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Black Friday: The Ghost of Thanksgiving Future, Courtesy of Walmart

So, with Walmart opening at 10:00PM on Thanksgiving night this year, I am trying to imagine the natural progression of Black Fridays going forward. I envision Thanksgiving 2012 will look something like this:

 

 "Greeters" from your local Walmart will show up at your house at around 3:00 PM Thanksgiving Day, just as the pumpkin pie is coming out. They will sit down, help themsleves to your food and wine, then grab your wallet, take out your credit cards, sit down at your computer, buy a bunch of made-in-China-shit-you-don't-need from the Walmart web site. As they leave, they will use the bathroom (not bothering to flush) and then step on the dog's tail on their way out the door, which they won't bother to close.

Your kids will be crying, scared to death by the strangers in their house. The dog will be whimpering in the corner, and you'll be checking the good silverware to make sure nothing has gone missing.

 

Happy F-ing Thanksgiving! See you next year, suckers!

Garmin: Welcome to Holiday Shopping 1994

I like Garmin GPS products. I have one in my car, one on my bicycle and one on my wrist every time I go running. They are easy-to-use and well-designed.

Too bad I can't say the same about the latest holiday email promotion from Garmin. It says that you can get free shipping IF you call and order by phone. I'll let that soak in...

<pause>

Yep. Garmin will give you free shipping if and only if you call their Chicago store (huh?), which is NOT toll free, and talk to them. OR you can send them an email. Double huh?

Um - thank you, no. I'll order the same thing from about 500 vendors who will let me order online without the sales pitch and will ship it for free.

Garmin is so good at helping people find their way. How did they lose theirs on this one?

An Open Letter to Nike Chairman Phil Knight

 

Dear Phil:

Nice move! In a perfect, synergistic, life-imitates-art campaign, you have dug up the rotting corpse of Tiger Woods dad and combined it with Tiger's whoring to become a whore yourself! Well-played!

As a runner, triathlete and cyclist, I have been using Nike products for the better part of three decades. Not anymore. Because, while I too believe in the power of capitalism and support the notion that you have the right to market your products any way you like, it (capitalism) is a two-way street. You get to behave like a crass scumbag and I get to vote with my feet (pun intended.)

I do not know much about the advertising and branding game that Nike has so brilliantly played over the years, so I will defer to your wisdom and experience that the new Tiger Woods commercial, featuring the philandering Tiger Woods staring blankly into the camera while his dead father talks, has some sort of higher meaning that will drive millions of people who are smarter than I to run out and buy a set of Nike golf balls.

You're the expert, so good luck with that.

I just don't get how using a lying, cheating hypocrite as a spokesperson helps your brand. I think about my friends who have to explain to their school-age kids why Tiger Woods is in the news all the time and I don't think "Yeah! That makes for a great ad campaign!"

Let us not forget that Tiger Woods has an entire foundation that claims to support kids. He built himself up as a paragon of virtue and family values. A good chunk of his endorsement fortune is based on that false image. So his private life is relevant here, because he chose to make it so. He is not just an athlete.

I can understand standing by a flawed human who made (multiple) mistakes, but I can't understand why you would want to flaunt it for marketing purposes.

So goodbye, Mr. Knight and hello Asics, Adidas, Zoot, Brooks, Reebok, Puma, K-Swiss, New Balance, Saucony and all the others that do NOT use celebrity dicks like Tiger Woods to promote your brand. I look forward to getting to know your shoes, your clothing and everything else you make. And if anyone wants to buy some slightly used Nike crap, drop me a note.

Haiku Friday - The Week Ending January 15, 2010

Can we vote Mark McGwire in as Senate majority leader? Because if the criteria for majority leader is lame excuses for prior stupid acts and comments, McGwire is eminently more qualified than Harry Reid. Hands down.

It's been another stellar week of "Lifestyles of the Rich, Powerful and Moronic" and I am sure that Haiku Harry has something to say about McGwire, Reid, Leno and all the rest, so let's get to the news roundup:

China just loves to
poison our kids and our pets.
F*ck you, Wen Jiabao.

Google to China:
"Freedom must trump oppression!
And check out this ad!"

Harry LOVES Negroes:
"Some of my best friends are black!"
He's too dumb to serve.

Mark McGwire cries:
"I lied! I cheated! I doped!
Now, give me a job!"

The bankers are mad!
"We deserve our bonuses!
Bring me my limo!"

Barack has our back:
"The bankers will pay big fees!"
(Which they will charge us.)

NBC is hosed.
Leno is back, Conan - OUT!
Most of us don't care.

If you happen to run into NBC CEO Jeff Zucker this weekend, ask him if, when he is done sowing salt into the ashes of NBC so that nothing may grow there ever again, he wants to come shovel my driveway - a job for which he might - might - be qualified.

My Favorite Blogs and News Sites of 2009

I read a lot of stuff on the Interweb. There are so many good writers and sources of useful, entertaining and humorous material out there.

After careful refection as to which sites I regularly read, I have decided that my all time favorite for the year is... this one.

That's right. I love reading my own blog, if for no other reason than if not me, who else will bother to read it?

But, I certainly want to acknowledge and send a shout-out to the runner-ups. Perhaps they could aspire to depose my own blog as my top pick for 2010.

In no particular order:

- CBS News, Coop's Corner: While I miss Charlie Cooper at CNET, he has a special flair for pissing off anyone who thinks Sarah Palin is the bee's knees. What's not to like about that?

- CNET's Webware: Always useful and helpful information on Internet-y stuff.

- BrandFlakesForBreakfast: My friend Darryl Ohrt's fun, pithy and quick-reading source for all things advertising, branding and social media.

- New York Times Well blog: As a barely competent amateur triathlete, it's nice to know I have company and to find all sorts of helpful information on how not to get any slower than I already am.

- Technologizer: Editor-in-chief and grand-poobah Harry McCracken is a veteran journalist in the technology industry. His experience, deep-knowledge and irreverent humor all come through loud and clear.

- CNET's Crave: I like gadgets. So does this blog. 'Nuff said.

- Woot!: If you don't know about Woot!, you should. They sell one item each day (not a single item, but many copies of the same item). It's always a good deal and if it sells out, tough luck. But even if you're not buying, the product descriptions are worth the read.

- Romanesko: I'm a media junkie. Have been for 30 years or so. This is my fix.

- Politico: I am also a politics junkie, but only to the extent that it's fun to watch these dim-bulbs step on their own d*cks over and over and over again. (In Larry Craig's case, that might have actually happened...)

- Scotus Blog: All about the Supreme Court. I only added it to make me look all erudite and because I needed one more in order to be able to use the nifty "Top 10" graphic at the top of this entry.

There are probably about a hundred more that I could cite, but these are the ones that leapt to mind in the 14 seconds I spent thinking about it.

I am happy to add others that you suggest, but that would require someone else besides me to be reading this.

Happy New Year.

Why the French are Better Than Us, Part Deux

A little more than a year ago, I blogged about why the French are so much better than us.

Thanks to one of my favorite blogs, Darryl Ohrt's BrandFlakesforBreakfast, we have further confirmation that France continues to outpace this country in every way.

Our Victoria Secret commercials in this country suck. They are a bunch of artificially enhanced supermodels in underwear. Big whoop.

In France, they know how to advertise underwear. Hell, who needs underwear at all?

Thanks, Darryl. I can always count on your blog for the occasional fix of soft-core porn!

Haiku Friday - The Week of November 2, 2009

The Halloween candy is gone (except for the crappy Good 'n Plenty), baseball season is just finished, another election day has come and gone.

So, what do we do now? Relax and enjoy the quiet of November?

Of course not. Because trick-or-treating marks the traditional start to the holiday shopping season. Yes, nothing says Christmas like kids in Freddy Krueger masks carrying around the hollowed-out heads of dead pumpkins, filled with sugary goodness.

Don't believe me? Check the TV commercials and the web. The retailers, who are in full-blown panic mode about this year's holiday shopping season, started running Christmas commercials BEFORE Halloween. That's right: We were watching Santa Claus during baseball season.

So as not to perpetuate this crass exploitation of the holidays, we are committed to posting no holiday-themed haikus until after Thanksgiving. And maybe not even then.

Ford makes a profit!
People are buying their cars.
Chrysler? Not so much...

It's election day!
I bet you forgot to vote.
(You did, didn't you?)

The Yanks win! Again.
Twenty seven World Series.
Boston does slow burn...

Fiorina runs.
Remember: She ran HP...
... into the toilet.

Unemployment up.
Recession over? Not yet.
Any Santa jobs?

That's the week that was. For those of you who have been inexplicably an hour early for everything this past week, don't forget to set your clocks back one hour on Saturday night.

Save on jetBlue Airfares. Except Jews.

I was going to give jetBlue a load of crap about this, but I am sure there was no malice of forethought. Rather, someone in marketing just sort of... forgot.

Yesterday was Yom Kippur, so I did not read any emails. This morning, as I was sorting through the 54,127 new messages that came in while I was fasting, I noticed the one-day fare sale email from jetBlue.

Alas, that one day was yesterday - the holiest day on the Jewish calendar, so I guess there will be a whole bunch of WASP-filled flights coming up for jetBlue.

But I'll be standing by for the Christmas Day sale that I am sure is coming.

The. Best. Advertising. Disclaimer. Ever.

We live in a litigious world. Buy hot coffee, spill it in your lap - sue the store that sold it to you. Buy a ladder, fall off - sue the ladder company.

These days, you can't buy a loaf of bread without some warning about how if you eat it too fast, you could choke and die.

This is especially true of prescription drugs.

If you watch the evening newscasts, you know what I am talking about. (I am pretty sure that without ads for prescription drugs, Katie Couric, Brian Williams and Charlie Gibson would be working for minimum wage and broadcasting out of a storage locker.)

You've seen the ads. "Take this drug for toe fungus, but be aware that you could start bleeding through your eye sockets, sweating diarrhea and get an erection that lasts three weeks."

I was recently amused by a new commercial for the sleep aid Ambien that shows an animated pill hovering over a woman's head as she sleeps, sprinkling particles of medicine directly into her skull. Underneath, the word "Dramatization" appears, just in case anyone thought that's how it actually works.

But nothing can compare to the Ambien web site. The home page has a photo of a giant, rotating Ambien pill with five people standing on it. Underneath, the disclaimers say "Not actual patients" and "Not actual pill size."

Yep. Some lawyer, somewhere, is making sure that people understand that a real Ambien pill is not the same size as one of those giant pool-party floats.

Of course, this begs the question: Those people may not be actual patients, but are they actual size? Because if they are, then that would be a pretty important side-effect of Ambien that we might want to know about.

And the Winner Is...

 

...Hallmark Cards!

-----------

Picture this: It's a hot August evening. After my run, I stop at the mailbox to pick up the day's mail. As I walk to the house, sweat drips from my forehead onto the mail as I read it. It must be 90 degrees, 90 percent humidity. I swat mosquitoes off my neck. The rumble of a distant summer thunderstorm echoes on the horizon.

I walk into the house and my beautiful wife is waiting for me with a towel and a cool glass of iced-tea. She is resplendent as the ceiling fan gently caresses the gauzy fabric of her summer dress. It's like I've walked into a Faulkner novel.

"What's in the mail?" she asks.

"Oh, nothing," I reply. "The usual - bills, a couple of magazines and... what's this? Why, it's the FIRST F-ING HOLIDAY CATALOG OF THE SEASON!"

------------

That's right. Hallmark cards gets the award for the first holiday season mailing of 2009. Two weeks before Labor Day and the good folks at Hallmark are shilling their greeting cards.

I'm sure some marketing and sales wizards did the calculus that says if they get out there early, it means more business. But I can assure you, Hallmark, that with me you may have jumped the gun juuuust a skosh.

What merchant will be the first to solicit you with a holiday catalog, in a crass and desperate attempt to salvage what will no doubt be the worst holiday selling season since... last year?

Feel free to post them here.

U.S. Taxpayers: "We hated the products so much, we bought the company!"

The Pontiac Aztek: Can we fire the guy who approved this???

Imagine this: You take your family out to the restaurant. The food was rancid, the service horrible and everything was overpriced. As you walk out of the restaurant, you turn to your spouse and say:

"Wow! That was horrific! Let's buy the place!"

As preposterous as that sounds, it seems that's exactly what we, the taxpayers, are doing with General Motors.

Yep, as GM heads into bankruptcy, it appears that when the fat lady sings, the U.S. government (that is, you and me) will own about 70 percent of the company, to the tune of some $70 billion.

I guess that's our punishment for buying Honda Accords and Toyota Camrys instead of those most excellent Chevy Corsicas and Pontiac Azteks.

When I was a kid, a guy name Victor Kiam owned the Remington shaver company. He appeared on the company's TV commercials, saying that he "...liked the shaver so much, he bought the company!"

Victor Kiam must be doing somersaults in his grave.

(Image: Edmunds.com)

Chrysler Changes Name to "Facebook"

In a stunning turn of events as it seeks to stave off inevitable oblivion, Chrysler announced today that it is changing its name to "Facebook."

"We think the time is right to re-brand ourselves into something newer, hipper and more forward-looking," said Chrysler LLC CEO Robert Nardelli. "We've done an extensive analysis of the situation and our internal review jibes with what our very expensive branding firm out of New York tells us: that this Internet thing could really take off - and we want to get in on it. The kids seem to love computers and these handheld phones that you can take with you wherever you go, so we think we've got our finger on the pulse of the Gen-Xers, who are just now heading into their early 40s."

Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook, seemed somewhat bemused, but mostly supportive of Chrysler's actions.

"Well, it's a bit unorthodox, since, you know, Facebook already exists, but we have like a billion members and our total revenue last year was $149.63, so maybe these guys can figure out a way to make some money."

When asked by a reporter how this change would affect the 55,000 Chrysler employees, Nardelli displayed some of that old charm that made him so beloved as CEO of Home Depot a few years ago.

"Screw 'em," said Nardelli. "We can run this whole company with six guys from the IT department and the woman who waters the plants in my office three times a week. Everyone else can apply for stimulus money or go work at... Home Depot."

White House spokesman Duane Muller says the Obama administration approves.

"Anything we can do to scrape that big, fat smelly turd off of our shoes is OK by us," said Muller. "Chrysler can sell Internet porn for all we care. Just make it go away."

General Motors, also recently seen twitching on the floor in its final death throes, has sent signals that it too plans a radical makeover. A spokesman who asked to remain anonymous for fear of being mocked mercilessly by a reporter, indicated that GM was in the final stages of changing its name to either "Boyz II Men" or "Dawson's Creek."

Colgate-Palmolive: "F*ck the Environment! Buy These Stupid Toothbrushes!"

 

"The Colgate Wisp: Freshen Your Breath While You Destroy the Planet for Your Kids!"

The other day I receive an order from an online pharmacy and it comes with a free sample of a new product from Colgate called "Wisp". Basically, it is a plastic, one-time use toothbrush so that you can "freshen up multiple times throughout the day."

Hey - I'm all for fresh and minty breath, but really. Isn't this just another example of "just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should"?

These things cost more than 50 cents each, so if you use one three times a day, you are looking at $500+ per year to brush your teeth in between brushing your teeth.

But never mind that. How you spend your money is up to you.

The thing that got my wheels turning is that one has to assume that if a big company like Colgate-Palmolive put millions into R&D and will spend millions more manufacturing and marketing these things, that the company hopes it will be a big commercial success.

So imagine, say, 20 million people, brushing their teeth three times a day with these things and then throwing them out. That's 60 million little plastic toothbrushes, with the half-life of plutonium, going into our landfills every day. Multiply that by 365 days and that comes out to...9,000 bazillion pieces of unnecessary of polyethylene ending up in our landfills each year. That's plastic made from foreign oil. (Think of it this way: Every time you use a Wisp, a Saudi-backed terrorist gets his wings.) And they are packaged in individual plastic and paper containers.

Now, I am not a crazy environmentalist, but I am very much opposed to hypocrisy.

Which is why I find Colgate's supposed environmental stewardship to be such an insult. It's called "Respect for our Planet."

Um, yeah. If respect for our planet means throwing up a web page and then manufacturing utterly useless products that will sit in our landfills until the Sun burns out, you guys have it nailed.

PS: What lame marketing asshat came up with the oh-so-tragically hip web site for this product? I can just imagine the conversation among the marketing gurus around conference table at Colgate who actually approved this:

"Don, I think this web site really speaks to the kids!"

"You're right, Courtney. Those foul-mouthed Gen-yers will really get down to our funky beat!"

Let's start a pool as to how long it takes this product to die a quiet and deserved death. I give it a year, tops.

Dueling Laptops: Dell versus Acer

Image: Amazon.com

What is it about svelte new laptops that demand websites with lame, vaguely club-like music that might sound cool in Kroger but not anywhere else?

Dell launched the web site for its alleged MacBook Air killer, the Adamo, a few weeks ago. Get ready for the sounds of Enya.

Acer is launching its own attempt at the Kate Moss-look laptop with the Timeline. Get ready for some oh-so-hip smooth jazz, circa 1991.

Here's what I did: I started both web sites simultaneously and let the two soundtracks play at the same time. I'm pretty sure it sounds better than each individually and I am positive some enterprising young college student with no job prospects this summer and lots of free time could turn it into a YouTube mashup sensation.

AutoVantage: "The Cornerstone of Our Marketing is to Insult the Intelligence of our Prospects!"

Today, I get this letter from a company called AutoVantage. It is some kind of auto club something-or-other. (I will not link to the website because, well, read on...)

AutoVantage sends me a "check" for $5.00 (that's five whole dollars). If I cash the "check", I get to pay AutoVantage $149.99 per year for whatever it is it does.

Let me repeat: AutoVantage pays me $5.00 for the right for me to pay it $149.99.

As previously disclosed on this blog, I am no math wizard (like my father-in-law Jerry King, whose new book on math is available for pre-order on Amazon.com), but I am pretty sure that is a lousy deal.

The letter ends with: "And the $5.00 is yours to keep, with my compliments." It is signed by John Sessler, Senior Director, AutoVantage Enhance Services.

Hey John: This flavor of crap accounting doesn't wash anymore in America. This is, after all, the same sort of ass-backwards financial wizardry that has us all bailing out the entire global banking system. We're onto to you!

Everyone has probably received similar offers, but this one just seemed to really peg the "dumb-ass" meter.

Here's some advice about how to take advantage of AutoVantage:

Join Triple-A