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China Declares War on the U.S.

Image: www.taviscoburn.com

This blog has never been a particularly big fan of the government of China. The many egregious crimes that China has committed against its own people and the world are well-documented.

As a refresher - in the past two years China has sent us poisoned toys, dog food, seafood and medicine. It murders its own citizens, violently stamps down on any opposition - in Tibet or anywhere - and backs the murderous regime in Sudan.

Add to this, according to today's New York Times, poison houses. During the recent go-go housing bubble, builders were so desperate for drywall that they imported it from China. Alas, true to form, the Chinese exported drywall made with sulfur which, for those of you who did not fight in World War I, is what mustard gas was made from and was deemed so hideous a weapon that it was banned under the Geneva Convention. But, I guess if you're China, that treaty doesn't say anything specific about not using it to build an American child's bedroom, so what the f*ck. Why not?

According to the Times story, "There could be 60,000 to 100,000 homes that are worthless and have to be ripped completely down and rebuilt."

It would seem that China has declared war on the United States. But rather than the messy business of launching thermonuclear warheads, which would probably get noticed, China is going with the 'death by a thousand cuts' method.

But it's even more insidious than just sending over some contaminated kibbles. Bear in mind that most of the crap we buy at Wal-Mart and Target is made in China. We insist on paying three dollars less for that pair of shoes, so Wal-Mart is more than happy to send that business to a sweat-shop in Guangzhou.

Being the voracious consumers we are, all our money is flowing into China. And what happens to it? They lend it back to us so we can bail out the auto companies and banks and hand out 'free' money for "Cash-for-Clunkers." That's right. The same money that we spend on toxic products comes back to us when China buys our debt. Except this time, we have have to pay interest on it. (Or, more to the point, our children and great-great grandchildren will be paying that back.)

So, next time we buy scallops imported from China, or a $10 cashmere sweater, keep in mind where and how it was made, by whom and how much it is really costing all of us.

Yes, the Chinese government is truly evil and is putting its special brand of genius to work to declare war on the only real super power that stands in its way. And by my estimation, the baddies in Beijing are winning.

Let's just hope India, as the largest democracy on Earth, can step up and open up a can of economic whoop-ass on China before it's too late.

And the Winner Is...

 

...Hallmark Cards!

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Picture this: It's a hot August evening. After my run, I stop at the mailbox to pick up the day's mail. As I walk to the house, sweat drips from my forehead onto the mail as I read it. It must be 90 degrees, 90 percent humidity. I swat mosquitoes off my neck. The rumble of a distant summer thunderstorm echoes on the horizon.

I walk into the house and my beautiful wife is waiting for me with a towel and a cool glass of iced-tea. She is resplendent as the ceiling fan gently caresses the gauzy fabric of her summer dress. It's like I've walked into a Faulkner novel.

"What's in the mail?" she asks.

"Oh, nothing," I reply. "The usual - bills, a couple of magazines and... what's this? Why, it's the FIRST F-ING HOLIDAY CATALOG OF THE SEASON!"

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That's right. Hallmark cards gets the award for the first holiday season mailing of 2009. Two weeks before Labor Day and the good folks at Hallmark are shilling their greeting cards.

I'm sure some marketing and sales wizards did the calculus that says if they get out there early, it means more business. But I can assure you, Hallmark, that with me you may have jumped the gun juuuust a skosh.

What merchant will be the first to solicit you with a holiday catalog, in a crass and desperate attempt to salvage what will no doubt be the worst holiday selling season since... last year?

Feel free to post them here.

The media is dead, buried with Michael Jackson

One of the Twitter feeds I follow is called The Media is Dying. It chronicles all the media outlets that are laying-off people or shutting down entirely.

Well, it is no longer necessary. The media officially buried itself with its sycophantic coverage of Michael Jackson's funeral. It was embarrassing beyond description. Tuesday night, ABC World News devoted something like 14 of its 22 minutes to:

- scenes of the funeral
- discussion of the funeral
- discussion of the significance of Michael Jackson

It was "Entertainment Tonight", with Charlie Gibson anchoring.

Popes, presidents and kings do not get this kind of coverage. And never mind what one thinks of Michael Jackson, his music, his lifestyle, his legal troubles or anything else. The fact is that he was a pop singer. Yes, one of the most successful in history, but he was a POP SINGER!

If you are the managing editor of CNN, ABC News or any of the others, you include the funeral as a 30 second story, with maybe 15 seconds of video. Then, you move on to less important news - like two wars, the economy, a presidential summit in Russia and ethnic cleansing in China.

No wonder the media is dead.

"Hope I Die Before I Get Carpal Tunnel Syndrome" - Roger Daltrey

One of my rock and roll heroes - Keith Emerson of Emerson, Lake & Palmer - just canceled his summer tour due to medical reasons. The cancellation came complete with a doctor's note.

I love Keith, and had purchased great seats for two of the shows, but I wonder if perhaps he was also suffering from a bit of Lackofticketsalesitis. As of the other day, there were still plenty of good seats available and these were not very big venues.

Get well soon, Keith. Or get more fans. Or both.

Question for a Recession: How Much Is Michael Jackson's Dirty Bathrobe Worth?

Image: dvice.com

We're about to find out.

Next week, there will be an auction of the flotsam and jetsam of the fallen King of Pop's professional and personal life.

Items up for sale:

• Michael Jackson toe jam (from the Victory tour, complete with certificate of authenticity)
• Bubbles the Chimp's "My First Year" baby book
• A small vial containing Emmanuel Lewis's  eyelash trimmings (don't ask)
• Tito Jackson (yes, the actual person)
• A sampler gift set of droppings from the Neverland Petting Zoo
• Used surgical masks
• A tube of mascara and a can of Aqua Net hair spray left by Liz Taylor during a 1985 sleepover
• The Elephant Man's dentist's right femur
• A pallet of unused Dippity-Do (to maintain your Jheri-curl)
• Brooke Shields' I.U.D. (still in wrapper)

The estimated price of these and all the other items up for sale at the auction is $87.42. Anything less than that indicates that this recession will last six more weeks, according to leading economists.

Happy Birthday, Baker Blog: Celebrating 3 Years of...Typing

This week kicks off the international celebration commemorating the third anniversary of the founding of this blog on March 14, 2006.

As with any birthday, it is so gratifying when others reach out with their good wishes and I was pleased that some of the world's leading lights in technology, politics, business and entertainment have chosen to do so. In fact, many of the same people who have found their names on this blog have been effusive with their comments.*

 Allow me to share a few:

• "He writes about as good as we treat our customers." - The airline industry
• "I'm not sure who he is, but make sure he knows and writes that I am not a socialist. " - President Barack Obama
• "One would think that after three years, people other than his mother and mother-in-law would read his blog." - Bill Baker's wife
• "Three years? Really? Never heard of it or of him, to be honest." - Senator Chris Dodd, Connecticut
• "I plan to drive one of our new hybrid prototype vehicles that we plan to sell in 2043 all the way out and deliver my congratulations in person, if you catch my drift..." - GM CEO Rick Wagoner
• "F*ck him." - Former Lehman Brothers CEO Dick Fuld
• "What Dick said." - Former Merrill-Lynch CEO John Thain
• "See? Free speech isn't all it's cracked up to be, now, is it?" - Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao
• "Does he want to work for Treasury?" - Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner
• "That blog is a mess. It is a shining example of our failing education system in this country." - House Speaker Nancy Pelosi
• "I'm just getting on the Internet for the first time, so I haven't had the chance to see what this 'blog' craze is all about." - Former president George W. Bush
• "I invented the Internet for THIS???" - Tim Berners-Lee

* Every single one of these are made up. None of these people ever contacted me or said any of these things. Except possibly John Thain, but all his emails go to my spam filter.

John Lennon: "Imagine if I endorsed Cheez-Whiz too."

Kudos to Harry McCracken over at Technologizer.com, who calls attention to perhaps the world's most cynically crass TV ad for One Laptop Per Child.

It stars long-dead Beatles icon John Lennon, his voice dubbed in by an impersonator (who was clearly working for union scale) and his mouth manipulated by a high-school AV club trying out a new piece of software.

I agree with Harry: creepy.

I'll go one step further though and question OLPC to begin with. In concept, it sounds nice: Get poor kids in third-world countries on-line with cheap computers. But I would argue that those kids would be better served by vaccines, good food, potable water, basic education and steady electricity.

Once they have all that, then give them access to Internet porn and "Peanut Butter Jelly Time."

Armageddon: The moment is nigh

A careful reading of Revelation will show that Judgment Day is tomorrow - November 25, 2008.

How do we know this?

Because Barry Manilow is releasing a new album titled "The Greatest Songs of the Eighties".

It all makes sense. First, he has not aged in 40 years, though his music is immediately old (as demonstrated by an album of 80s music.) Hello? Dorian Gray?

Second, an album of the most annoying music of the 80s by the most annoying artist of the 70s, released in 2008 has to be indicative of some sort of plot to break our already fragile spirits.

For those of you somehow offended by this, or who doubt the validity of this conjecture, I leave you with this:

Was "Islands in the Stream" such a great song that it needed to be remade?

Was anyone pining away for a remake of ANYTHING by Rick Astley?

And just when when we had finally purged that Christopher Cross ear worm from our collective consciousness, along comes Barry singing "Arthur's Theme."

Let loose the dogs of hell.

The WORST thing that EVER happened to me

• Stock market meltdown?
• Serious illness?
• Car-jacking?

No, no and no.

When I was on vacation last month, my wife and I were walking through the lobby of our hotel - a Westin in Washington D.C. - and it dawned on me that I recognized the elevator music that was wafting through the lobby.

To my horror, I realized it was... "Pink Floyd's "Shine on You Crazy Diamond."

That's right - the music of my halcyon youth - the music that I listened to in high school while studying, volunteering at the soup kitchen and helping disabled children - was being played by a Mantovani-like string orchestra in the lobby of a chain hotel.

After the CPR kicked in, I thought how great it will be when Kanye West and Pink are audible in the freezer section of my local Shoprite.

Diamond - Live! (Thank you, no.)

How is it possible that tickets for a concert that I tried to buy 10 seconds after they went on sale, and that cost $120/seat, are now selling for $300 + a few hours later?

Neil Diamond (yes ,THAT Neil Diamond) is touring this summer and I tried to get tickets through American Express this morning as soon as they went on sale. Neil wanted $120 for crappy seats toward the back of Madison Square Garden. I declined.

Why, you might ask, would a music sophisticate such as myself be trying to go see Neil Diamond?

1.) Pure fun. His music takes me back to my earliest memories of listening to Top 40 radio.
2.) Apparently, he is retro-cool. A couple of younger friends wanted to go - and they are barely in their 30s.
3.) Think Nascar: half the fun is seeing the car crashes. Same deal here. I am pretty sure that Neil is 94 years old and it would be fun to see him NOT drop dead on stage.
4.) Chicks, alcohol, underwear. Do the math.

All that being said, I am pretty sure I would not pay $120/ticket to see Jesus wrestle Mothra, so there is no way I am going to pay that amount to see Methuselah live at the Garden.

Just out of curiosity, I checked StubHub this afternoon. Those same tickets that I declined for $120 are going for $340 each.

How is this legal?

Then again, anyone dumb enough to pay $340 to see a nonagenarian strut with his walker is probably also likely to be losing the home they couldn't afford in foreclosure.

Good luck with all that.

Reliving my youth on YouTube

I have taken a few lumps for resolutely standing by and still listening to the bands of my youth - Led Zeppelin, Yes, Genesis (who I just saw last month during their North American Tour) and Emerson, Lake & Palmer, to name a few.

Yes, I know. Other than Led Zep, none of the others are likely to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame any time soon, but who cares?!

As someone who has a basement full of old synthesizers that I can barely play, it does not get any better than this. Emerson, Lake & Palmer, 1973 (and to head off the snide comments - I have NO idea what the hell Keith Emerson is wearing. It was 1973, for crying out loud!)

What Brad Delp means to me

"Um - who?"

That's what you might be asking. "Brad Delp???"

Brad Delp was the lead singer of the rock band Boston. He died last week.

When I heard, it kind of bummed me out and I was not sure why at first. I mean, I liked the first album a lot and still listen to it. But I never saw Boston perform live and quite honestly, this was the first time I recall ever hearing the name "Brad Delp".

So why am I bothered by the news of his passing?

It occurred to me that bands like The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, The Who, etc. were already well established (or, in the case of The Beatles, history) when I started listening to rock music around 1975.

But Boston was brand new when the first album came out in 1976. I was able to experience the band and the album as it was happening. It was MY music, and did not belong to some fat, bald hippie still recovering from Woodstock and Altamont.

And now he is dead.

I guess it means that I am old enough that my cultural icons are going to start to die off, one by one, over the next couple of decades.

Bummer, dude.

Partay-ing with the Pussycat Dolls

My mom, who is pushing 70, recently returned from a trip to Los Angeles. She IMed me from the road (yes, my 70 year old mom travels with a laptop) and informed me that she "...sat next to some rock group on the plane. I think they were called the Scaredy-cat Girls or something like that..."

I typed: "Mom - do you mean the Pussycat Dolls?"

Mom: "Yes! That's them. It was me and them in first class. I sat next to one with red hair. It was fun. They were really nice."

Now I have never heard the Pussycat Dolls' music, so I am not entirely sure how I even heard of them. Near as I can tell, they are sort of a new version of the Spice Girls. It appears that the redhead's name is "Carmit."

I am pretty sure this will be my first and last "encounter" with anything remotely relating to the Pussycat Dolls, but I want to thank Carmit and her buddies for being nice to my mom.

Last time she flew, my mom was stuck in the middle seat between Britanny Spears and Shania Twain, who kept throwing pretzels and swearing at each other. Luckily, The Dixie Chicks stepped in and broke it up before things got ugly.