In a stunning turn of events, Congress passed a stimulus bill overnight that calls for almost no one in America to pay any taxes of any kind - ever.
It all started when Representative Doug Conkleman (D-South Dakota), slipped a last-minute earmark into the bill at about 2:45 AM this morning. The earmark exempted all members of Congress, the executive branch and all government employees from paying any taxes of any kind.
"I figured it was the right thing to do to keep us moving forward," said a bleary-eyed Conkleman over a Grand-Slam breakfast at the new Denny's that formerly housed the Hirshhorn Museum on Independence Avenue. "It seems that there has been a lot of distraction recently with some former members of Congress not paying taxes and I thought it would be best for our nation's recovery if we just took that issue off the table."
When the earmark was discovered, other members of the budget writing committee took to it immediately and added exemptions from taxes for anyone employed by the Federal Government.
"By 5:00 am, the party really got rolling," said a congressional aid who did not want to be identified because he was still buzzing from a Ritalin bender. "We just started exempting everyone in the country from paying taxes of any kind. It seemed like the best way to put money back in people's pockets and get this economy back in gear."
When asked how the $900 billion stimulus package would be paid for, Congressional Budget Office liaison Melvin Tanner said that Grover and Dottie Fitzsimmons, a couple in Shanksboro, Nebraska, who own their own pest extermination business, would be the only people in America who would still have to pay taxes under this bill.
"Well, when we heard that we were going to have to foot the entire bill for bailing out America, we were a little concerned and immediately contacted our congressman," said Grover Fitzsimmons. "When we finally got hold of him at about 7:00 this morning, we could barely hear him over the party going on in the background. He told us there was nothing more he could do and to just think of it as our patriotic duty."
Mrs. Fitzsimmons had a philosophical attitude toward their situation: "Well, I guess in good times and in bad, people still gotta get rid of cockroaches and other varmints, so we're happy to pitch in."
When asked by a reporter how Congress intended to close the $899,999,964,591.68 deficit in the stimulus bill, CBO liaison Tanner looked east, toward China.
"We're going to sell China about a zillion dollars worth of lead-soaked Cabbage Patch Dolls and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles left over from the 80s," said Tanner. "Also, we got lots of recalled peanut butter crackers that I am sure would go over big in Chinese lunchboxes."
President Obama could not be reached for comment because he was too busy apologizing to Al Roker for something on "The Today Show."