I've been truly impressed with Sarah Palin's and Michele Bachmann's recent history lessons as part of their run for president. (Well, Sarah Palin is actually running FROM her past including losing in 2008 and then quitting her day job in 2009.)
Here is my fantasy stump speech that I am happy to donate to either of their campaigns:
Thank you for inviting me here today! It's great to be among such a wonderful group of patriots who, just like our founding fathers did during the Civil War against France, are ready to stand up to a tyrannical oppressor, like Cardinal Richelieu or Lord Mountbatten or someone like that, and invoke the great Patrick Henry and declare "We're mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore!"
<Pause for applause>
Today, I stand before you with the spirit of Betsy Ross filling my heart, as I recall how she selflessly knitted uniforms out of cobwebs to help our dough-boys beat back Napoleon during the War of the Roses. It is THAT kind of sacrifice that president Obama wants every one of you to agree to and I say "Not on my watch, Mr. President!"
Because we have been sacrificing plenty. Anyone who has shopped at Lord & Taylor instead of Chanel or who has cut back on sushi in order to save the whales knows how much we've given up during the past two years of the Obama presidency. I say "Enough!" It's open season on humpbacks and I'm going out to buy that cute Prada number I saw yesterday while shopping in Vegas! Who's with me?!"
<Pause for applause>
You know, last time I checked, America was the land of big ideas:
- Major Tony Nelson's first step on the moon
- Albert Einstein's invention of the "Super Soaker"
- Johnny Unitas throwing a "no-hitter" during the 1947 NBA Finals
It's time we remembered the great accomplishments from these and millions of other great Americans who value freedom from government oversight and understand the power of individuals to make their own decisions about what's best for their families.
That's why I'm in favor of a Constitutional Amendment to ban gay marriage and recycling. Both are direct affronts to individual sovereignty as well as being dirty and time consuming. If we clog up our town halls, our courts, our justices-of-the-peace and our sanitation workers with endless marriage license paperwork and plastic sorting to accommodate a few gays and green-nuts, how can the United States ever be as great as when we came together as one behind Captain America to defeat the Russians under Columbus?!
<Pause for applause>
Finally, I would like to talk about immigration. I want to personally commend the governor of the great state of Arizona, Charles Barkley, who single-handedly took control of immigration policy in this country by sealing our border with Costa Rica and arresting anyone who looks like Sanjaya from Season Six of "American Idol." I can promise more of this kind of brave policy-making if I am president.
I'll leave you today with the powerful words of Winston Churchill, who, during Dublin's darkest hours during the Vietnam War, inspired his people to carry on:
"We shall meet them at the spa! We shall meet them at the Mall of America! We shall fight them for a parking spot! Never have so many done so little for so few!"
Thank you and God bless me and whoever votes for me!
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