WTF were you all about? First of all, what are we supposed to call you? "The zeros?" In 1999, we didn't even bother to come up with a name for you, since we were all so giddy with anticipation. We all thought you would be the decade when we finally got flying cars, Dick Tracy watches and a cure for cancer. Instead, we got the Segway, Microsoft watches and swine flu.
Just looking back at my diary, I am astonished at all the things you managed to completely f*ck up. Here are some low-lights:
- Finances: Remember that budget surplus that we left you? What ever happened to that? You leave us next week with a 19 kerjillion dollar debt.
- Business: Remember Enron, Worldcom and Tyco? You would have thought that those petty crimes would have been good warning shots to maybe remind you to maybe get your sh*t together and keep an eye on things? Instead, we got AIG, Lehman Brothers and Bernie Madoff.
And how about that dot-com bubble bursting back in 2000? That sure was a spooky way to kick off a new decade and millennium, wasn't it? Not scary enough, I guess, to keep you from bringing us the housing bubble. Did you learn nothing from Pets.com and Webvan, you dumbass?
- Politics: Where to begin? We started the decade with Republicans foaming at the mouth at the end of the Clinton presidency and ended the decade with the whole world wanting to see George W. Bush take the last space shuttle off the planet. How did he get elected, anyway? Oh, that's right, I almost forgot. He didn't actually get elected. More important: How did he get re-elected? Oh, that's right, I almost forgot. We were so enamored with our house values going up 40 percent per year, we would have elected Clarabelle the Clown. Oh, wait. We did.
- Entertainment: In 2000, we could sit down in front of the TV and watch The Sopranos, ER and The West Wing. Now we get American Idol, Dancing with the Stars and the Fox News Channel.
And speaking of American Idol, it wasn't enough to poison our television viewing with this tripe? Now, we have a parade of lame-ass albums coming from every contestant who finished #33 or higher. F-ing Clay Aiken DIDN'T EVEN WIN, but no matter how hard we tried to avoid him, there he was. And to add insult to injury, you now feel compelled to import Susan Boyle from England? REALLY???
- Commerce: While we're on the subject of imports, I'm not exactly sure how much of the crap we bought back in 2000 came from China, but I'm reasonably sure that we weren't importing every toxic product that Chinese criminals could sell us. From lead-filled toys, to poison pet food, to drywall made of mustard-gas, if China had a chance to sell its garbage to us in the past 10 years, we never hesitated to run to Walmart and willingly pay for it with our adjusted-for-inflation stagnant wages.
- Travel: Yes, it's true that at the beginning of the decade, air travel was on a slow glide-path toward steerage class, but holy sh*t - what happened? Ten-hour runway imprisonments, fees for baggage, pillows and pretzels, and airplanes that appear to be vacuumed once every... decade.
- Health care: Around the turn of the millennium, the average monthly insurance premium for a family of four was about about the same price as a VCR. Now, VCRs are extinct and health insurance costs about the same as a fifth story studio walk-up in Manhattan.
- The news media: It seemed like only 10 years ago that people picked up a copy of their local paper, read it and then trained the puppy on it. It was informative and functional. Ten years on, there are no local papers, Google steals content from the six remaining journalists who are still doing original reporting and all the other "news" is provided by Timmy the Blogger or Glenn Beck - both of whom have similar journalistic credentials.
- Bad guys: Sure the Cold War was pretty much over in 2000 and we had a sense that terrorists had replaced the Commies as the new bogeymen in the world, but who would have imagined the global gloom that has descended over the planet thanks to radical Islamic terrorists?
In fact, '00 Decade, I guess the whole tone for you was set by 9/11, so you can't be blamed for everything bad that happened. (But we're still holding you responsible for Windows Vista, Paris Hilton, the Salahis, Balloon-Boy, and that Alli weight loss stuff that gives people the runs.)
In closing, I just want to say that I, for one, can't wait to send you packing on New Years Eve. You started with so much promise and leave us with Adam Lambert, underwater mortgages, and an increasingly underwater planet, thanks to global warming.
So long, '00 Decade. Go f*ck yourself.