BillBakerBlog.com

Why I'll Never Be A Captain Of Industry

It takes a special kind of... nut-job... to be CEO of a large corporation these days.

Two examples:

• Bank of America chairman and CEO Ken Lewis has to face the wrath of those annoying owners of the company - the shareholders - today at the annual meeting. He may be stripped of the chairman's title in a vote of  "no confidence."
  
  They should fire his ass outright. After all, he is the mastermind behind the purchase of Countrywide Mortgage (the king of sub-prime lending) and Merrill-Lynch (aka "Thain's Folly").
  
  BofA stock has lost almost 80 percent of its value in the past year, so there you go. As I have said many times in the past, I would be willing to destroy shareholder value for half of what Ken Lewis makes ($10 million in 2008, $25 million in 2007 and $28 million in 2006).

• Chrysler CEO Bob Nardelli is no stranger to shareholder wrath. In 2006, when he was CEO of Home Depot (this was after being told by Jack Welch that he was not up to the job of CEO of General Electric), he showed up at the now infamous annual meeting and basically told shareholders (again, a reminder: shareholders OWN the company) to go f*ck themselves. He refused to answer questions and cut off all discussion. Eventually, he was fired, but got a $210 million pat on the back for running Home Depot into the toilet.
  
  Of course, this is the United States, where no bad deed goes punished. Nardelli is now CEO of the privately held Chrysler and has done a pretty nice job of running it into a telephone pole.

I wouldn't hire either of these two clowns to weed my garden, let alone run a major corporation. Yet, there they are - sucking down taxpayer bailouts while they destroy shareholder value.

It takes a special kind of chutzpah to be CEO of a big, state-run company like BofA or Chrysler. Most of us have a gene that says it's wrong to pay yourself hundreds of millions of dollars while you lay off employees and suck on the taxpayer teat.

Clearly, these guys, and many other captains of industry, could use some gene therapy.

Chrysler Changes Name to "Facebook"

In a stunning turn of events as it seeks to stave off inevitable oblivion, Chrysler announced today that it is changing its name to "Facebook."

"We think the time is right to re-brand ourselves into something newer, hipper and more forward-looking," said Chrysler LLC CEO Robert Nardelli. "We've done an extensive analysis of the situation and our internal review jibes with what our very expensive branding firm out of New York tells us: that this Internet thing could really take off - and we want to get in on it. The kids seem to love computers and these handheld phones that you can take with you wherever you go, so we think we've got our finger on the pulse of the Gen-Xers, who are just now heading into their early 40s."

Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook, seemed somewhat bemused, but mostly supportive of Chrysler's actions.

"Well, it's a bit unorthodox, since, you know, Facebook already exists, but we have like a billion members and our total revenue last year was $149.63, so maybe these guys can figure out a way to make some money."

When asked by a reporter how this change would affect the 55,000 Chrysler employees, Nardelli displayed some of that old charm that made him so beloved as CEO of Home Depot a few years ago.

"Screw 'em," said Nardelli. "We can run this whole company with six guys from the IT department and the woman who waters the plants in my office three times a week. Everyone else can apply for stimulus money or go work at... Home Depot."

White House spokesman Duane Muller says the Obama administration approves.

"Anything we can do to scrape that big, fat smelly turd off of our shoes is OK by us," said Muller. "Chrysler can sell Internet porn for all we care. Just make it go away."

General Motors, also recently seen twitching on the floor in its final death throes, has sent signals that it too plans a radical makeover. A spokesman who asked to remain anonymous for fear of being mocked mercilessly by a reporter, indicated that GM was in the final stages of changing its name to either "Boyz II Men" or "Dawson's Creek."

When Will The Recession Hit Triathlon?

 

If anyone is looking for a segment of the economy that is still alive and well, they need look no further than the sport of triathlon.

As I get ready to commence my 20th year of racing in triathlons, I am comforted and dismayed by the fact that no race, no piece of bicycle equipment, no running shoe or wetsuit is too expensive for my fellow triathletes.

All the races I entered this year cost more than last. Shimano just introduced an electric shifting gear set that costs something like $5,000. Wheels and actual bicycle not included.

Personally, I plan to replace all my old-fashioned alloy wheel spokes with new ones made from the dried semen of the pygmy mouse lemur. Very rare, very... um... hard to come by...

Now if I could only figure out a way to get stimulus money to pay for that new pair of hydrogen-filled running shoes with the silk laces and diamond-encrusted reflectors, I too could help get this economy off the mat.

Paying My Taxes: When Do I Get My "Thank You" Note?

 
We (my wife and I) finally got around to preparing our income tax return over the weekend.

As previously stated on this blog, we are both self-employed, so we have the joy of writing 10 checks every year to the feds and my state taxing authorities. My thinking is that if everyone had to pay taxes the way we do, there would riots in the streets, with torches and pitch forks. Instead, most pay taxes through the diabolically ingenious and insidious withholding method.

I just want to know when I can expect a thank you note from the dickheads (yes, that includes you, boards of directors) at AIG, BofA, Chrysler, GM, Merrill-Lynch, Fannie Mae, etc., for helping them keep their fat, incompetent asses firmly ensconced in their seats in the executive dining and board rooms and on their corporate jets. I won't hold my breath.

Oh - the ultimate insult? As a former Lehman shareholder, I had to pay taxes on dividends from a company that (from an equity standpoint, anyway) no longer exists.

But hey! Enough wasting time reading blogs and get back to work! You still have a few more hours to put in before your tax debt to Citigroup is covered!

Haiku Friday - The Week of March 30, 2009

Well April Fool's came and went with nary a prank. As noted below, the Conficker worm is, thus far, a bust. The real April fools are the dimwit federal prosecutors who couldn't make a case against former Alaska senator Ted Stevens.

But I digress. Friday's are not about the screed. Friday's on this blog are dedicated to poetry, beauty and the power of positive thinking.

Obama fires Rick.
Now GM must sink or swim.
And Chrysler? See ya!

Barack in England.
Meets the queen, bails out the world.
But who will save us?

April Fools arrives,
Conficker worm still sleeping.
The world holds its breath.

Ted Stevens gets off.
Will he try for a comeback?
Build another bridge!

The G-20 meets.
France is a pain in the ass.
So is Germany.

Michelle hugs the Queen!
Scandal envelops Britain!
Pomposity lives.

Stock indexes up.
Is this recession over?
Who knows what to do?

This weekend, sit back, enjoy the Final Four and remember, if you are watching the games in a pub in the U.K. and her royal highness stumbles in for a pint:

DON'T F-ING TOUCH THE BLOODY F-ING QUEEN!

Obama to Detroit: "Get Lost!"

President Obama is kicking ass and taking names. In fact, he took the name right off GM CEO Rick Wagoner's office door.

This troubles me.

Why?

Not because I do not like our government making hiring and firing decisions for industry. (I don't.)

And not because I think Rick Wagoner is being made a sacrificial lamb at the altar of populist rage (he is, but don't feel too bad, since the price of lamb these days is somewhere north of $20 million.)

And not because our president is whacking the auto industry in the head while seemingly tickling the bank industry's ass with a feather (Tim Geithner has a firm grip on the plumage.)

No.

It troubles me because I am experiencing mild feelings of sympathy for GM and Chrysler.

I know, I know. They had it coming. They have been building the crappiest cars for the better part of the last four decades. And even if their cars are getting better, that is only a relatively recent phenomenon. Trust is quickly lost and not easily earned and Detroit has been violating its customers' trust for years. No wonder that the April 2009 annual auto issue of Consumer Reports ranks GM and Chrysler at the bottom of all automakers.

So it bothers me that I am feeling sorry for these companies. Because they deserve to die. They don't deserve another dime in taxpayer money and if the collapse of GM and Chrysler sends this country's economy into a deeper hole, well, I guess that's the price we collectively pay for buying garbage cars manufactured by incompetent executives and overpaid workers who are represented by unions that have politicians in their hip pockets.

Maybe next time we are the world's dominant player in some other industry (if there is a next time), we the people won't be enablers for mediocrity and dysfunction.

Did I mention how bad I feel about all this? I'm sure you could tell.

Haiku Friday - The Week of March 23, 2009

 

Well, here we are just a few days away from April Fool's Day and I have a dream: We wake up next Wednesday morning, turn on CNN and President Obama says: "April Fool's! We would never bail out Wall Street and run budget deficits that your great, great, great, great, great grandchildren will be paying off by working at an iron ore mine on the planet Mars."

I have a dream.

Since we won't know until next week if this recession and all these bailouts are just some elaborate and silly practical joke, cooked up by those zanies at Treasury and the Fed while doing Jager shots with the prez over in the West Wing, we'll have to live with the careful, thoughtful and insightful analysis that can only come from the haiku form.

Obama giggles.
Steve Kroft asks him: "What the f*ck, dude?"
"Just gallows humor."

President says "Spend!"
Congress says "Whoa, there big guy!"
I smell a veto.

Hillary goes south.
Says we're to blame for the drugs
that Mexico sends.

The E.U. gets mad.
"Bambi taking us to hell."
Fine. No aid for you.

Geithner is our man!
"Buy lots of crap! That's my plan!"
Wall Street wins, we lose.

Do my eyes deceive?
Barack on TV again?
Dude - shut up and work.

Heading into the last weekend of March 2009, we can take comfort that markets are turning up and that, as we sit down to prepare our taxes, we at least will not have any capital gains tax for 2008 to fork over.

I Hear They Discovered Life on Neptune

I was traveling the past few days, attending the Open Source Business Conference, which is a... um... conference about the business of open source software.

It sort of sidetracked personal blogging activity a bit.

I am always surprised by how, when I attend these things, I become completely immersed in the goings-on, to the exclusion of the rest of the world. Meetings, conference sessions, drunken walks with business associates through The Streets of San Francisco after a late dinner of saki with a side order of sushi - all conspire to distract from what's happening outside the "trade show bubble."

So, yes, I missed President Obama's press conference. And I guess he got called out for being all giggly on 60 Minutes, and I sort of caught wind of the latest plan for Tim Geithner to bail out the Pacific Ocean, but I really don't know anything beyond the headlines.

Which, in a way, is sort of comforting. It is nice to attend a conference where smart people at great companies are talking about doing business, in spite of the constant Sturm und Drang that spills over us every minute through the media and on highly questionable blogs like this one.

There is some good news out here in the semi-real world. Companies are still doing stuff - making things, taking orders, delivering products, serving customers and cashing checks.

Sure, times are tough. But life goes on in (at least) some parts of the business world (like open source software).

Who knew?

Haiku Friday - The Week of March 16, 2009

Happy vernal equinox! By the time most of you read this, spring will have sprung. As mentioned in last week's edition of Haiku Friday, spring is always a time of renewal and hope. In fact, after reading my (allegedly) lengthy preamble to last week's post, my wife renewed her hopes that I would "...shut my pie-hole and just get down to the haikuin'!"

So, in deference to her and without further delay, I present forthwith, this week's news summary, as only a ninja-warrior poet such as myself is capable of doing.

Recovery here?
"It's coming," said the Fed chief.
"Any minute now."

"AIG!" you say?
"Big bonus abuse!" I say.
AIG say: "Tough!"

Geithner in trouble.
"You should have known about this!"
John Boehner is pissed!

The Fed buys T-bonds.
Three hundred bil should do it.
Markets rally big!

Uh oh. Never mind.
Yesterday's rally is gone.
Today, down we go.

Dodd prevaricates.
"No I didn't. Yes, I did."
Dude, time to resign.

Congress decides to
tax AIG's greedy thugs.
Now, get rid of Dodd.

There it is, then. The three-ring circus that these days substitutes for honest capitalism, responsible government, and thoughtful political discourse - boiled down to the very kernel of its essence. And if you ever worry that I'll run out of ideas, fear not. As long as there is oxygen in Washington D.C., there will likely be plenty of fodder for Haiku Friday.

Senator Dodd: Resign from the banking committee - now!

                                             Image: www.britannica.com

Speechless. That's right - I'm speechless.

Luckily, I can still type.

First, on behalf of the entire State of Connecticut, allow me to apologize to the nation for inflicting Senator Dodd on our banking system.

Senator Chris Dodd once again has hired the services of Washington's finest podiatrists and dentists to help him extract his foot from his constantly running mouth.

It seems that wherever one turns in the financial crisis, there's Senator Dodd doing something that would hardly seem in the best interest of the American people.

You already know that he was a buddy of the CEO of Countrywide Mortgage, which was the leader in writing bad loans. Senator Dodd was on a V.I.P. list that entitled him to sweet financing deals not available to everyone. How nice for the chairman of the committee that oversaw Countrywide.

Today we learn that Senator Dodd was instrumental in inserting language in the recently passed stimulus bill that made the AIG bonuses possible. But before he was caught out, he denied having done so.

And remember, Senator Dodd has cashed a few AIG checks in his day.

WHY IS THIS MAN THE HEAD OF THE SENATE BANKING COMMITTEE?

People are outraged that the same executives at AIG who brought down the company and contributed to bringing down the global financial system are now receiving bonuses. Never mind them. At the end of the day, they are supposed to be greedy. It's who they are. It's what they do.

But, I ask again: Why is a senator whose role it is to legislate the banking system seemingly doing everything in his power to enable these financial institutions to steal from the taxpayers?

And, is there anything more annoying than Senator Dodd going on TV and feigning outrage over the bonuses when HE HELPED MAKE THEM HAPPEN???

If you want to get mad, forget the AIG executives and start looking at the weasels who are guarding the the hen house.

No wonder there is a new slaughter every day.

Feel free to e-mail or call (202) 224-2823 - Senator Dodd and tell him what you think of his oversight abilities. And while your at it, ask him to resign from the banking committee.

Senator Grassley, you crazy old coot - Are you peeking at my blog?

Image: Saturday Night Live

A couple of weeks ago, the title of one my blog posts used Japanese ritual suicide as a metaphor to ask if anyone - ANYONE - has taken responsibility for the financial mess.

Today, Senator Chuck Grassley took it a few steps further and actually recommended suicide.

In truth, we were making the same point, though I did so much more elegantly, if I do say so. But I'm just some loudmouth blogger. He is a U.S. senator. Glad to see Congress continues to give as much thought to solving the financial crisis as it did to creating the legislative environment that created it.

And why is a senator wasting time reading this blog???

Social Security: "Surely, you jest."

I received my annual Social Security statement in the mail yesterday.

Looks like the Obama administration is putting that stimulus money to good use. The new statements use audio, like those Hallmark birthday cards that play Freebird and Jungle Boogie when you open them.

If you are under age 55 and you open your new statement, it giggles at you and then slowly builds into a crescendo of hysterical, maniacal laughter. Then smoke starts coming out of it and it disintegrates, like the tape recorder in the opening scenes of the old Mission: Impossible TV series.

Must be expensive, but it makes the point.

Senator Chris Dodd: Do as I say, not as I do!

Our senior senator from Connecticut, Chris Dodd, is rip roarin' mad about this whole AIG bonus hub-bub. So mad, in fact, he suggesting a tax to recoup the bonuses.

One wonders, however, if he is mad enough to never take another dime from AIG. According to OpenSecrets.org, Senator Dodd's political action committee took $223,478 from AIG during the last election cycle.

As I have said before, Senator Dodd can take money from AIG or he can be chairman of the committee that oversees AIG, but when he does both, he loses all moral authority to say anything about this.

Maybe he should enact a tax on the money he took from AIG. Seems only fair.

Full disclosure: I've voted for Senator Dodd in every election he's run in. I am seriously rethinking doing so again when he runs for a sixth term in 2010. This banking crisis is shameful. I have no ability to punish the executives of AIG or the regulators at the SEC, but the chairman of the Senate Banking Committee works for me. And I am not happy with the job he has done.

These times call for serious people to deal with the trillions in dollars that we taxpayers are being asked to pony up. There is no place for bloviating politicians who talk out of both sides of their mouth.

Make up your mind, Senator Dodd: Whose side are you on?

Cheney: "Blame it on the Bossa Nova"

 

In a stunning display of candor during a Sunday interview on CNN, former vice president Dick Cheney helpfully identified where to lay blame for the worldwide economic crisis.

His list includes:

1. President Barack Obama
2. President Bill Clinton
3. New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd
4. The National Organization for Women
5. President Jimmy Carter
6. President Lyndon Johnson
7. President John F. Kennedy
8. President Josiah Bartlet
9. Weatherman William Ayers
10. The entire continent of Africa
11. "That guy I shot in the face a few years ago."
12. Colin Powell
13. Sarah Palin
14. The U.S. Congress
15. President Harry Truman
16. President Franklin Roosevelt
17. President Woodrow Wilson
18. Humpback whales
19. Saddam Hussein
20. "That new judge-chick on American Idol. Don't like her one bit."
21. Jimmy Hoffa
22. John McCain
23. Cindy Brady
24. Vladimir Putin
25. Poppa Smurf

Who is NOT to blame according to Mr. Cheney?

1. Dick Cheney

When asked by CNN interviewer John King if his blame list wasn't just "...a list of every Democratic and fictional president of the last 100 years, plus a few people who you just don't like...", the former veep replied "bite me", got up and left.

AIG: You can't make this stuff up

AIG = "A-holes In Greed"

I'm all for honoring contracts, but I always thought that performance bonuses were based on... you know... PERFORMANCE! More specifically GOOD performance. If a company loses $60 billion in a single quarter, how is that bonus-worthy?

I guess the same person who signed off on all those bad credit default swap contracts also signed off on these employee bonus contracts.

Seriously - if this stuff was not actually happening, we would laugh at any writer who tried to put it into a book or movie. It's just too outlandish to be believable.