In a move to shore up its sagging credibility with regard to the privacy of its 900 billion members, Facebook today announced that it was removing the "social" and the "networking" aspects of its wildly popular web site to ensure that no one can see anything about anyone else, ever, for all eternity.
"We listened to our user-base and they spoke loud and clear: They signed up voluntarily and want to keep using our platform for free, but don't want to share anything with Facebook or its advertisers, so we're going to honor their wishes," said Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. "Now, the only person you can see on Facebook is yourself, and then only if you grant yourself permission to share things with yourself."
Under the new Facebook privacy protocols, users who want to know where they are at any given moment are going to have to enter an eight-character cuneiform code that identifies them as themselves and then informs that person only as to what they are doing at the exact moment. If that person moves from that location, the code expires and they have to enter a new one.
"F*ck it," said Zuckerberg. "I could have sold this thing to Ballmer for a few billion. Now, all everyone does is bitch about privacy this and security that. I think I'll call that guy from the Washington Post and see if he still wants to buy it, if only to pry the New York Times out of my ass! Hey - we're not on the record are we?"
When asked about how this might affect Facebook's valuation in an IPO, a Goldman Sachs analyst, who wished to remained anonymous because he was using his kids' college funds to short his wife's company's stock, said that the new policy would not be an issue in an IPO.
"Are you kidding me? Pets.com went public. Webvan went public. If there is one thing the housing bubble taught us is that we can put a plateful of dogsh*t in front of our clients and they'll eat it, every time. We're Goldman f-ing Sachs, for chrissake!"