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Separated at Birth?

Greg Marmalard:

 

Mitt Romney:

 

You Saw How We Handled the Debt Ceiling. Now Watch Us Manage the Internet

Google chairman Eric Schmidt appeared before a Senate committee today, ostensibly to answer for how big Google has become.

As part of my occasional yet on-going "Fantasy Congressional Testimony" series, I bring you this transcript:

Senator Windbag: State your name and title for the record.

Eric Schmidt: Eric Schmidt, chairman of Google.

Senator Windbag: "Schmidt", huh? Sounds foreign. Were you born here? I fought against the Kaiser in World War I, you know.

Schmidt: Yes, senator. In fact, I was born right here in Washington D.C. You could have easily Googled that.

Senator Blowhole: Don't get cute with us, sonny. Not all of us are convinced that this Internet thing is real. Now, let me ask you this:

These Google things you are running seem really big. Can you answer me this, just so my constituents understand: How many jelly beans fit into the Google? Is it more than a thousand? A million? If it is a million, that's really, REALLY big, wouldn't you say?

Schmidt: Um... huh?

Senator Blowhole: Admit it. These Googles you are selling are like the bedbug infestation in New York City. There are thousands of them.

Senator Pinhead: WTF dude?! Why do you have to hate on New York City? We didn't invent Google!

Senator Blowhole: What does "WTF" mean?

Schmidt: You could Google it.

Senator Windbag: I don't think we have an Internet in the Senate building. Can you fax me a copy and we'll add it to your testimony?

Schmidt: Are we through here?

Senator Asshat: My granddaughter asked me if her class could 'twitter' questions to this committee for us to ask during this hearing. Does anyone have any idea WTF she is talking about?

Schmidt: Twitter? Never heard of it.

Senator Windbag: Excellent! I think we've made some real progress here. One last thing, Mr. Schmidt: Have you ever met that kid from "The Social Network" movie? My granddaughter thinks he is a dreamboat.

Schmidt: I'm adjourned.

 

 

How True Patriots Run for President

(Image: Chuck Jones)

I've been truly impressed with Sarah Palin's and Michele Bachmann's recent history lessons as part of their run for president. (Well, Sarah Palin is actually running FROM her past including losing in 2008 and then quitting her day job in 2009.)

Here is my fantasy stump speech that I am happy to donate to either of their campaigns:

Thank you for inviting me here today! It's great to be among such a wonderful group of patriots who, just like our founding fathers did during the Civil War against France, are ready to stand up to a tyrannical oppressor, like Cardinal Richelieu or Lord Mountbatten or someone like that, and invoke the great Patrick Henry and declare "We're mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore!"

<Pause for applause>

Today, I stand before you with the spirit of Betsy Ross filling my heart, as I recall how she selflessly knitted uniforms out of cobwebs to help our dough-boys beat back Napoleon during the War of the Roses. It is THAT kind of sacrifice that president Obama wants every one of you to agree to and I say "Not on my watch, Mr. President!"

Because we have been sacrificing plenty. Anyone who has shopped at Lord & Taylor instead of Chanel or who has cut back on sushi in order to save the whales knows how much we've given up during the past two years of the Obama presidency. I say "Enough!" It's open season on humpbacks and I'm going out to buy that cute Prada number I saw yesterday while shopping in Vegas! Who's with me?!"

<Pause for applause>

You know, last time I checked, America was the land of big ideas:

- Major Tony Nelson's first step on the moon
- Albert Einstein's invention of the "Super Soaker"
- Johnny Unitas throwing a "no-hitter" during the 1947 NBA Finals

It's time we remembered the great accomplishments from these and millions of other great Americans who value freedom from government oversight and understand the power of individuals to make their own decisions about what's best for their families.

That's why I'm in favor of a Constitutional Amendment to ban gay marriage and recycling. Both are direct affronts to individual sovereignty as well as being dirty and time consuming. If we clog up our town halls, our courts, our justices-of-the-peace and our sanitation workers with endless marriage license paperwork and plastic sorting to accommodate a few gays and green-nuts, how can the United States ever be as great as when we came together as one behind Captain America to defeat the Russians under Columbus?!

<Pause for applause>

Finally, I would like to talk about immigration. I want to personally commend the governor of the great state of Arizona, Charles Barkley, who single-handedly took control of immigration policy in this country by sealing our border with Costa Rica and arresting anyone who looks like Sanjaya from Season Six of "American Idol." I can promise more of this kind of brave policy-making if I am president.

I'll leave you today with the powerful words of Winston Churchill, who, during Dublin's darkest hours during the Vietnam War, inspired his people to carry on:

"We shall meet them at the spa! We shall meet them at the Mall of America! We shall fight them for a parking spot! Never have so many done so little for so few!"

Thank you and God bless me and whoever votes for me!

2010 Ass-Hat Awards

Ass-hat: One whose head is so far up their rear end it could pass for a hat; used to describe a person who is stubborn, cruel, or otherwise unpleasant to be around.

***

2010 was definitely the "Year of the Ass-Hat." It seems there was no shortage of people from politics, business and entertainment who went out of their way to annoy us, embarrass themselves and weaken a great nation and the world.

So, in no particular order of importance, here are my choices for the biggest Ass-Hats of 2010:

Mitch McConnell: The senator from Kentucky and Senate Minority Leader proved that you don't have to be a radical jihadhist terrorist to be a terrorist.

 

Barack Obama: He spent the better part of this year grasping for a message that would resonate and a leadership style that was remotely presidential. To his credit, he finished the year strong by taking off his ass-hat and making Mitch McConnell's even bigger.

John McCain: After staring at an election defeat in the wildly out of touch state of Arizona, he flip-flopped so far to the right that he out-mavericked himself into becoming a parody of... John McCain.

 

Nancy Pelosi: After engineering one of the worst Democratic "shellackings" in U.S. history, instead of gracefully stepping aside, she decided that the country needs more of her air-headed, myopic leadership and forced herself into becoming House Minority Leader.



Sarah Palin: ...too much material... brain overloaded...

 

BP CEO Tony Hayward: After his company's oil rig unleashed the worst environmental disaster since... John McCain unleashed Sarah Palin, Mr. Hayward got all pissy with us Yanks for spoiling his summer yachting outing and his life.

John Boehner: The Speaker-of-the-House-To-Be couldn't look at a bag of beer nuts without breaking into wracking sobs because it reminded him of how great this country is.

Jay Leno: For being a talentless dick.

 

Michael Vick: I don't care if the Eagles quarterback throws for nine bazillion yards and shits candy-coated gold bricks out of his ass; he will always be an animal torturer and convicted felon.

Linda McMahon: The losing Connecticut senate candidate tried to buy an election by sending enough campaign crap to wallpaper the Great Wall of China. In spite of this, she was so un-compelling as a candidate that she could not beat an opponent who claimed he was in Vietnam when he was really playing squash at Yale.

Richard Blumenthal: The winning Connecticut senate candidate who has all the personality of a... bag of beer nuts... even when he is "mis-speaking" about and then defending his military service record.

Kim Jong-il: The leader of North Korea tried his best to start World War III by killing innocent people but only managed to piss off the leaders of China, which is quite a feat seeing as how they are world-class ass-hats in their own right.

Kim Jong-un: Earns his ass-hattedness merely for being the offspring of Kim Jong-il and for looking like someone who deserved to get his ass kicked on the playground every day of his life.

Lloyd Blankfein: The CEO of Goldman-Sachs continues to not have a clue as to why he should be the subject of a grand jury investigation instead of getting billions in taxpayer-funded bonus money. Plus, his head actually looks like a human ass. (I know - cheap shot. F*ck him.)

 

Glenn Beck: The Fox News hand-puppet continues to cynically exploit his brand of faux-patriotism to line his pockets. Also, a crybaby (see John Boehner, above.)

 

Tiger Woods: The only good thing about Tiger Woods is that he is now a loser in life AND golf. Let's hope he continues to score a loss for each and every time he shtupped someone other than his wife.

I reserve the right to add to this list as I think of more and you are welcome to suggest your favorites. But I think we can come together - Republicans, Democrats and "The Rent is Too Damn Highs" - and agree that 2010 was indeed an extra special year for especially un-special ass-hats.

Facebook Announces New Privacy Policy: "No More Social Networking!"

UCK THIS!

In a move to shore up its sagging credibility with regard to the privacy of its 900 billion members, Facebook today announced that it was removing the "social" and the "networking" aspects of its wildly popular web site to ensure that no one can see anything about anyone else, ever, for all eternity.

"We listened to our user-base and they spoke loud and clear: They signed up voluntarily and want to keep using our platform for free, but don't want to share anything with Facebook or its advertisers, so we're going to honor their wishes," said Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. "Now, the only person you can see on Facebook is yourself, and then only if you grant yourself permission to share things with yourself."

Under the new Facebook privacy protocols, users who want to know where they are at any given moment are going to have to enter an eight-character cuneiform code that identifies them as themselves and then informs that person only as to what they are doing at the exact moment. If that person moves from that location, the code expires and they have to enter a new one.

"F*ck it," said Zuckerberg. "I could have sold this thing to Ballmer for a few billion. Now, all everyone does is bitch about privacy this and security that. I think I'll call that guy from the Washington Post and see if he still wants to buy it, if only to pry the New York Times out of my ass! Hey - we're not on the record are we?"

When asked about how this might affect Facebook's valuation in an IPO, a Goldman Sachs analyst, who wished to remained anonymous because he was using his kids' college funds to short his wife's company's stock, said that the new policy would not be an issue in an IPO.

"Are you kidding me? Pets.com went public. Webvan went public. If there is one thing the housing bubble taught us is that we can put a plateful of dogsh*t in front of our clients and they'll eat it, every time. We're Goldman f-ing Sachs, for chrissake!"

The Annual Shareholder Letter Every Tech CEO WANTS to Write

Warren Buffett's annual letter to shareholders is out. It's a must-read for anyone who is invested, is thinking about investing, or thinks they know something about investing.

As we approach the annual report and annual meeting season, I am sure that a survey of most CEOs (with the possible exception of Warren Buffett) would reveal that they would choose their annual colonoscopy over this little ritual.

Technology CEOs, in my opinion, find the process especially irksome, given that they are busy dealing with the fast-paced world in which they compete.

In the plain-spoken spirit of Warren Buffett, I have taken the liberty of drafting a letter that CEOs of tech companies are free to use in their annual report this year. (You're welcome.)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Shareholder:

Once upon a time, CEOs like John Jacob Astor, J.P. Morgan and Andrew Carnegie sat down once a year, put on their eye-shades, put quill to parchment and scratched out a letter to their buddies who also happened to be shareholders in their trusts and monopolies. It was their once a year obligation to blow smoke up the ass of the "owners" of their companies.

Then, they would go back to exploiting the American consumer and creating capitalism as we once knew it.

Good times.

Somehow, this anachronistic practice became frozen in amber and continues to this day, in spite of the fact that I am under no legal obligation to write such a letter.

Yes, it's true. There is no requirement for me to write an annual letter to shareholders, which may come as a surprise to you given the fact that just about everything else I do has to be immediately reported to the Securities and Exchange Commission. If I so much as think about buying or selling shares in MY OWN F-ING COMPANY, I have to get a permission slip from the Pope. Hey! Did I tell you I'm thinking about getting hair plugs? Of course I did! You can read all about it in an 8-K filing along with what I had for dinner last night, what brand of golf clubs I use and the regularity of my bowel movements.

I had a sense that things would change when we went public, but it never occurred to me that it would require me to build an in-law apartment over my garage for legal counsel. If I spent one-tenth the time on my business as I do talking to lawyers and signing my name, we'd all be enjoying robot housekeepers like Rosie on "The Jetsons" by now.

But not these days. Despite the fact that you can get, via the Internet, a real-time accounting of which sales person picked their nose during a cold-call, I still have to file an annual report and worse, spend actual time in person with you people.

Yep, Mary and Phil Gormley of Fresno get to come to a meeting and question me about whatever the f*ck they want, in spite of the fact that they own a total of 87 shares in their idiot son's 529 college savings plan.

Here - let me save you a trip: No, the board of directors will NOT consider your motion from the floor to ensure that our products are not contributing to the clubbing of baby seals in the Nunavut Territories. And yes, I realize that you think that in this post-AIG world, anyone who makes more than $18,000/year is overpaid, but I have already cashed the bonus check mentioned in the proxy statement and bought his and hers Tesla Roadsters. And as God is my witness, if you so much as raise your hand at the annual meeting, I will drive both of them straight up your ass.

FWIW - I am happy to report that we had a great year. We make software for chrissake. It's zeros and ones that we deliver over the Internet. That means about a bazillion percent margins.

Furthermore, our customers love our products. And why wouldn't they? Most people these days would rather sit huddled in front of their computer than risk exposure to sunshine and actual human contact. I mean - why grow an ACTUAL garden or do ACTUAL work when you can play "Farmville" 18 hours a day?

This is all very good for us. We have become so efficient in delivering our digital equivalent of heroin that we laid off 99 percent of our workforce in the past 12 months. This has vastly improved our margins even more. 

So who is left at the company? Me, our CFO and a couple of interns who water the plants and tweet sh*t about our products a couple of times a day.

Seriously. I'm smarter than you. I'm the one writing this letter. Just take my word that your investment is safe and let's not go through this dumb-ass kabuki theater ever again.

Sincerely,
Your CEO

Toyota, Meet the U.S. Congress

As Toyota executives prepare to testify before Congress next week about the company's recent, um, faux pas, I drifted off into another one of my "Fantasy Congressional Testimonies" that occasionally make their way onto this blog:

Senator Windbag: "Mr. Toyoda - can you tell this committee why your company is trying to murder innocent American families with the 'Kamikaze Death Machines' that you pass off as automobiles?"

Toyota CEO Akio Toyoda: "Great and honorable senator. Thank you for making this opportunity for Toyota to tell your great and honorable peoples about our great and honorable cars. It is important for you to understand how important it is to Toyota to not appear to not care about not telling peoples about possible problems that might not have been a problem as soon as we thought they might not be. Thank you!"

Senator Assface: "Um - what?"

Mr. Toyoda: "Thank you senator. Good question. My chief of staff will make sure we provide you with a full affidavit that specifically addresses that issue."

Senator Roboto: "If I may - did we get an answer to the first question yet?"

Mr. Toyoda: "Domo arigato, Senator Roboto. You bring up an excellent point. Early in this process, Toyota did not wish to make clear the facts that would have clarified what we might not have known about problems with gas pedals and brakes and stuff. Now, as my presence here before your royal highnesses proves, Toyota is ready to make clear everything that was previously less clear."

Senator Cluck: "Wait. Are you 'Toyota' or 'Toyoda?'

Mr. Toyoda: Yes.

Senator Dickfor: "Yes what?"

Mr. Toyoda: "Thank you."

Senator Flotsam: "Can I get a translator in here? I have no f-ing idea what this guy is talking about!"

Mr. Toyoda: "I think this might be a good time to take a break."

Senator Windbag: "The witness can not call for a break. Only the committee chair can do that."

Senator Jetsam: "I move for a four hour lunch break!"

Mr. Toyoda: "Granted. This hearing is adjourned."

I am sure the real hearings will be just as enlightening, so feel free to skip C-Span and watch ice dancing or American Idol.

Haiku Friday - The Week Ending February 5, 2010

These are the dark days. Any romance that could possibly be associated with a beautiful January snowstorm has faded into the stark realization that February is really only two days shorter than most months and, if that's not bad enough, there's March looming out there like an evil force barreling down on us in its own hideous, inexorable way.

Wow. I feel like I just made a date to go sledding with Ethan Frome.

On the brighter side, the groundhog saw his shadow which means... D'oh!

At least I have my poems. Here's a haiku news summary from a relatively dull, lifeless, gray week:

Toyota is f*cked.
The bad news just keeps coming.
The bigger they come...

The admiral speaks:
"Don't ask, don't tell? Don't want it!"
McCain disagrees.

Scott Brown takes his seat.
The Senate's first nude model.
Thanks, Massachusetts!

The Dow is tanking!
Will it go below 10K?
Pity Goldman Sachs?

For those watching the Super Bowl on Sunday, the choice seems clear: You can root for a team that has long been the doormat of the NFL and which, like a phoenix, has risen together with its stricken city from the devastation of Hurricane Katrina to bring hope to the country and the world.

Or, you can root for a team from... Indiana.

Haiku Friday - The Week Ending January 29, 2010

Photo: Cornelia Baker

Picture this: You've been President of the United States for one year. In that relatively short period of time, you've gone from being the savior of the country to being despised by the right, excoriated by the left and abandoned by the middle for a state senator from Massachusetts.

BUT - you've got a chance to reconnect with the people in your first State of the Union address. Everyone will be watching and the news media will have nothing else to report on...

D'OH! That motherf'er Steve Jobs has to go and introduce his new thingamajig on the SAME F'ING DAY as your big address! Maybe HE should be president of EVERYTHING, if he's so smart!

But at least you have a whole new way to see how fast your poll numbers are dropping. Heck, you can take that Apple iPad to bed with you in the White House and watch your popularity drop in real time.

Anyway, it seems President Obama can't buy a break. Better to write a few haiku than to curse the darkness. That's our motto around here.

Toyota screws up.
Its cars just can't seem to stop.
Ford and GM laugh.

Steve Jobs saves the world.
A new thing for us to buy,
except we're all broke.

Obama's address:
"We have nothing to fear but
that a-hole Steve Jobs."

Alito mouths off.
"Not true" he says to the prez.
They should have a beer.

Ford posts a profit!
Toyota is imploding!
It's Bizarro World!

If you own a Toyota, if I were you, I would run out this weekend and trade it in for a Saab. It looks like that august car company will stick around after all and, stopping a Saab is not the issue. It's keeping them running that gives all us owners agita.

Top Ten Reasons to Buy the Apple iPad

Image: Apple

10) Because we're in a recession and what this economy needs is more people buying gadgets that will be obsolete in six months so that we can employ contract manufacturers in Southeast Asia.

9) AT&T needs more people sucking down its already excellent 3G bandwidth.

8) You know those big, foam "We're #1" fingers that people will be wearing at the Superbowl? Well, now they have a device big enough to accommodate the finger.

7) Apple could make a wireless version of a dead skunk and you're going to buy it, so this one is a no brainer.

6) Because people who have not been willing to pay for content for the past decade will of course now buy a $600 device so that they can now PAY for that content that 10 seconds ago they wanted for free.

5) Remember when Flavor Flav wore big, giant clocks around his neck? Now, he can wear an iPad.

4) You own a 52 inch flat-screen TV. Now you can watch TV on a screen that is 1/10 that size.

3) If you live in the northern half of the country, you can strap it to a broom handle, carry it in your car and use it as an emergency snow shovel.

2) Imagine the looks you'll get when you go jogging with it strapped to your arm.

1) Steve Jobs wants to buy Hawaii and this might just put him over the top.

Haiku Friday: The Week Ending January 22, 2010

It figures. Haiku Harry takes a few days off and the world of news erupts in a cavalcade of "It has to be true, because no one would believe it if you made it up.":

- John Edwards is now a confirmed douche bag;

- Ted Kennedy is trying out for the Olympic gymnastics team in his grave;

- The Supreme Court has declared that Goldman Sachs and Coca-Cola have the same speech rights as you and me (because that's what the framers of the Constitution had in mind, I'm sure.)

In spite of a grueling travel schedule, Harry managed to cough up a few Haiku hairballs to commemorate a momentous week in the news.

Edwards is a dog.
Dips his wick, makes a baby,
then lies about it.

Scott Brown wins in Mass.
Democrats are freaking out.
G.O.P.? High fives!

The Supreme Court rules:
Big biz can buy elections.
Democracy lost.

If the week's news has pretty much destroyed your last vestige of faith in this country, consider helping one that needs to be rebuilt from scratch. Make a donation to the charity of your choice to help Haiti.

Haiku Friday - The Week Ending January 15, 2010

Can we vote Mark McGwire in as Senate majority leader? Because if the criteria for majority leader is lame excuses for prior stupid acts and comments, McGwire is eminently more qualified than Harry Reid. Hands down.

It's been another stellar week of "Lifestyles of the Rich, Powerful and Moronic" and I am sure that Haiku Harry has something to say about McGwire, Reid, Leno and all the rest, so let's get to the news roundup:

China just loves to
poison our kids and our pets.
F*ck you, Wen Jiabao.

Google to China:
"Freedom must trump oppression!
And check out this ad!"

Harry LOVES Negroes:
"Some of my best friends are black!"
He's too dumb to serve.

Mark McGwire cries:
"I lied! I cheated! I doped!
Now, give me a job!"

The bankers are mad!
"We deserve our bonuses!
Bring me my limo!"

Barack has our back:
"The bankers will pay big fees!"
(Which they will charge us.)

NBC is hosed.
Leno is back, Conan - OUT!
Most of us don't care.

If you happen to run into NBC CEO Jeff Zucker this weekend, ask him if, when he is done sowing salt into the ashes of NBC so that nothing may grow there ever again, he wants to come shovel my driveway - a job for which he might - might - be qualified.

Haiku Friday - The Week Ending January 8, 2010

Take two lousy weeks off from haikuin' and the whole world goes to hell. Who'd have thunk that over the course of a fortnight that:

1) Tiger Woods could (mostly) stay out of the headlines and

2) Some dipsh*t would pack his Fruit-of-the-Looms with C4 and try to set it off after the final pretzel service of a flight and

3) The New York Jets would fall ass-backwards into the playoffs and

4) Global warming aside, it would get so cold in the East, they would be ice skating in the Everglades? (Not really, but it's damn cold...).

Back to the haiku grindstone as we pump out new poetry for a new decade.

Obama is pissed
that the CIA blew it,
even though dad called.

Democrats jump ship,
like rats off the Titanic.
Bad news for Barack.

Dodd capitulates,
done in by crap poll numbers,
and his own hubris.

NBC panics!
The Jay Leno Show is dead,
a ratings train-wreck.

If you have any plans to sneak a bomb onto an airplane in your girdle this weekend, make sure you let your family know, get your name on a terrorist list, buy your one-way ticket with cash and phone the CIA a couple of weeks before you go. Those, apparently, are the ingredients for success. (But do the rest of us a favor and wait until you are alone with your twisted, miserable thoughts before blowing it up.)

My New Year's Resolutions

It's that most wonderful time of the year. I always try to make a handful of New Year's resolutions. My strategy, however, is to set the bar low or make ones that if I never follow through on any of them, it won't matter or just might be a good thing.

So here's my list for 2010:

- To change the month on my wall calendar by the 10th of each month;

- To try to use the epithet "butt-pie" whenever possible when referring to annoying celebrities, pompous politicians and Tiger Woods;

- To be juuuust that much faster off the line at two-lane red lights;

- To talk about and show photos of my dog whenever my friends do the same with their kids, as if to imply that owning a dog is on par with raising children;

- To never use the last paper towel or square of toilet paper so that my wife always has to be the one who replaces both.

What are your plans to not make the world a worse place in 2010?

Haiku Friday (Thursday Edition) - The Week Ending December 25, 2009

Silent night, holy night,
haiku time, no need to rhyme.

Seventeen syllables, all to a point.
Skewer the famous and stir up the joint.

Poetry makes for good screeds,
highlighting newsmakers' misdeeds.

The Senate may be working Christmas Eve, but Haiku Harry is halfway to St. Barts by now. (He'll be the one sitting next to you on the beach with the excess body hair and the French man-thong.)

So this will be an abbreviated version of Haiku Friday, which is probably for the best, since you're already late for the airport to begin with.

Snowstorm hits east coast.
Washington D.C. shut down,
except the Senate.

Health care held hostage
by a creep from Nebraska,
and Joe Lieberman.

Swedish cars are done.
Saab is officially dead,
Volvo now Chinese.

Army says: "No kids!"
NOW shrieks "No fair to women!"
Terrorists just laugh.

Well, that's it for this week and this year for Haiku Friday. The only things likely to happen between now and January 4 are the Pope saying "Merry Christmas" in about 65 languages and Tiger Woods having sex with about 65 women. Have a nice Christmas, a Happy New Year and don't forget to "accidentally" drop some ham on the floor for the dog (and your sister-in-law's kids, if need be.)