Google chairman Eric Schmidt appeared before a Senate committee today, ostensibly to answer for how big Google has become.
As part of my occasional yet on-going "Fantasy Congressional Testimony" series, I bring you this transcript:
Senator Windbag: State your name and title for the record.
Eric Schmidt: Eric Schmidt, chairman of Google.
Senator Windbag: "Schmidt", huh? Sounds foreign. Were you born here? I fought against the Kaiser in World War I, you know.
Schmidt: Yes, senator. In fact, I was born right here in Washington D.C. You could have easily Googled that.
Senator Blowhole: Don't get cute with us, sonny. Not all of us are convinced that this Internet thing is real. Now, let me ask you this:
These Google things you are running seem really big. Can you answer me this, just so my constituents understand: How many jelly beans fit into the Google? Is it more than a thousand? A million? If it is a million, that's really, REALLY big, wouldn't you say?
Schmidt: Um... huh?
Senator Blowhole: Admit it. These Googles you are selling are like the bedbug infestation in New York City. There are thousands of them.
Senator Pinhead: WTF dude?! Why do you have to hate on New York City? We didn't invent Google!
Senator Blowhole: What does "WTF" mean?
Schmidt: You could Google it.
Senator Windbag: I don't think we have an Internet in the Senate building. Can you fax me a copy and we'll add it to your testimony?
Schmidt: Are we through here?
Senator Asshat: My granddaughter asked me if her class could 'twitter' questions to this committee for us to ask during this hearing. Does anyone have any idea WTF she is talking about?
Schmidt: Twitter? Never heard of it.
Senator Windbag: Excellent! I think we've made some real progress here. One last thing, Mr. Schmidt: Have you ever met that kid from "The Social Network" movie? My granddaughter thinks he is a dreamboat.
Schmidt: I'm adjourned.