am sure I am not the first to point this out, but it came up in a roundabout way during a Facebook discussion among friends yesterday.

White House press secretary Robert Gibbs looks a bit like make-believe family guy Peter Griffin.

Take a look for yourself:

Gibbs:

Griffin:

Boston Globe Watch: "I'm Not Dead Yet!"

Well, it looks like the writers' union at the Boston Globe and its owner, the New York Times Company, are still talking.

Someone asked me today what I thought was going to happen.

"What do I know," I responded, except that if I was asked to choose between cutting my wages or no wages at all, I would probably choose to cut my wages.

They'll figure it out. After all, what would the city of Boston look like without the Boston Globe?

There are no real villains here (though lifetime job guarantees in this day and age - in ANY industry - is pretty laughable.) Newspaper reporters deserve to be paid and the owners deserve to make a profit.

But, this is a new era in the media and anyone not willing to adapt will be left behind.

Haiku Friday - The Week of April 27, 2009

People often ask me how I can be so prolific with my poetry? (1)

One word: plagiarism.

There is some lonely, misguided malcontent blogging from the isolated town of Yūbari on the Japanese island of Hokkaido. Since I am fluent in the 京阪式 dialect, I just copy his work and claim it as my own.

Who's gonna stop me? Japan? I'm pretty sure we eliminated them as a military force in
August '45.

So, since there is much to say and very few syllables available, let's get to it. Here is the week in review, courtesy of my Japanese friend, 鈴木.

Going to Cancun?
Make sure to bring home the flu.
Thank you, Mexico!

Panic in New York!
Air-Force One scares everyone!
What dumb-ass planned this?

Specter joins the Dems!
Filibuster? Not this year!
G.O.P. freaks out!

Swine flu is spreading.
Will there be a pandemic?
Cheney blames Barack.

Biden says "Stay home."
His office says "Just kidding."
The prez says "Shut up!!!"

Chrysler bites the dust!
Fiat comes to the rescue!
NOW we'll buy one...not!

One-hundred days down,
Barack is a busy man.
What shoe will drop next?

The other shoe drops.
Justice Souter calls it quits.
The battle begins.

A busy week indeed. I just wonder if President Obama can keep that cool, calm demeanor if the remaining 1,358 days of his first term are as tumultuous as the first 100 days. Heck, I need a vacation and I am pretty far removed from most of the policy decisions coming out of the White House.

Have a great weekend. Relax, recharge and prepare for next week's news cycle which, at the rate things are going, will no doubt include locusts, boils and frogs.

(1) No one has ever asked me this.