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Haiku Friday - The Week of November 2, 2009

The Halloween candy is gone (except for the crappy Good 'n Plenty), baseball season is just finished, another election day has come and gone.

So, what do we do now? Relax and enjoy the quiet of November?

Of course not. Because trick-or-treating marks the traditional start to the holiday shopping season. Yes, nothing says Christmas like kids in Freddy Krueger masks carrying around the hollowed-out heads of dead pumpkins, filled with sugary goodness.

Don't believe me? Check the TV commercials and the web. The retailers, who are in full-blown panic mode about this year's holiday shopping season, started running Christmas commercials BEFORE Halloween. That's right: We were watching Santa Claus during baseball season.

So as not to perpetuate this crass exploitation of the holidays, we are committed to posting no holiday-themed haikus until after Thanksgiving. And maybe not even then.

Ford makes a profit!
People are buying their cars.
Chrysler? Not so much...

It's election day!
I bet you forgot to vote.
(You did, didn't you?)

The Yanks win! Again.
Twenty seven World Series.
Boston does slow burn...

Fiorina runs.
Remember: She ran HP...
... into the toilet.

Unemployment up.
Recession over? Not yet.
Any Santa jobs?

That's the week that was. For those of you who have been inexplicably an hour early for everything this past week, don't forget to set your clocks back one hour on Saturday night.

Haiku Friday - The Week of October 26, 2009

Once again, my oh-so-supportive wife has reminded me that my preambles to Haiku Friday are getting out of hand. She says that once - just ONCE - I should shut my mouth and let Haiku Harry have his day in the sun, without going off on this tangent or that jag.

While I STRENUOUSLY disagree with her, I'll concede the point, at least for this week.

So, without further delay or the benefit of an enlightened, thoughtful and funny introduction, here is this week's news, lamely encapsulated by some third-rate, Kyoto University poetry major drop-out.

Want a swine flu shot?
Get in line and no whining.
And don't breathe on me!

Pilots? You're fired!
No Facebooking while flying!
Back of the plane, please.

It's World Series time!
Yanks go for 27.
New York LOVES A-Rod!

Yankees drop Game 1.
A-Rod ends up 0-for-4.
New York HATES A-Rod!

GDP is up!
The recession is over!
Now shop 'til you drop!

Yankees win Game 2!
Pedro says "I hate this team."
A-Rod? 0-for-8.

Now that the recession is officially over, please reconsider your plans for giving paperclips instead of Butterfingers to the trick-or-treaters this weekend.

Haiku Friday - The Week of October 19, 2009

As the trees continued shedding their leaves, this week saw another one of those seminal events in our lives. One of those "I remember exactly where I was when it happened" moments. Just like that night almost a year ago, when Barack Obama won the election, this day too shall be spoken of and passed down from generation to generation.

Of course, I am speaking of the launch of a new operating system from Microsoft.

For those of you with, you know... lives, the launch of Windows 7 may have slipped by you. Don't sweat it. You didn't miss much. Sure, Windows 7 is being heralded (by Microsoft) as the best Microsoft operating system since Windows XP, but the truth is, the boys in Redmond are clinging to old computing paradigms like grim death.

Don't take my word for it. Read the excellent account of Microsoft's slow fade-to-black by Ashlee Vance in this past Sunday's New York Times.

Unfortunately for all of us, Haiku Harry did not get the memo that nobody gives a rat's ass about the last few farts from a dying dinosaur like Microsoft. Harry got caught up in the awesome power of Microsoft's mighty marketing machine and spent the week camping out in front of his local Best Buy, so he could be first in line to buy a copy of Windows 7. He set up camp on Sunday night. On Thursday morning, he was still the only person in line. Cold, dejected and humiliated, he quietly went home without buying anything.

As such, he missed a whole week of news and is basically phoning in (with an iPhone) this week's abbreviated Haiku Friday.

Balloon Boy a SHAM!
The media is ashamed!!
Stay tuned for details!!!

Bankers' pay is capped.
Wall Street: "But we'll lose the best!"
Taxpayers: "Bye-bye!"

New Windows arrives.
Ballmer says: "It's the best yet."
Google is NOT scared.

Fear not. Harry has learned his lesson and will go back to camping out ONLY for important events, like U2 tickets and any product release from Apple.

Haiku Friday - The Week of October 12, 2009

 

"Autumn is my favorite time of year."

I couldn't agree more because who doesn't love their gutters being turned into gooey compost heaps that clog up and then freeze until April? And what's not to like about the impending six months of darkness, frostbite and herniated discs as a result of slipping and falling on your buddy's driveway because he is too cheap to use the good salt and tried kitty litter instead.

"Oh, don't be such a Negative Nancy."

You're right. Sorry. I forget how wonderful it is to sit through the late-October ritualistic doorbell ringing every 30 seconds so the neighbors don't have to buy their kids dessert for the next three months. And what a joy it is to have dinner with my Boston-based friends and listen to them rehash all 162 games and if only Terry Francona had taken Buccholz out one pitch earlier in game 58, the Red Sox would be in the World Series right now.

With all this autumnal wonderfulness happening around us, it's easy to lose track of what happened in the world, so let's review the week just passed, haiku style.

Senate finance votes.
Health care reform is at hand!
Lobbyists will pounce...

Time to celebrate!
The recession is over!
Now, go get a job!

Dow hits 10,000!
Wall Street eyes big bonuses!
You? GO GET A JOB!

Ruh roh. Citi tanks!
All those pesky unemployed
can not pay their bills.

Obama town hall.
GOP says "Not enough!"
Go yell at George Bush!

BALLOON BOY FEARED DEAD!
CNN IS ON THE SCENE!!!
Um, wait. Nevermind.

If you live north of the Mason-Dixon line, don't forget to get the storm windows and the snow tires installed and break out the mittens this weekend. It's just a matter of time before you are thinking longingly about sticking to the leather car seats last August.

Haiku Friday - The Week of October 5, 2009

Something occurred to me this week: This is my first pandemic. I'm 45 years old and I've never lived through a pandemic. I've seen five Republican presidents and four Democrats, and this is my very first, bona fide pandemic. And wouldn't you know - it's happening right in the midst of the most intense health care debate in nearly two decades.

I blame Obama. That's just how it is. That's how we Americans keep score. If it happens during your presidency, you own it:

• Vietnam: Johnson (then Nixon)
• Inflation: Ford
• Oil crisis and the Iranian Revolution: Carter
• Iran Contra: Reagan
• Saddam Hussein: Bush the 1st
• World Trade Center bombing #1: Clinton
• 9/11, Iraq War, Afghanistan War, record deficits, housing bubble, torture, The Great Recession, Dick Cheney: Bush the 2nd
• Swine Flu: Obama

"Unfair," you say?

"Too bad," I respond. That's what passes for political discourse in this country these days, so I'm just piling on. And what better way to fan the flames of ignorance than with a few well chosen syllables of Japanese poetry. After all, who has time for thoughtful reflection? Not us!

Flu vaccines arrive.
Everyone wants to get one.
Women and kids first.

Health care reform? Hah!
Lots of talking, not much else.
Finally, a vote.

Polanski: Rapist.
The Swiss are not too impressed.
"No bail for you, jerk."

The Supremes are back.
First Amendment leads the way.
Michael Vick looks on.

Barry wins Peace Prize,
while still fighting Bush's wars.
(He should nuke Iran.)

Yes, the sheer volume and gravity of the news can be overwhelming. But look on the bright side: Only 76 shopping days until Christmas.

Haiku Friday - The Week of September 28, 2009

Remember in June, when the summer (and President Obama) was young and fresh and the president was going to have health care reform done by July 4?

Ahh, those were good times. Now, the leaves are dying and so is health care reform.

Well, just like the president, Haiku Harry took a bit longer to get things done. He fully intended to resume his poetical commentary right after Labor Day but sh*t happens, right Mr. President?

But he's back and there is some stuff going on that needs the cleansing light of haiku shined (shone?) upon it.

Polanski is nabbed.
He's now in a Swiss pokey
and LA wants him!

Barack in Denmark.
We want the Olympics, please!
Please, please please oh please!!!

Iran shoots missiles,
then sits down and makes demands.
We should nuke their nukes.

Hey! It's October!
Time for a stock market crash!
Get out the mattress!

Swine flu still spreading.
Seasonal flu on its way.
Stay away 'til May!

Letterman was BAD!
He schtupped some secretaries,
and someone wants cash!

Sure, there's lots of other stuff going on but, just like Congress, Haiku Harry likes to ease back into work mode gradually. Plus, he's busy making plans for the two month Christmas break he and Congress plan to take in a couple of weeks.

Haiku Friday - The Week of July 27, 2009

"I was burned out from exhaustion, buried in the hail,
Poisoned in the bushes an' blown out on the trail."
- Bob Dylan

There's nothing but the same old news (White House beer pong this, health care that) and Haiku Harry really doesn't have much more to say. Plus, he's just plain pooped.

So, as of this week, he becomes "Hiatus Harry" and joins Congress in taking off the month of August to shop the back-to-school and the first Christmas sales, and gets ready to come back, keyboard a-blazin', in September.

If actual news breaks out in August (say, if Sarah Palin gets her own reality show or poses in Playboy), we will call him in. Otherwise, it's sayonara Harry.

But, he'll leave a parting shot:

Everyone is gone.
There is nothing new to say.
"Paging Mark Sanford!"

Thanks, Harry. We'll have to mitigate our withdrawal symptoms of not having you on Fridays by knocking off from work on Thursdays, around 2:00 PM.

Haiku Friday - The Week of July 20, 2009

Yep. You can feel August coming on:

• The fire hose of news is slowing to a trickle.
• President Obama has shifted his plans for health care reform from August to... um... whenever.
• The wild blackberries are ready for the picking.
• The dead possum on the side of the road near my house is really ripening up nicely.

It's good to take it easy and rest up in late July and August. Especially this year. We'll need all our strength to fight off not one but TWO types of flu this fall and winter.

Try not to strain yourself as you take in the less-than-momentous news of the week.

Apollo birthday.
We went to the moon. Now what?
A lame space station.

Health care on fast track.
Obama says "Do it NOW!!!"
Congress is nervous.

The prez on TV:
"I mean it! Pass this law now!"
Not so fast there, bub.

NRA loses.
Keep your guns in your own state!
In church? That's Okay!

The Dow hits 9K.
Is the recession over?
Who cares?! Buy, buy, buy!

For those of you hitting the road for vacation, try to keep at least one eye on the road and one knee on the steering wheel as you text, tweet and talk your way down the highway.

Haiku Friday - The Week of July 13, 2009

Does anyone know if President Obama is taking a vacation this summer? He really should.

Why?

Because Haiku Harry, this blog's poetry master, is burned out and needs a vacation himself.

The president is the Energizer Bunny of policy - foreign, domestic, health care, economy, environment - you name it, this guy is doing something about it. Only time will tell if he is on the right side of history, but geez, Mr. President - take a break. Play some golf or basketball or smoke a pack of Camels - whatever it is you do when you are not doing what you do.

The last thing you want as part of your presidential legacy is driving a poor, humble haiku writer so hard that he has to go on long term disability. (Unless, of course, your health care plan covers that sort of thing...)

Anyway, through clenched jaw and carpal tunneled hands, here is the week's news summary in haiku form, handcrafted and imported from Japan. (Actually, we are now outsourcing to writers in Bangalore, India.)

Sonia does Congress.
Dems lover her, G.O.P - not.
No matter; she's in.

Sarah Palin speaks.
"I quit, but Barack is bad!"
Why do we listen?

Goldman Sachs scores big.
Big risks = huge profits.
Taxpayers? Zero.

The shuttle lifts off.
Two weeks in space to do... what?
NASA needs new game.

The health care bill moves.
The vote was on party lines.
This will get ugly.

If you are reading this, Mr. President, you have an open invitation to vacation in our town. We have a lake, a movie theater and the corn should be coming in a few weeks. Just get the hell out of Washington. Please.

Haiku Friday - The Week of July 6, 2009

I thought things were supposed to slow down in July. Apparently, the world did not get the memo. Between Sarah Palin bailin' (thank you, New York Post, for that one) and Mike Jackson dyin', the media was in a veritable frenzy, awash with news of washed-up, has-beens, whose careers and/or actual bodies had ceased to be.

Oh, and there was other stuff too, summarized forthwith:

Barack in Russia.
"Can't we all just get along?"
Dmitri says "Da!"

Michael Jackson: dead.
Funeral = party.
Enough already.

China keeps killing,
then blocks Internet access.
What a bunch of thugs.

The G8 have lunch.
"We must cut greenhouse gases!"
China says: "F-U!"

Iran back at it.
The "Supreme Leader" cracks down.
Democracy? Feh!

Ensign pays off babe.
G.O.P. is imploding.
Kind of fun to watch.

"New" GM is here.
It's leaner, meaner, better.
Except for the cars.

If you are out fishing this weekend and you run into an attractive, out-of-work, slightly incoherent, fishy-smelling woman, say "hi" to Governor Palin for me.

Haiku Friday (on Thursday) - The Week of June 29, 2009

This weekend we celebrate the birth of the greatest nation on Earth. It can be depressing to think that this is the same nation that produced Joseph McCarthy, Aldrich Ames and Bernie Madoff.

But we also gave the world Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Edison and Flavor Flav, so, you know, we can't be all bad.

In fact conflict, contradiction and turmoil are rooted in the very fabric of any great, creative nation. As Orson Wells said in The Third Man: 

"In Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love - they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock."

So, we take the bad with the good and through it all, the United States is at once the most reviled and envied country in history.

And speaking of history, some was made this past week:

"Bernie gets the max!
Going to jail until death.
Live long, DON'T prosper.

Fair play rules in Court.
Hire based on merit, not race.
Sonia got it wrong.

Start to leave Iraq.
They can take care of themselves?
Not very likely.

Minnesota done!
Al Franken in the Senate!
At last, it's over!

Tough times for Arnold.
California is flat broke.
I.O.U.s must do.

The U.S. is fat.
Mississippi is the worst.
Dude - have a salad.

Mark Sanford is nuts.
He really needs to shut up.
Resigning might help.

It's the 4th of July weekend. Don't forget to set something on fire (a burger), blow something up (fireworks or the Taliban) and make a lot of noise (repeatedly confess to an affair in Argentina). It's the American way.

Haiku Friday - The Week of June 15, 2009

A big weekend coming up!

Sunday is both Father's Day and the first day of summer - the longest day of the year! (And you thought the longest day was that budget meeting you sat through on Tuesday...)

Of course, on Sunday, don't forget to get dad a day of beauty, complete with pedicure and... wait. Sorry.

And, what better way to honor dad than to recall those simpler times, before TV, when the family would sit around the kitchen table, writing haiku.

Here's what happened this week:

Barack to the docs:
"You need to make less money."
The docs say: "F*ck you!"

Iranians vote.
They elect a terrorist
who will build the bomb.

Tehran is burning.
The government is killing.
Time for regime change.

Sammy Sosa juiced.
He joins Manny and A-Rod
in the hall of shame.

Barack and the banks:
"We need better oversight!"
Please - just NOT Congress.

RIAA wins.
File sharer will pay HUGE fine.
Stop stealing music!

If you are a dad - Happy Father's Day. If you have a dad - call him or pour him a glass of scotch or just let him watch the Yankees game and the U.S. Open in peace.

Haiku Friday - The Week of June 8, 2009

Here's the thing: These aren't really haiku.

Haiku is an extremely refined form of poetry that combines art, rhythm, nature and beauty into a subtle, elegant consommé.

What you see here are the 17-syllable rantings of a pasty-white, middle-aged guy from Connecticut, who should be ashamed of co-opting one of the world's most exquisite literary forms, in a crass attempt at humor.

And yet, I feel no remorse whatsoever.

Tell you what: The next time some drunk Japanese accountant belts out a boozy, PBR-fueled version of "On the Road Again" or "Luck be a Lady" at his favorite Ginza saloon, we'll call it even.

Ginsburg blocks Chrysler!
We will have to wait longer
to buy a Fiat.

Never mind - it's done.
Chrysler and Fiat are one.
Will YOU buy their cars?

Palm launches the Pre!
Apple responds: "New iPhone!"
Recession? Guess not.

Big banks pay back loans.
Prez says we made a profit!
I'll take mine in cash.

Swine flu: Pandemic!
W.H.O. says so!
Joe Biden stays home!

Oil keeps going up.
It's now more than 70.
Fiat, anyone?

Analog is dead.
Digital TV starts now.
Time to read a book.

Have a swell weekend and don't forget to stock up on cigarettes before the government removes all the addictive, carcinogenic fun.

Haiku Friday - The Week of June 1, 2009

I was going to do this big, long diatribe intro about GM and Citigroup getting booted from the Dow Jones Industrial Average, and the future of capitalism and market forces and blah, blah, blah but then I realized - there is a Hummer-sized load of news to haiku about this week!

So, here's your news digest, in nicely digestible, sushi-sized chunks:

GM is now dead.
Wait! No! It lives after all!
And look: We own it!

Sotomayor meets.
Makes the rounds in the Senate.
A lot of white males...

China buys Hummer.
Now the Chinese can enjoy
gas-guzzling road hogs.

Barack out of town.
He kisses the Saudis' feet,
just as George Bush did.

Dueling news stories:
Obama? No! Osama!
Bin Laden makes threats.

Tiananmen Square
happened 20 years ago.
China still killing.

California? Broke!
The profligate spending? Done!
Arnold is fed up!

Obama gives speech.
The whole Arab world listens,
then shrugs its shoulders.

Mozilo is charged.
Mr. Sub-Prime mortgage-man
is a big fraud? No!!!

Wow. What a week. I'm winded.

Hey - one last thought: If you're looking for a way to be a productive member of the economy this weekend, run out and buy everyone you know a Camaro. After all, you own the company. Don't you think you should own the car?

Haiku Friday - The Week of May 25, 2009

Here we are, on the door step of June. Ahhhh - June. What a great time of the year. Fresh-faced teens in their prom and graduation finery. Little league baseball in full swing. The first strawberries are on their way and the whole summer is laid out ahead of us, pregnant with possibility.

Of course summer also means whiny kids home from school with nothing to do, the stench of roadkill in the air and the ever-escalating cold war against disease-carrying ticks and mosquitoes starts in earnest.

But never mind all that bad stuff. After a week off for Memorial Day, it's time to get back to that favorite summertime activity - haikuin'. For those of you who no longer read or pay any attention whatsoever to the news (which, according to recent polls, is EVERYONE), here's a quick summary of what you missed while you were out in the backyard playing horseshoes:

Powell answers Dick:
"I am a Republican!
Now shut the f*ck up!"

North Korea nukes!
The United Nations meets!
And nothing changes.

Barack picks a judge.
If she's qualified and smart,
Limbaugh will hate her.

Newt to judge: "Racist!"
Coulter piles on, just for fun.
Um, kettles? You're black.

GM on the brink.
Bankruptcy is imminent.
Everyone loses. 

Sotomayor? Bad!
Why? Too many syllables.
Not good for haiku.

Have a great weekend, watch out for opossums crossing the road and remember to stock up on Fudgsicles and Nutty Buddies for the kids!