Climatologists have determined that Alaska governor Sara Palin's abrupt decision to quit her job has drastically increased the pace of global warming.
"Whenever humans speak, they exhale carbon dioxide, which is the leading cause of global warming," said Nathan Gormley, chief scientist at the National Oceanic Atmospheric Administration. "Mrs. Palin's rambling, incoherent resignation speech and then her subsequent interviews produced enough CO2 to affect, ironically, caribou migration patterns in Alaska. Then you add in all the pundits, Meet the Press and radio talk show hosts and you have the perfect storm for worldwide famine and population dislocation. Rush Limbaugh's bloviating alone will likely kill about two million people on the Asian sub-continent."
At the recent G8 summit, emerging nations including China and India said, in effect, if the U.S. can't get her to shut the f*ck up, then they see no reason to curtail the construction of coal-fired power plants at the current rate of two new plants every six minutes.
"God forbid she gets her own talk show," said Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh. "We'll be spending winter vacations on the beach in Moscow."
Sarah Palin, when reached for comment, went on a 45 minute discourse on "real Americans" and "the evils of a free press." Several hours later, an entire pod of humpback whales beached themselves near Whidbey Bay, Alaska.