BillBakerBlog.com

Latest Tiger Woods scorecard

 

Sarah Palin Burns Her Own Book: "Just kickin' it rogue-style!"

Sarah Palin accidentally burned 10,000 copies of her own book at an "I'm a Real American" book burning bash in Kentwood, Michigan.

The book burning party took place at the beginning of Palin's promotional tour for her new book "Going Rogue".

"I thought it would be, ya know, fun to burn a few of those non-American books at the beginning of my book tour, just to show people that, in America, you have the right to, ya know, burn sh*t that you don't like the way we do in Wasilla," said Palin. "So we picked out copies of things like The Audacity of Hope, Tom Sawyer and the Old Testament and we planned a little bonfire. Somehow, a bunch of my books got thrown in the pile."

Palin remarked that the incident made her seriously consider her position on free speech:

"I now realize that you to have to pay your advance and PR people more than minimum wage if you want the job done right," said Palin. "But don't think for a second that I am in favor of raising the minimum wage because we don't go for that kind of back-assward crap in Wasilla."

A spokesman for Palin's publisher could not be reached for comment, as he was busy celebrating the downward spiral in American reading habits by lighting cigars with $100 bills.

Fox News Say NYC Marathon Winner "Is Not Actually an American!"

Image: New York Road Runners

In an unprecedented show of patriotism, the Fox News Channel has declared that the winner of the New York City Marathon - Meb Keflezighi - was not actually born in the United States, so he is therefore not really the first U.S. winner of the race since 1982.

According to Fox commentator Glenn Beck, "He was born in Africa, he's got a funny name and he's much darker than all previous winners from the U.S. There is simply no way this guy counts as a U.S. winner."

Beck also questioned Keflezighi's religious affiliation: "Yes, I saw him cross himself several times at the finish, but do we really want a Muslim running things... like marathons?"

In a guest appearance on Beck's show, radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh added that "I don't care that he faced a tough life, worked hard and beat all the other contenders to win the race. He doesn't does seem like he should be the winner. Therefore, I am going to do everything in my power to see to it that he fails."

Keflezighi, who was born in Eritrea but became a U.S. citizen in 1998, is the first U.S. winner of the New York City Marathon since Alberto Salazar won in 1982.

Said Beck: "'Salazar?' What kind of name is that? Cuban? Was he really an American? Communist? I think we should do an investigation into him as well."

In the mean time, Fox News is taking the official position that Ryan Hall, who finished fourth overall, is the winner because "He sure looks and sounds like one of us."

---

[Writer's note: I have received numerous comments by email and on Facebook from people who were outraged by this. So I thought I should clarify: I made this up in an attempt to humorously to illustrate a point about the low-level of political discourse that occurs on cable these days.

I'm not sure if it was too subtle or if, sad to say, it is entirely within the realm of possibility that Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh would actually say such things.

I make no apologies to those two blowhards, but I certainly apologize to people who were confused by this.]

Sarah Palin Resignation Accelerates Global Warming

Climatologists have determined that Alaska governor Sara Palin's abrupt decision to quit her job has drastically increased the pace of global warming.

"Whenever humans speak, they exhale carbon dioxide, which is the leading cause of global warming," said Nathan Gormley, chief scientist at the National Oceanic Atmospheric Administration. "Mrs. Palin's rambling, incoherent resignation speech and then her subsequent interviews produced enough CO2 to affect, ironically, caribou migration patterns in Alaska. Then you add in all the pundits, Meet the Press and radio talk show hosts and you have the perfect storm for worldwide famine and population dislocation. Rush Limbaugh's bloviating alone will likely kill about two million people on the Asian sub-continent."

At the recent G8 summit, emerging nations including China and India said, in effect, if the U.S. can't get her to shut the f*ck up, then they see no reason to curtail the construction of coal-fired power plants at the current rate of two new plants every six minutes.

"God forbid she gets her own talk show," said Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh. "We'll be spending winter vacations on the beach in Moscow."

Sarah Palin, when reached for comment, went on a 45 minute discourse on "real Americans" and "the evils of a free press." Several hours later, an entire pod of humpback whales beached themselves near Whidbey Bay, Alaska.

"Cash-for-Clunkers": Congress Screws the Pooch, Again

My wife's 1996 Saab may be in the process of shuffling off its mortal coil. So we're talking (JUST talking) about what her next car might be.

Wouldn't you know - Congress recently passed the "Cash-for-Clunkers"  legislation that allows people to trade in their old cars and receive up to $4,500 from the feds.

Problem is, the program is so riddled with caveats and qualifications as to which cars can be traded-in and which qualify for the rebate that it's almost impossible for any normal car owner to get in on the action.

In fact, I ran an analysis and it appears that the ONLY people who can get the rebate are owners of a 1988 Chevrolet Caprice Classic who are planning on buying a Honda Civic Hybrid. This means that, based on the most recent motor vehicle registrations, Orville Simpkins of Elk Horn, Iowa, is the only person in the country who will actually qualify for the rebate.

"We only buy a car every 20 years or so, so I guess our timing is pretty good," said Simpkins, owner of the local Suds & Duds Laundrette. "Normally, we only buy Chevys, but I hear that GM went out of business, so we're going to buy one of those little Japanese models I read about. If Congress wants to kick in a few thousand, well, so much the better."

When asked what Congress would do with the leftover $999,995,500 in the program, a staffer for the House Appropriations Committee said "road trip."

Congress: "We Took Care of Bank Oversight. Now - Text Messaging!"

Let me get this straight: In the midst of economic ruin, Congress is taking time to hold hearings on... text messaging???

Yep. Rather than tell people to, oh, I don't know - STOP TEXTING - Congress hauls the wireless carriers into hearings and asks them why they are making so much money on text messages.

In the spirit of my occasional "Fantasy Congressional Testimony" series, I've imagined how the hearings would go if I worked for Verizon Wireless and was called before Congress:

Senator Dipshit: "Mr. Baker - can you explain to this committee why your company is making so much money on text messages?"

Me: "Because people want to text, so we are more than willing to sell them the ability to do so. Were you out the day they taught capitalism in the second grade, senator?"

Senator Asshat: "But Mr. Baker - those text messages only cost your company about 1/10 of a cent to carry, yet you are charging some customers up to 20 cents. How can you justify this?"

Me: "Well, senator, I'm glad you asked. You see, we have a nationwide team of assassins who go out and threaten to kill our customers unless they send banal, useless messages to each other about what kind of coffee they are having or how Cindy slept with Timmy last night after the football game. Our customers are so scared of being murdered by us, that they just keep texting away. You might say that we have a gun to their head."

Senator Dickfor: "Really?"

Me: "No, you moron. Believe it or not, people do not have to text at all. We've survived all but the last three years of human history without text messaging, but somehow you are treating it as if we were jacking up the prices on penicillin or oxygen. For the love of Mike, can you go 10 seconds without giving in to every sniveling, illiterate constituent of yours whose daughter racked up $900 in text charges last month and rather than pay it, they go running to you and ask that hearings be held? What the f*ck are we doing here???"

I have been told that, for some reason, I would have a tough time running for any sort of public office. I can't imagine why.

Chrysler Changes Name to "Facebook"

In a stunning turn of events as it seeks to stave off inevitable oblivion, Chrysler announced today that it is changing its name to "Facebook."

"We think the time is right to re-brand ourselves into something newer, hipper and more forward-looking," said Chrysler LLC CEO Robert Nardelli. "We've done an extensive analysis of the situation and our internal review jibes with what our very expensive branding firm out of New York tells us: that this Internet thing could really take off - and we want to get in on it. The kids seem to love computers and these handheld phones that you can take with you wherever you go, so we think we've got our finger on the pulse of the Gen-Xers, who are just now heading into their early 40s."

Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook, seemed somewhat bemused, but mostly supportive of Chrysler's actions.

"Well, it's a bit unorthodox, since, you know, Facebook already exists, but we have like a billion members and our total revenue last year was $149.63, so maybe these guys can figure out a way to make some money."

When asked by a reporter how this change would affect the 55,000 Chrysler employees, Nardelli displayed some of that old charm that made him so beloved as CEO of Home Depot a few years ago.

"Screw 'em," said Nardelli. "We can run this whole company with six guys from the IT department and the woman who waters the plants in my office three times a week. Everyone else can apply for stimulus money or go work at... Home Depot."

White House spokesman Duane Muller says the Obama administration approves.

"Anything we can do to scrape that big, fat smelly turd off of our shoes is OK by us," said Muller. "Chrysler can sell Internet porn for all we care. Just make it go away."

General Motors, also recently seen twitching on the floor in its final death throes, has sent signals that it too plans a radical makeover. A spokesman who asked to remain anonymous for fear of being mocked mercilessly by a reporter, indicated that GM was in the final stages of changing its name to either "Boyz II Men" or "Dawson's Creek."

Question for a Recession: How Much Is Michael Jackson's Dirty Bathrobe Worth?

Image: dvice.com

We're about to find out.

Next week, there will be an auction of the flotsam and jetsam of the fallen King of Pop's professional and personal life.

Items up for sale:

• Michael Jackson toe jam (from the Victory tour, complete with certificate of authenticity)
• Bubbles the Chimp's "My First Year" baby book
• A small vial containing Emmanuel Lewis's  eyelash trimmings (don't ask)
• Tito Jackson (yes, the actual person)
• A sampler gift set of droppings from the Neverland Petting Zoo
• Used surgical masks
• A tube of mascara and a can of Aqua Net hair spray left by Liz Taylor during a 1985 sleepover
• The Elephant Man's dentist's right femur
• A pallet of unused Dippity-Do (to maintain your Jheri-curl)
• Brooke Shields' I.U.D. (still in wrapper)

The estimated price of these and all the other items up for sale at the auction is $87.42. Anything less than that indicates that this recession will last six more weeks, according to leading economists.

Cheney: "Blame it on the Bossa Nova"

 

In a stunning display of candor during a Sunday interview on CNN, former vice president Dick Cheney helpfully identified where to lay blame for the worldwide economic crisis.

His list includes:

1. President Barack Obama
2. President Bill Clinton
3. New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd
4. The National Organization for Women
5. President Jimmy Carter
6. President Lyndon Johnson
7. President John F. Kennedy
8. President Josiah Bartlet
9. Weatherman William Ayers
10. The entire continent of Africa
11. "That guy I shot in the face a few years ago."
12. Colin Powell
13. Sarah Palin
14. The U.S. Congress
15. President Harry Truman
16. President Franklin Roosevelt
17. President Woodrow Wilson
18. Humpback whales
19. Saddam Hussein
20. "That new judge-chick on American Idol. Don't like her one bit."
21. Jimmy Hoffa
22. John McCain
23. Cindy Brady
24. Vladimir Putin
25. Poppa Smurf

Who is NOT to blame according to Mr. Cheney?

1. Dick Cheney

When asked by CNN interviewer John King if his blame list wasn't just "...a list of every Democratic and fictional president of the last 100 years, plus a few people who you just don't like...", the former veep replied "bite me", got up and left.

Satellites Crash, Facebook Blamed

Image: European Space Agency

A U.S. and a Russian satellite crashed in orbit on Tuesday.

The driver of the Russian satellite has admitted that he was updating his Facebook page and texting his girlfriend and took his eyes off the solar system.

The United States is expected to file a formal complaint at the United Nations by week's end.

"Peanut Butter Jelly Time" Recalled

In a move to reassure American consumers in the ever-widening peanut butter scare, the Food and Drug Administration has recalled the 2001 Internet sensation video Peanut Butter Jelly Time.

"We're just trying to cover all the bases," said an FDA official who wished to remain anonymous because it makes the FDA look like such incredible wankers. "We don't think little pieces of salmonella can sneak through the World Wide Web, but we've heard about viruses spreading on the Internet, so better safe than sorry."

President Obama has already apologized for the time-wasting and highly irritating video, saying that it happened during the Bush administration, but if he had only been born 10 years earlier, he would have been able to run against Bush "...instead of that tomato-can Al Gore."

It was unclear at press time what an Obama administration would have done differently to stop the spread of viral videos, but one White House spokesman said that "you can bet we would have loaded that fat Star Wars kid onto a private jet and sent him off to Latvia for interrogation."

Stimulus Package To Contain NO Taxes - For Anyone

In a stunning turn of events, Congress passed a stimulus bill overnight that calls for almost no one in America to pay any taxes of any kind - ever.

It all started when Representative Doug Conkleman (D-South Dakota), slipped a last-minute earmark into the bill at about 2:45 AM this morning. The earmark exempted all members of Congress, the executive branch and all government employees from paying any taxes of any kind.

"I figured it was the right thing to do to keep us moving forward," said a bleary-eyed Conkleman over a Grand-Slam breakfast at the new Denny's that formerly housed the Hirshhorn Museum on Independence Avenue. "It seems that there has been a lot of distraction recently with some former members of Congress not paying taxes and I thought it would be best for our nation's recovery if we just took that issue off the table."

When the earmark was discovered, other members of the budget writing committee took to it immediately and added exemptions from taxes for anyone employed by the Federal Government.

"By 5:00 am, the party really got rolling," said a congressional aid who did not want to be identified because he was still buzzing from a Ritalin bender. "We just started exempting everyone in the country from paying taxes of any kind. It seemed like the best way to put money back in people's pockets and get this economy back in gear."

When asked how the $900 billion stimulus package would be paid for, Congressional Budget Office liaison Melvin Tanner said that Grover and Dottie Fitzsimmons, a couple in Shanksboro, Nebraska, who own their own pest extermination business, would be the only people in America who would still have to pay taxes under this bill.

"Well, when we heard that we were going to have to foot the entire bill for bailing out America, we were a little concerned and immediately contacted our congressman," said Grover Fitzsimmons. "When we finally got hold of him at about 7:00 this morning, we could barely hear him over the party going on in the background. He told us there was nothing more he could do and to just think of it as our patriotic duty."

Mrs. Fitzsimmons had a philosophical attitude toward their situation: "Well, I guess in good times and in bad, people still gotta get rid of cockroaches and other varmints, so we're happy to pitch in."

When asked by a reporter how Congress intended to close the $899,999,964,591.68 deficit in the stimulus bill, CBO liaison Tanner looked east, toward China.

"We're going to sell China about a zillion dollars worth of lead-soaked Cabbage Patch Dolls and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles left over from the 80s," said Tanner. "Also, we got lots of recalled peanut butter crackers that I am sure would go over big in Chinese lunchboxes."

President Obama could not be reached for comment because he was too busy apologizing to Al Roker for something on "The Today Show."

I love my country...

...but really dislike my government.

I was watching highlights (lowlights) of Assistant Treasury Secretary Neel Kashkari's testimony before a congressional committee yesterday.

In a nutshell (emphasis on "nut"), the blowhards in Congress were excoriating him because the $700 billion bailout fund that was passed SIX WHOLE WEEKS AGO has not yet turned around the economy and produced an economic miracle in time for Christmas.

Here's why I can never testify before Congress. If it were me instead of Mr. Kashkari, this is how it might have gone:

Congressman Loudmouth: Mr. Baker - The TARP program clearly isn't working. The economy is still in the tank. What gives?

Assistant Treasury Secretary Baker: Congressman. I am sorry that after six weeks that every American can not afford a new McMansion and a Lexus, but these things take time.

Congresswoman Whiner: You mean to tell me that we might have to wait until AFTER the holidays before I can tell my constituents to go out and buy that new flat screen TV and a front-loading washing machine?

Baker: Yes, Congresswoman. In fact, this country has been spending itself into a hole like we were on meth for the past eight years. We're leveraged to our eyes and most of that money is owed to six guys in Beijing who plan to turn the Lincoln Memorial into luxury hotel and spa when we can't pay off our debts in a few years. Now I realize that I have three Ph.Ds in economics and you have a valid drivers license and a pass to the House cafeteria, but by my reckoning, it might take more than six weeks to undo eight years of economic malfeasance.

Congressman Jerkweed: Mr. Baker, I can not go back home for our six week holiday vacation and tell my constituents who are worried about their jobs that they might not be employed in 2009, when I get something like four months of vacation a year and put in a five hour work day, three days a week here in Washington.

Baker: Well, Congressman, I can appreciate your dilemma. You've never seen a problem that you couldn't solve by throwing massive amounts of your constituents' hard-earned money at it and then telling them that you have actually done something to help them. Might I suggest you pull your head out of your ass, get some fresh air going to your brain and actually think about what you are doing and saying before you whip the whole country into such an uproar that they come to your house with pitchforks and torches.

You get the idea.

Far be it from me to defend any branch of the government (in this case, President Bush's Treasury Department), but if we are going to do something, at least give it more than five minutes to work.

Plus, if we could all find it in our hearts, during this time of peace and joy, to be patient, we can blame it all on President Obama in five weeks or so.