As Toyota executives prepare to testify before Congress next week about the company's recent, um, faux pas, I drifted off into another one of my "Fantasy Congressional Testimonies" that occasionally make their way onto this blog:
Senator Windbag: "Mr. Toyoda - can you tell this committee why your company is trying to murder innocent American families with the 'Kamikaze Death Machines' that you pass off as automobiles?"
Toyota CEO Akio Toyoda: "Great and honorable senator. Thank you for making this opportunity for Toyota to tell your great and honorable peoples about our great and honorable cars. It is important for you to understand how important it is to Toyota to not appear to not care about not telling peoples about possible problems that might not have been a problem as soon as we thought they might not be. Thank you!"
Senator Assface: "Um - what?"
Mr. Toyoda: "Thank you senator. Good question. My chief of staff will make sure we provide you with a full affidavit that specifically addresses that issue."
Senator Roboto: "If I may - did we get an answer to the first question yet?"
Mr. Toyoda: "Domo arigato, Senator Roboto. You bring up an excellent point. Early in this process, Toyota did not wish to make clear the facts that would have clarified what we might not have known about problems with gas pedals and brakes and stuff. Now, as my presence here before your royal highnesses proves, Toyota is ready to make clear everything that was previously less clear."
Senator Cluck: "Wait. Are you 'Toyota' or 'Toyoda?'
Mr. Toyoda: Yes.
Senator Dickfor: "Yes what?"
Mr. Toyoda: "Thank you."
Senator Flotsam: "Can I get a translator in here? I have no f-ing idea what this guy is talking about!"
Mr. Toyoda: "I think this might be a good time to take a break."
Senator Windbag: "The witness can not call for a break. Only the committee chair can do that."
Senator Jetsam: "I move for a four hour lunch break!"
Mr. Toyoda: "Granted. This hearing is adjourned."
I am sure the real hearings will be just as enlightening, so feel free to skip C-Span and watch ice dancing or American Idol.