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Haiku Friday - The Week of October 26, 2009

Once again, my oh-so-supportive wife has reminded me that my preambles to Haiku Friday are getting out of hand. She says that once - just ONCE - I should shut my mouth and let Haiku Harry have his day in the sun, without going off on this tangent or that jag.

While I STRENUOUSLY disagree with her, I'll concede the point, at least for this week.

So, without further delay or the benefit of an enlightened, thoughtful and funny introduction, here is this week's news, lamely encapsulated by some third-rate, Kyoto University poetry major drop-out.

Want a swine flu shot?
Get in line and no whining.
And don't breathe on me!

Pilots? You're fired!
No Facebooking while flying!
Back of the plane, please.

It's World Series time!
Yanks go for 27.
New York LOVES A-Rod!

Yankees drop Game 1.
A-Rod ends up 0-for-4.
New York HATES A-Rod!

GDP is up!
The recession is over!
Now shop 'til you drop!

Yankees win Game 2!
Pedro says "I hate this team."
A-Rod? 0-for-8.

Now that the recession is officially over, please reconsider your plans for giving paperclips instead of Butterfingers to the trick-or-treaters this weekend.

The Financial Crisis One Year Later: The Way We Were

Over the weekend, I read a great excerpt in the new issue of Vanity Fair of Andrew Ross Sorkin's new book - Too Big to Fail -  about the financial meltdown. It made me all weepy and nostalgic for last fall, so I took a stroll down memory lane by looking over some of my blog posts (someone has to) from one year ago as the global financial crisis was blooming in all its horrific splendor. I thought it would be fun (for me, at least) to post a timeline of some of my favorite missives from that oh-so-exciting era, when G.W. Bush was still driving the bus and the Nobel Prize Committee was writing the first draft of President Obama's Peace Prize certificate.

September 2008

September 15, 2008: That's the last time I go on vacation

September 19, 2008: Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley: "No fair short selling OUR stocks!!!"

September 21, 2008: This Just In: Financial Crisis Traced to My Wife!

September 25, 2008: How we know this financial crisis really IS a CRISIS...

September 29, 2008: Financial Fiasco: Blame Sarah Palin

October 2008

October 6, 2008: Separated at birth?

October 8, 2008: The Bush Administration: Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory

October 31, 2008: The scariest thing you'll ever see on Halloween

December 2008

December 3, 2008: Bailing out Detroit: Who pays for MY health insurance?

December 8, 2008: Merrill Lynch's John Thain: My balls are so big, I need a full time personal assistant to carry them for me

December 8, 2008: Bob Lutz: No fair calling it a "bailout"

December 10, 2008: Detroit update: Bad news and worse news

December 11, 2008: I love my country...

December 17, 2008: The Madoff debacle: Congress to the rescue!

Memories like this are precious. If only I could sell them on eBay to cover my inevitable 20 percent health insurance premium increase that is coming any day now.

China Declares War on the U.S.

Image: www.taviscoburn.com

This blog has never been a particularly big fan of the government of China. The many egregious crimes that China has committed against its own people and the world are well-documented.

As a refresher - in the past two years China has sent us poisoned toys, dog food, seafood and medicine. It murders its own citizens, violently stamps down on any opposition - in Tibet or anywhere - and backs the murderous regime in Sudan.

Add to this, according to today's New York Times, poison houses. During the recent go-go housing bubble, builders were so desperate for drywall that they imported it from China. Alas, true to form, the Chinese exported drywall made with sulfur which, for those of you who did not fight in World War I, is what mustard gas was made from and was deemed so hideous a weapon that it was banned under the Geneva Convention. But, I guess if you're China, that treaty doesn't say anything specific about not using it to build an American child's bedroom, so what the f*ck. Why not?

According to the Times story, "There could be 60,000 to 100,000 homes that are worthless and have to be ripped completely down and rebuilt."

It would seem that China has declared war on the United States. But rather than the messy business of launching thermonuclear warheads, which would probably get noticed, China is going with the 'death by a thousand cuts' method.

But it's even more insidious than just sending over some contaminated kibbles. Bear in mind that most of the crap we buy at Wal-Mart and Target is made in China. We insist on paying three dollars less for that pair of shoes, so Wal-Mart is more than happy to send that business to a sweat-shop in Guangzhou.

Being the voracious consumers we are, all our money is flowing into China. And what happens to it? They lend it back to us so we can bail out the auto companies and banks and hand out 'free' money for "Cash-for-Clunkers." That's right. The same money that we spend on toxic products comes back to us when China buys our debt. Except this time, we have have to pay interest on it. (Or, more to the point, our children and great-great grandchildren will be paying that back.)

So, next time we buy scallops imported from China, or a $10 cashmere sweater, keep in mind where and how it was made, by whom and how much it is really costing all of us.

Yes, the Chinese government is truly evil and is putting its special brand of genius to work to declare war on the only real super power that stands in its way. And by my estimation, the baddies in Beijing are winning.

Let's just hope India, as the largest democracy on Earth, can step up and open up a can of economic whoop-ass on China before it's too late.

A Man Steps Up and Admits When He is Wrong

About a month ago, I posted a horribly unfair screed about the "Cash for Clunkers" program enacted by Congress to help spur car sales.

My thesis was that the program was too restrictive and that no one would be able to take part.

Boy, was I wrong. It turns out Congress screwed up in the other direction. The program - which started last Friday and was supposed to go until November or until the $1 billion allocation was used up -  is out of money. In one week.

Today, the president and Congress added $2 billion in stimulus funds to keep the party rolling. Keep in mind that this is all taxpayer money, so when the guy next door shows off his new BMW, tell him you want to drive your portion of it.

Anyway, let this be a lesson: Any jackass can start a blog. Shame on YOU for believing what you read!

Haiku Friday (on Thursday) - The Week of June 29, 2009

This weekend we celebrate the birth of the greatest nation on Earth. It can be depressing to think that this is the same nation that produced Joseph McCarthy, Aldrich Ames and Bernie Madoff.

But we also gave the world Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Edison and Flavor Flav, so, you know, we can't be all bad.

In fact conflict, contradiction and turmoil are rooted in the very fabric of any great, creative nation. As Orson Wells said in The Third Man: 

"In Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love - they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock."

So, we take the bad with the good and through it all, the United States is at once the most reviled and envied country in history.

And speaking of history, some was made this past week:

"Bernie gets the max!
Going to jail until death.
Live long, DON'T prosper.

Fair play rules in Court.
Hire based on merit, not race.
Sonia got it wrong.

Start to leave Iraq.
They can take care of themselves?
Not very likely.

Minnesota done!
Al Franken in the Senate!
At last, it's over!

Tough times for Arnold.
California is flat broke.
I.O.U.s must do.

The U.S. is fat.
Mississippi is the worst.
Dude - have a salad.

Mark Sanford is nuts.
He really needs to shut up.
Resigning might help.

It's the 4th of July weekend. Don't forget to set something on fire (a burger), blow something up (fireworks or the Taliban) and make a lot of noise (repeatedly confess to an affair in Argentina). It's the American way.

"Cash-for-Clunkers": Congress Screws the Pooch, Again

My wife's 1996 Saab may be in the process of shuffling off its mortal coil. So we're talking (JUST talking) about what her next car might be.

Wouldn't you know - Congress recently passed the "Cash-for-Clunkers"  legislation that allows people to trade in their old cars and receive up to $4,500 from the feds.

Problem is, the program is so riddled with caveats and qualifications as to which cars can be traded-in and which qualify for the rebate that it's almost impossible for any normal car owner to get in on the action.

In fact, I ran an analysis and it appears that the ONLY people who can get the rebate are owners of a 1988 Chevrolet Caprice Classic who are planning on buying a Honda Civic Hybrid. This means that, based on the most recent motor vehicle registrations, Orville Simpkins of Elk Horn, Iowa, is the only person in the country who will actually qualify for the rebate.

"We only buy a car every 20 years or so, so I guess our timing is pretty good," said Simpkins, owner of the local Suds & Duds Laundrette. "Normally, we only buy Chevys, but I hear that GM went out of business, so we're going to buy one of those little Japanese models I read about. If Congress wants to kick in a few thousand, well, so much the better."

When asked what Congress would do with the leftover $999,995,500 in the program, a staffer for the House Appropriations Committee said "road trip."

Haiku Friday - The Week of June 1, 2009

I was going to do this big, long diatribe intro about GM and Citigroup getting booted from the Dow Jones Industrial Average, and the future of capitalism and market forces and blah, blah, blah but then I realized - there is a Hummer-sized load of news to haiku about this week!

So, here's your news digest, in nicely digestible, sushi-sized chunks:

GM is now dead.
Wait! No! It lives after all!
And look: We own it!

Sotomayor meets.
Makes the rounds in the Senate.
A lot of white males...

China buys Hummer.
Now the Chinese can enjoy
gas-guzzling road hogs.

Barack out of town.
He kisses the Saudis' feet,
just as George Bush did.

Dueling news stories:
Obama? No! Osama!
Bin Laden makes threats.

Tiananmen Square
happened 20 years ago.
China still killing.

California? Broke!
The profligate spending? Done!
Arnold is fed up!

Obama gives speech.
The whole Arab world listens,
then shrugs its shoulders.

Mozilo is charged.
Mr. Sub-Prime mortgage-man
is a big fraud? No!!!

Wow. What a week. I'm winded.

Hey - one last thought: If you're looking for a way to be a productive member of the economy this weekend, run out and buy everyone you know a Camaro. After all, you own the company. Don't you think you should own the car?

U.S. Taxpayers: "We hated the products so much, we bought the company!"

The Pontiac Aztek: Can we fire the guy who approved this???

Imagine this: You take your family out to the restaurant. The food was rancid, the service horrible and everything was overpriced. As you walk out of the restaurant, you turn to your spouse and say:

"Wow! That was horrific! Let's buy the place!"

As preposterous as that sounds, it seems that's exactly what we, the taxpayers, are doing with General Motors.

Yep, as GM heads into bankruptcy, it appears that when the fat lady sings, the U.S. government (that is, you and me) will own about 70 percent of the company, to the tune of some $70 billion.

I guess that's our punishment for buying Honda Accords and Toyota Camrys instead of those most excellent Chevy Corsicas and Pontiac Azteks.

When I was a kid, a guy name Victor Kiam owned the Remington shaver company. He appeared on the company's TV commercials, saying that he "...liked the shaver so much, he bought the company!"

Victor Kiam must be doing somersaults in his grave.

(Image: Edmunds.com)

Banks and Congress Get Together: "Heads, you lose. Tails, you lose."

Let me get this straight: When the credit card bill now snaking its way through Congress becomes law, the banks stand to see a lot of revenue go down the toilet. If they can't charge their most irresponsible customers high fees and interest rates, well then they'll just have to get that money out of the rest of us.

So, if you have a no annual fee card and pay your credit card bill on time and in-full every month, you're going to be punished. That includes possibly being charged interest on every purchase from the moment you buy it.

Imagine what this will do to commerce. Take me, for instance. I will cancel ALL but one of my credit cards, and use that one only when I have to. This means I am likely to do a lot less shopping on-line and purchase few (if any) airline tickets. Talk about a law of unintended consequences. The American consumer may be the backbone of the global economy, but methinks there is going to be a lot less consuming in the not-too-distant future.

(Potential winner here: Paypal. Buy eBay stock.)

But this is hardly surprising. In this economy, the irresponsible wankers get bailed out and the rest of us do the bailing:

• Chrysler and GM take billions from taxpayers. Ford does not. Chrysler and GM go bankrupt, allowing them to restructure their businesses, on the backs of the taxpayers, that give them competitive advantages over Ford. For doing what appears to be the right thing and trying to run its business responsibly, Ford is placed at a disadvantage.
• The banks give $500,000 mortgages to anyone who can fog a mirror. As a "thank you" for living within our means and paying our mortgages, the taxpayers bail out the banks and the guy who refinanced and took money out so he could buy that new Hummer.
• Wall Street backed these loans and AIG insured them. Because we were so smart and Wall Street is so stupid, we get to bail out Wall Street, while our 401Ks lose half their value.

All the while, members of Congress accept huge campaign donations from the banks while claiming to write laws that "protect us."

Maybe it's all for the best. When we end up in a cash-only (or a barter) economy, people will finally be forced to live within their means and that guy will have to sell his Hummer and move back in with his parents. Then, he'll be their problem instead of ours.

Why I'll Never Be A Captain Of Industry

It takes a special kind of... nut-job... to be CEO of a large corporation these days.

Two examples:

• Bank of America chairman and CEO Ken Lewis has to face the wrath of those annoying owners of the company - the shareholders - today at the annual meeting. He may be stripped of the chairman's title in a vote of  "no confidence."
  
  They should fire his ass outright. After all, he is the mastermind behind the purchase of Countrywide Mortgage (the king of sub-prime lending) and Merrill-Lynch (aka "Thain's Folly").
  
  BofA stock has lost almost 80 percent of its value in the past year, so there you go. As I have said many times in the past, I would be willing to destroy shareholder value for half of what Ken Lewis makes ($10 million in 2008, $25 million in 2007 and $28 million in 2006).

• Chrysler CEO Bob Nardelli is no stranger to shareholder wrath. In 2006, when he was CEO of Home Depot (this was after being told by Jack Welch that he was not up to the job of CEO of General Electric), he showed up at the now infamous annual meeting and basically told shareholders (again, a reminder: shareholders OWN the company) to go f*ck themselves. He refused to answer questions and cut off all discussion. Eventually, he was fired, but got a $210 million pat on the back for running Home Depot into the toilet.
  
  Of course, this is the United States, where no bad deed goes punished. Nardelli is now CEO of the privately held Chrysler and has done a pretty nice job of running it into a telephone pole.

I wouldn't hire either of these two clowns to weed my garden, let alone run a major corporation. Yet, there they are - sucking down taxpayer bailouts while they destroy shareholder value.

It takes a special kind of chutzpah to be CEO of a big, state-run company like BofA or Chrysler. Most of us have a gene that says it's wrong to pay yourself hundreds of millions of dollars while you lay off employees and suck on the taxpayer teat.

Clearly, these guys, and many other captains of industry, could use some gene therapy.

Chrysler Changes Name to "Facebook"

In a stunning turn of events as it seeks to stave off inevitable oblivion, Chrysler announced today that it is changing its name to "Facebook."

"We think the time is right to re-brand ourselves into something newer, hipper and more forward-looking," said Chrysler LLC CEO Robert Nardelli. "We've done an extensive analysis of the situation and our internal review jibes with what our very expensive branding firm out of New York tells us: that this Internet thing could really take off - and we want to get in on it. The kids seem to love computers and these handheld phones that you can take with you wherever you go, so we think we've got our finger on the pulse of the Gen-Xers, who are just now heading into their early 40s."

Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook, seemed somewhat bemused, but mostly supportive of Chrysler's actions.

"Well, it's a bit unorthodox, since, you know, Facebook already exists, but we have like a billion members and our total revenue last year was $149.63, so maybe these guys can figure out a way to make some money."

When asked by a reporter how this change would affect the 55,000 Chrysler employees, Nardelli displayed some of that old charm that made him so beloved as CEO of Home Depot a few years ago.

"Screw 'em," said Nardelli. "We can run this whole company with six guys from the IT department and the woman who waters the plants in my office three times a week. Everyone else can apply for stimulus money or go work at... Home Depot."

White House spokesman Duane Muller says the Obama administration approves.

"Anything we can do to scrape that big, fat smelly turd off of our shoes is OK by us," said Muller. "Chrysler can sell Internet porn for all we care. Just make it go away."

General Motors, also recently seen twitching on the floor in its final death throes, has sent signals that it too plans a radical makeover. A spokesman who asked to remain anonymous for fear of being mocked mercilessly by a reporter, indicated that GM was in the final stages of changing its name to either "Boyz II Men" or "Dawson's Creek."

When Will The Recession Hit Triathlon?

 

If anyone is looking for a segment of the economy that is still alive and well, they need look no further than the sport of triathlon.

As I get ready to commence my 20th year of racing in triathlons, I am comforted and dismayed by the fact that no race, no piece of bicycle equipment, no running shoe or wetsuit is too expensive for my fellow triathletes.

All the races I entered this year cost more than last. Shimano just introduced an electric shifting gear set that costs something like $5,000. Wheels and actual bicycle not included.

Personally, I plan to replace all my old-fashioned alloy wheel spokes with new ones made from the dried semen of the pygmy mouse lemur. Very rare, very... um... hard to come by...

Now if I could only figure out a way to get stimulus money to pay for that new pair of hydrogen-filled running shoes with the silk laces and diamond-encrusted reflectors, I too could help get this economy off the mat.

Paying My Taxes: When Do I Get My "Thank You" Note?

 
We (my wife and I) finally got around to preparing our income tax return over the weekend.

As previously stated on this blog, we are both self-employed, so we have the joy of writing 10 checks every year to the feds and my state taxing authorities. My thinking is that if everyone had to pay taxes the way we do, there would riots in the streets, with torches and pitch forks. Instead, most pay taxes through the diabolically ingenious and insidious withholding method.

I just want to know when I can expect a thank you note from the dickheads (yes, that includes you, boards of directors) at AIG, BofA, Chrysler, GM, Merrill-Lynch, Fannie Mae, etc., for helping them keep their fat, incompetent asses firmly ensconced in their seats in the executive dining and board rooms and on their corporate jets. I won't hold my breath.

Oh - the ultimate insult? As a former Lehman shareholder, I had to pay taxes on dividends from a company that (from an equity standpoint, anyway) no longer exists.

But hey! Enough wasting time reading blogs and get back to work! You still have a few more hours to put in before your tax debt to Citigroup is covered!

Haiku Friday - The Week of March 30, 2009

Well April Fool's came and went with nary a prank. As noted below, the Conficker worm is, thus far, a bust. The real April fools are the dimwit federal prosecutors who couldn't make a case against former Alaska senator Ted Stevens.

But I digress. Friday's are not about the screed. Friday's on this blog are dedicated to poetry, beauty and the power of positive thinking.

Obama fires Rick.
Now GM must sink or swim.
And Chrysler? See ya!

Barack in England.
Meets the queen, bails out the world.
But who will save us?

April Fools arrives,
Conficker worm still sleeping.
The world holds its breath.

Ted Stevens gets off.
Will he try for a comeback?
Build another bridge!

The G-20 meets.
France is a pain in the ass.
So is Germany.

Michelle hugs the Queen!
Scandal envelops Britain!
Pomposity lives.

Stock indexes up.
Is this recession over?
Who knows what to do?

This weekend, sit back, enjoy the Final Four and remember, if you are watching the games in a pub in the U.K. and her royal highness stumbles in for a pint:

DON'T F-ING TOUCH THE BLOODY F-ING QUEEN!

Obama to Detroit: "Get Lost!"

President Obama is kicking ass and taking names. In fact, he took the name right off GM CEO Rick Wagoner's office door.

This troubles me.

Why?

Not because I do not like our government making hiring and firing decisions for industry. (I don't.)

And not because I think Rick Wagoner is being made a sacrificial lamb at the altar of populist rage (he is, but don't feel too bad, since the price of lamb these days is somewhere north of $20 million.)

And not because our president is whacking the auto industry in the head while seemingly tickling the bank industry's ass with a feather (Tim Geithner has a firm grip on the plumage.)

No.

It troubles me because I am experiencing mild feelings of sympathy for GM and Chrysler.

I know, I know. They had it coming. They have been building the crappiest cars for the better part of the last four decades. And even if their cars are getting better, that is only a relatively recent phenomenon. Trust is quickly lost and not easily earned and Detroit has been violating its customers' trust for years. No wonder that the April 2009 annual auto issue of Consumer Reports ranks GM and Chrysler at the bottom of all automakers.

So it bothers me that I am feeling sorry for these companies. Because they deserve to die. They don't deserve another dime in taxpayer money and if the collapse of GM and Chrysler sends this country's economy into a deeper hole, well, I guess that's the price we collectively pay for buying garbage cars manufactured by incompetent executives and overpaid workers who are represented by unions that have politicians in their hip pockets.

Maybe next time we are the world's dominant player in some other industry (if there is a next time), we the people won't be enablers for mediocrity and dysfunction.

Did I mention how bad I feel about all this? I'm sure you could tell.