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2010 Ass-Hat Awards

Ass-hat: One whose head is so far up their rear end it could pass for a hat; used to describe a person who is stubborn, cruel, or otherwise unpleasant to be around.

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2010 was definitely the "Year of the Ass-Hat." It seems there was no shortage of people from politics, business and entertainment who went out of their way to annoy us, embarrass themselves and weaken a great nation and the world.

So, in no particular order of importance, here are my choices for the biggest Ass-Hats of 2010:

Mitch McConnell: The senator from Kentucky and Senate Minority Leader proved that you don't have to be a radical jihadhist terrorist to be a terrorist.

 

Barack Obama: He spent the better part of this year grasping for a message that would resonate and a leadership style that was remotely presidential. To his credit, he finished the year strong by taking off his ass-hat and making Mitch McConnell's even bigger.

John McCain: After staring at an election defeat in the wildly out of touch state of Arizona, he flip-flopped so far to the right that he out-mavericked himself into becoming a parody of... John McCain.

 

Nancy Pelosi: After engineering one of the worst Democratic "shellackings" in U.S. history, instead of gracefully stepping aside, she decided that the country needs more of her air-headed, myopic leadership and forced herself into becoming House Minority Leader.



Sarah Palin: ...too much material... brain overloaded...

 

BP CEO Tony Hayward: After his company's oil rig unleashed the worst environmental disaster since... John McCain unleashed Sarah Palin, Mr. Hayward got all pissy with us Yanks for spoiling his summer yachting outing and his life.

John Boehner: The Speaker-of-the-House-To-Be couldn't look at a bag of beer nuts without breaking into wracking sobs because it reminded him of how great this country is.

Jay Leno: For being a talentless dick.

 

Michael Vick: I don't care if the Eagles quarterback throws for nine bazillion yards and shits candy-coated gold bricks out of his ass; he will always be an animal torturer and convicted felon.

Linda McMahon: The losing Connecticut senate candidate tried to buy an election by sending enough campaign crap to wallpaper the Great Wall of China. In spite of this, she was so un-compelling as a candidate that she could not beat an opponent who claimed he was in Vietnam when he was really playing squash at Yale.

Richard Blumenthal: The winning Connecticut senate candidate who has all the personality of a... bag of beer nuts... even when he is "mis-speaking" about and then defending his military service record.

Kim Jong-il: The leader of North Korea tried his best to start World War III by killing innocent people but only managed to piss off the leaders of China, which is quite a feat seeing as how they are world-class ass-hats in their own right.

Kim Jong-un: Earns his ass-hattedness merely for being the offspring of Kim Jong-il and for looking like someone who deserved to get his ass kicked on the playground every day of his life.

Lloyd Blankfein: The CEO of Goldman-Sachs continues to not have a clue as to why he should be the subject of a grand jury investigation instead of getting billions in taxpayer-funded bonus money. Plus, his head actually looks like a human ass. (I know - cheap shot. F*ck him.)

 

Glenn Beck: The Fox News hand-puppet continues to cynically exploit his brand of faux-patriotism to line his pockets. Also, a crybaby (see John Boehner, above.)

 

Tiger Woods: The only good thing about Tiger Woods is that he is now a loser in life AND golf. Let's hope he continues to score a loss for each and every time he shtupped someone other than his wife.

I reserve the right to add to this list as I think of more and you are welcome to suggest your favorites. But I think we can come together - Republicans, Democrats and "The Rent is Too Damn Highs" - and agree that 2010 was indeed an extra special year for especially un-special ass-hats.

Why Do I Feel Like a Character on "The Walking Dead?"

The AMC TV network produces some pretty awesome original series: Mad Men and Rubicon are two of my favorites. I am two episodes into their latest, The Walking Dead. It is a show about a post-apocalyptic world where some horrible disease has afflicted most of the people on earth (or at least, so far, in the Atlanta metro region.) These afflicted people are turned into zombies - walking dead who feed on the fresh and tasty flesh of the few who were lucky enough not to get this disease.

So far, it seems the whole show is nothing more than a live video game, where the living try to outsmart the zombies. The thing is - there are a LOT of these zombies. And they just keep coming, in wave after wave of stinky, rotten flesh and bones.

As I was watching it the other night, it occurred to me that "Hey! This looks familiar!"

In our lives, however, the walking dead are any number of real-life terrors.

The housing crisis, for instance. We keep waiting for all these toxic mortgages and vacant/foreclosed/zombie homes to just go away. But they keep coming in wave after wave, with no end in sight. I heard one analyst say that we are in the "third inning" of the housing crisis. Translation: those of us with living, healthy homes will not see those home values go up for a long time and God-forbid one of your neighbors turns into a zombie-home.

But pick your daily news event:

- grid-locked congress
- unemployment
- federal and state deficits
- Sarah Palin
- health care costs
- terrorists
- WikiLeaks
- crazy f-ing North Korea

Each one of these, and countless others, is its own type of zombie, in some way conspiring to threaten us, the living. All we want to do is raise our families, go to work, pay our rent or mortgage, maybe take a vacation once in a while and live in the knowledge that if we are ever bitten by an actual zombie, our health insurance company will pay for the medical bills instead of canceling our policy (if we have one.)

Plot-wise, after the two episodes that I have seen, The Walking Dead leaves something to be desired. But it has nicely captured (for me) the cultural, political and social zeitgeist of the United States as we close the books on the first decade of the 21st century.

Glenn Beck: "Hey! Did You Smell That?"

I had a beagle - Maggie - who every time she passed gas, surprised herself as if it were the first time it had ever happened. It was like she had no idea what was going on.

This came to mind as I was reading about Glenn Beck's "rally" in Washington D.C. tomorrow. Apparently, Beck has just now discovered, for the very first time, all the things that make America great and he is going to hold a rally at the Lincoln Memorial to make sure well all know about them and "restore honor" to America.

News flash, douche-face: We know that this is a pretty good, if imperfect, nation. This country is so great that even someone like you can get his own TV show and get a permit to release verbal farts over the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool.

I just can't imagine why any thinking person would want to go and smell them.

Haiku Friday - The Week Ending January 15, 2010

Can we vote Mark McGwire in as Senate majority leader? Because if the criteria for majority leader is lame excuses for prior stupid acts and comments, McGwire is eminently more qualified than Harry Reid. Hands down.

It's been another stellar week of "Lifestyles of the Rich, Powerful and Moronic" and I am sure that Haiku Harry has something to say about McGwire, Reid, Leno and all the rest, so let's get to the news roundup:

China just loves to
poison our kids and our pets.
F*ck you, Wen Jiabao.

Google to China:
"Freedom must trump oppression!
And check out this ad!"

Harry LOVES Negroes:
"Some of my best friends are black!"
He's too dumb to serve.

Mark McGwire cries:
"I lied! I cheated! I doped!
Now, give me a job!"

The bankers are mad!
"We deserve our bonuses!
Bring me my limo!"

Barack has our back:
"The bankers will pay big fees!"
(Which they will charge us.)

NBC is hosed.
Leno is back, Conan - OUT!
Most of us don't care.

If you happen to run into NBC CEO Jeff Zucker this weekend, ask him if, when he is done sowing salt into the ashes of NBC so that nothing may grow there ever again, he wants to come shovel my driveway - a job for which he might - might - be qualified.

An Open Letter to the Worst Decade Ever

Dear '00 Decade:

WTF were you all about? First of all, what are we supposed to call you?  "The zeros?" In 1999, we didn't even bother to come up with a name for you, since we were all so giddy with anticipation. We all thought you would be the decade when we finally got flying cars, Dick Tracy watches and a cure for cancer. Instead, we got the Segway, Microsoft watches and swine flu.

Just looking back at my diary, I am astonished at all the things you managed to completely f*ck up. Here are some low-lights:

- Finances: Remember that budget surplus that we left you? What ever happened to that? You leave us next week with a 19 kerjillion dollar debt.

- Business: Remember Enron, Worldcom and Tyco? You would have thought that those petty crimes would have been good warning shots to maybe remind you to maybe get your sh*t together and keep an eye on things? Instead, we got AIG, Lehman Brothers and Bernie Madoff. 

And how about that dot-com bubble bursting back in 2000? That sure was a spooky way to kick off a new decade and millennium, wasn't it? Not scary enough, I guess, to keep you from bringing us the housing bubble. Did you learn nothing from Pets.com and Webvan, you dumbass?

- Politics: Where to begin? We started the decade with Republicans foaming at the mouth at the end of the Clinton presidency and ended the decade with the whole world wanting to see George W. Bush take the last space shuttle off the planet. How did he get elected, anyway? Oh, that's right, I almost forgot. He didn't actually get elected. More important: How did he get re-elected? Oh, that's right, I almost forgot. We were so enamored with our house values going up 40 percent per year, we would have elected Clarabelle the Clown. Oh, wait. We did.

- Entertainment: In 2000, we could sit down in front of the TV and watch The Sopranos, ER and The West Wing. Now we get American Idol, Dancing with the Stars and the Fox News Channel.

And speaking of American Idol, it wasn't enough to poison our television viewing with this tripe? Now, we have a parade of lame-ass albums coming from every contestant who finished #33 or higher. F-ing Clay Aiken DIDN'T EVEN WIN, but no matter how hard we tried to avoid him, there he was. And to add insult to injury, you now feel compelled to import Susan Boyle from England? REALLY???

- Commerce: While we're on the subject of imports, I'm not exactly sure how much of the crap we bought back in 2000 came from China, but I'm reasonably sure that we weren't importing every toxic product that Chinese criminals could sell us. From lead-filled toys, to poison pet food, to drywall made of mustard-gas, if China had a chance to sell its garbage to us in the past 10 years, we never hesitated to run to Walmart and willingly pay for it with our adjusted-for-inflation stagnant wages.

- Travel: Yes, it's true that at the beginning of the decade, air travel was on a slow glide-path toward steerage class, but holy sh*t - what happened? Ten-hour runway imprisonments, fees for baggage, pillows and pretzels, and airplanes that appear to be vacuumed once every... decade.

- Health care: Around the turn of the millennium, the average monthly insurance premium for a family of four was about about the same price as a VCR. Now, VCRs are extinct and health insurance costs about the same as a fifth story studio walk-up in Manhattan.

- The news media: It seemed like only 10 years ago that people picked up a copy of their local paper, read it and then trained the puppy on it. It was informative and functional. Ten years on, there are no local papers, Google steals content from the six remaining journalists who are still doing original reporting and all the other "news" is provided by Timmy the Blogger or Glenn Beck - both of whom have similar journalistic credentials.

- Sports: Top athlete in 2000: Tiger Woods. Top athlete of the decade: Tiger Woods. Same guy, ruined over the course of a decade. YOUR decade.

- Bad guys: Sure the Cold War was pretty much over in 2000 and we had a sense that terrorists had replaced the Commies as the new bogeymen in the world, but who would have imagined the global gloom that has descended over the planet thanks to radical Islamic terrorists?

In fact, '00 Decade, I guess the whole tone for you was set by 9/11, so you can't be blamed for everything bad that happened. (But we're still holding you responsible for Windows Vista, Paris Hilton, the Salahis, Balloon-Boy, and that Alli weight loss stuff that gives people the runs.)

In closing, I just want to say that I, for one, can't wait to send you packing on New Years Eve. You started with so much promise and leave us with Adam Lambert, underwater mortgages, and an increasingly underwater planet, thanks to global warming. 

So long, '00 Decade. Go f*ck yourself.

ABC World News: Charles Gibson Pays Tribute to... Charles Gibson

I'm old school. I read four print papers every morning and watch the evening news every night. For years, I have been partial to ABC's "World News," going back to the Peter Jennings days.

For the past couple of years, Charles Gibson has been the anchor and this coming Friday he is retiring.

I liked Charlie. He seemed credible, trustworthy and fair. That said, when most people retire from a career, they let others sing their praises, if justified. It is especially true in the news business that the reporter (or in this case, anchor) should never be the news.

But for the past two nights, and I expect for the remainder of the week, Charlie Gibson has ended his newscast with a tribute to himself. While the footage is interesting, it is unseemly and inappropriate. He should be above such crass self-aggrandizement.

We are left wondering - whose idea was this? And can you imagine Cronkite, Huntley or Murrow doing such a thing? Remember when Al Franken did "Weekend Update" on Saturday Night Live and declared the 1980s "The Al Franken Decade?" We have come full circle.

Bye-bye, Charlie. Way to end a great career on a low-note.

Fox News Say NYC Marathon Winner "Is Not Actually an American!"

Image: New York Road Runners

In an unprecedented show of patriotism, the Fox News Channel has declared that the winner of the New York City Marathon - Meb Keflezighi - was not actually born in the United States, so he is therefore not really the first U.S. winner of the race since 1982.

According to Fox commentator Glenn Beck, "He was born in Africa, he's got a funny name and he's much darker than all previous winners from the U.S. There is simply no way this guy counts as a U.S. winner."

Beck also questioned Keflezighi's religious affiliation: "Yes, I saw him cross himself several times at the finish, but do we really want a Muslim running things... like marathons?"

In a guest appearance on Beck's show, radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh added that "I don't care that he faced a tough life, worked hard and beat all the other contenders to win the race. He doesn't does seem like he should be the winner. Therefore, I am going to do everything in my power to see to it that he fails."

Keflezighi, who was born in Eritrea but became a U.S. citizen in 1998, is the first U.S. winner of the New York City Marathon since Alberto Salazar won in 1982.

Said Beck: "'Salazar?' What kind of name is that? Cuban? Was he really an American? Communist? I think we should do an investigation into him as well."

In the mean time, Fox News is taking the official position that Ryan Hall, who finished fourth overall, is the winner because "He sure looks and sounds like one of us."

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[Writer's note: I have received numerous comments by email and on Facebook from people who were outraged by this. So I thought I should clarify: I made this up in an attempt to humorously to illustrate a point about the low-level of political discourse that occurs on cable these days.

I'm not sure if it was too subtle or if, sad to say, it is entirely within the realm of possibility that Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh would actually say such things.

I make no apologies to those two blowhards, but I certainly apologize to people who were confused by this.]

The. Best. Advertising. Disclaimer. Ever.

We live in a litigious world. Buy hot coffee, spill it in your lap - sue the store that sold it to you. Buy a ladder, fall off - sue the ladder company.

These days, you can't buy a loaf of bread without some warning about how if you eat it too fast, you could choke and die.

This is especially true of prescription drugs.

If you watch the evening newscasts, you know what I am talking about. (I am pretty sure that without ads for prescription drugs, Katie Couric, Brian Williams and Charlie Gibson would be working for minimum wage and broadcasting out of a storage locker.)

You've seen the ads. "Take this drug for toe fungus, but be aware that you could start bleeding through your eye sockets, sweating diarrhea and get an erection that lasts three weeks."

I was recently amused by a new commercial for the sleep aid Ambien that shows an animated pill hovering over a woman's head as she sleeps, sprinkling particles of medicine directly into her skull. Underneath, the word "Dramatization" appears, just in case anyone thought that's how it actually works.

But nothing can compare to the Ambien web site. The home page has a photo of a giant, rotating Ambien pill with five people standing on it. Underneath, the disclaimers say "Not actual patients" and "Not actual pill size."

Yep. Some lawyer, somewhere, is making sure that people understand that a real Ambien pill is not the same size as one of those giant pool-party floats.

Of course, this begs the question: Those people may not be actual patients, but are they actual size? Because if they are, then that would be a pretty important side-effect of Ambien that we might want to know about.

My Brush with Greatness: Walter Cronkite at the Supermarket

Some time around 1994, a group of us were on Martha's Vineyard for a triathlon. We rented a house for a week and on a Sunday morning, I went to the supermarket in Edgartown to get the New York Times.

I walked in and asked a cashier where the newspapers were. She pointed and I walked over to the newspaper rack and grabbed the last copy, just as an elderly gentlemen was reaching for it.

I looked up and he smiled and said "Darn, you got the last copy."

I said: "You're Walter Cronkite, aren't' you?"

"Yes," he replied, a little embarrassed.

"Here," I said, "Take the last copy. You're Walter Cronkite for crying out loud."

He laughed, asked me if I was sure. I insisted and he thanked me and walked away.

I grew up watching Walter Cronkite. My parents watched the CBS Evening News right up until Walter (he seems like you could call him Walter) retired in 1981.

He was part of the reason that to this day, I remain a news junkie and why I still watch the nightly news almost religiously.

Of course, as documented on this blog and countless other places, the state of the news industry today is a shadow of what it was in Walter's heyday. (Two words: Katie Couric.)

It makes me sad to think that Mr. Cronkite is now dead and that his brand of straightforward, well-written, well-edited, non-sensational TV news died with him, when he retired.

Alas, that's the way it is.

"Tell Scorsese to Hold! I'm on the Phone with my Brother-in-Law!"

Authors, artisans, filmmakers. Members of my family seem to be popping up all over the creative landscape these days.

(Alas, my contribution to the cultural pantheon is this blog, but I am more than happy to bask in the reflected glory of these talented people.)

If you live anywhere within signal range of Vermont, tune in tonight to the Vermont Public TV airing of "Operation Spitfire", a documentary directed by my brother-in-law, Eric Bessette, for the Lake Champlain Maritime Museum.  It's a film about the discovery and preservation of Benedict Arnold's gunboat, which was sunk in Lake Champlain during the Revolutionary War.

I don't know much about American history, but I do know that when Benedict Arnold leaked plans of Pearl Harbor to the Koreans, it changed the course of the Vietnam War forever.

This documentary will no doubt shed more light on those momentous events.

Does Jimmy Fallon Own Palm Stock?

As a PR guy for tech companies, and as an owner of the original Palm Pilot (from 1996) who is rooting for Palm to survive, I have to say "bravo!" to Palm's PR team for managing to secure what amounts to an eight-minute commercial for the new, not-yet-available Palm Pre smartphone on "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon."

I just wonder why in the world Late Night producers would do this (and if they are open to doing the same for some very dynamic, very cool companies that just happen to be my clients!)

New York Times Sports Section: Dancing With Irrelevance

Image: ABC

I have been a devoted New York Times reader for a couple of decades, at least. I renew my print subscription every year, without fail.

Sometimes, I wonder why. Like yesterday, when I looked at the front page of the Sunday sports section.

What dimwit sports editor thinks that anyone wants or needs to read a couple thousand words, spread over three separate stories, accompanied by multiple color photos - all about... ready?:

Apolo Anton Ohno.

"Who???" you legitimately ask.

Apolo Anton Ohno is a short track speed skater that might be known to some as a contestant on "Dancing with the Stars."

Newsflash: Short track speed skating is a sport about which NOBODY gives a crap every four years during the Olympics. It is the badminton of the Winter Games.

Some advice for the Times' publisher: Kill the sports section and give raises to the business and news departments.

Yes, Connecticut, there is a Santa Clause

Image: CBS & TM Classic Media

Here in Connecticut, we are facing serious budget shortfalls and economic malaise like most other states.

But not to be deterred from doing the people's business, my state senator, Republican Andrew Roraback, is leading the charge to import reindeer into Connecticut. He's introduced a bill and held hearings about it and I even heard Sen. Roraback do an extensive interview about it on the radio.

Thank goodness, because when all about you is going to hell, and the people are counting on its government to do the serious work that is required of these times, nothing says "I'm on the job" like being a champion of reindeer.

Thank you, Senator Roraback, for making my choice in the next election so clear-cut

Detroit update: Bad news and worse news

The bad news: It appears that some of your tax dollars will be going to bail out Detroit. (Yes Bob Lutz - I said "bail out.")

The worse news: Instead of Rick Wagoner, Bob Lutz and Robert Nardelli designing cars, now you have Nancy Pelosi.

Yep, it looks like Congress will probably hand over some of our money to GM and Chrysler (and maybe Ford) and will appoint some sort of "car Czar" to oversee the auto industry.

I am reminded of the very old episode of the Simpsons, when Homer finds his long-lost half brother Herb (played by Danny DeVito). Herb is CEO of a car company in Detroit. He is so happy to see Homer that he lets Homer take over the design team to come up with a new car that will save the company from bankruptcy.

Of course, the car that Homer designs puts the company into bankruptcy. 

So welcome to your new CEO of the U.S. auto industry: the U.S. government.

Look on the bright side: If you go out and buy a Chevy or a Chrysler car today, chances are it will be a collectible in a few years after the companies go under.

Bob Lutz: No fair calling it a "bailout"

Bob Lutz, vice-chairman of GM, was on CNBC this morning whining about Congress trying to make GM CEO Rick Wagoner a scapegoat.

Yesterday on "Face the Nation", Senator Chris Dodd of Connecticut (my home state) said that Wagoner should go. (Whether we want Congress making hiring and firing decisions for U.S. industry is another discussion for another time.)

Then, Mr. Lutz said no fair to calling GM's request for taxpayer money a "bailout". He said it is a loan.

Um - hellllooooo??!! Maybe all those joyrides in your personal fighter jets have caused some oxygen deprivation to your brain, Mr. Lutz, but try to get your mind around this concept:

When the CEOs of GM, Chrysler and Ford come to Congress - twice - and say: "We need this money or we'll go out of business" that sounds an awful lot like a sinking ship that needs to be... wait for it...

... BAILED OUT!

And do you really think that arguing over semantics is the way to go here? Two weeks ago, you said you needed $25 billion. Last week it was $34 billion. What's next week's number?

And, as you should know Mr. Lutz, beggars can't be choosers. If the American people, whose money you so desperately seek, want to call it the "2008 Shovel Good Money After Bad to Rescue a Clueless and Failed Auto Industry Run by Morons" Act, well, then you'll just have to live with it.

Now go get de-briefed by your PR staff on how NOT to do a TV interview.