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Fox News Say NYC Marathon Winner "Is Not Actually an American!"

Image: New York Road Runners

In an unprecedented show of patriotism, the Fox News Channel has declared that the winner of the New York City Marathon - Meb Keflezighi - was not actually born in the United States, so he is therefore not really the first U.S. winner of the race since 1982.

According to Fox commentator Glenn Beck, "He was born in Africa, he's got a funny name and he's much darker than all previous winners from the U.S. There is simply no way this guy counts as a U.S. winner."

Beck also questioned Keflezighi's religious affiliation: "Yes, I saw him cross himself several times at the finish, but do we really want a Muslim running things... like marathons?"

In a guest appearance on Beck's show, radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh added that "I don't care that he faced a tough life, worked hard and beat all the other contenders to win the race. He doesn't does seem like he should be the winner. Therefore, I am going to do everything in my power to see to it that he fails."

Keflezighi, who was born in Eritrea but became a U.S. citizen in 1998, is the first U.S. winner of the New York City Marathon since Alberto Salazar won in 1982.

Said Beck: "'Salazar?' What kind of name is that? Cuban? Was he really an American? Communist? I think we should do an investigation into him as well."

In the mean time, Fox News is taking the official position that Ryan Hall, who finished fourth overall, is the winner because "He sure looks and sounds like one of us."

---

[Writer's note: I have received numerous comments by email and on Facebook from people who were outraged by this. So I thought I should clarify: I made this up in an attempt to humorously to illustrate a point about the low-level of political discourse that occurs on cable these days.

I'm not sure if it was too subtle or if, sad to say, it is entirely within the realm of possibility that Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh would actually say such things.

I make no apologies to those two blowhards, but I certainly apologize to people who were confused by this.]

Haiku Friday - The Week of October 19, 2009

As the trees continued shedding their leaves, this week saw another one of those seminal events in our lives. One of those "I remember exactly where I was when it happened" moments. Just like that night almost a year ago, when Barack Obama won the election, this day too shall be spoken of and passed down from generation to generation.

Of course, I am speaking of the launch of a new operating system from Microsoft.

For those of you with, you know... lives, the launch of Windows 7 may have slipped by you. Don't sweat it. You didn't miss much. Sure, Windows 7 is being heralded (by Microsoft) as the best Microsoft operating system since Windows XP, but the truth is, the boys in Redmond are clinging to old computing paradigms like grim death.

Don't take my word for it. Read the excellent account of Microsoft's slow fade-to-black by Ashlee Vance in this past Sunday's New York Times.

Unfortunately for all of us, Haiku Harry did not get the memo that nobody gives a rat's ass about the last few farts from a dying dinosaur like Microsoft. Harry got caught up in the awesome power of Microsoft's mighty marketing machine and spent the week camping out in front of his local Best Buy, so he could be first in line to buy a copy of Windows 7. He set up camp on Sunday night. On Thursday morning, he was still the only person in line. Cold, dejected and humiliated, he quietly went home without buying anything.

As such, he missed a whole week of news and is basically phoning in (with an iPhone) this week's abbreviated Haiku Friday.

Balloon Boy a SHAM!
The media is ashamed!!
Stay tuned for details!!!

Bankers' pay is capped.
Wall Street: "But we'll lose the best!"
Taxpayers: "Bye-bye!"

New Windows arrives.
Ballmer says: "It's the best yet."
Google is NOT scared.

Fear not. Harry has learned his lesson and will go back to camping out ONLY for important events, like U2 tickets and any product release from Apple.

Haiku Friday - The Week of September 28, 2009

Remember in June, when the summer (and President Obama) was young and fresh and the president was going to have health care reform done by July 4?

Ahh, those were good times. Now, the leaves are dying and so is health care reform.

Well, just like the president, Haiku Harry took a bit longer to get things done. He fully intended to resume his poetical commentary right after Labor Day but sh*t happens, right Mr. President?

But he's back and there is some stuff going on that needs the cleansing light of haiku shined (shone?) upon it.

Polanski is nabbed.
He's now in a Swiss pokey
and LA wants him!

Barack in Denmark.
We want the Olympics, please!
Please, please please oh please!!!

Iran shoots missiles,
then sits down and makes demands.
We should nuke their nukes.

Hey! It's October!
Time for a stock market crash!
Get out the mattress!

Swine flu still spreading.
Seasonal flu on its way.
Stay away 'til May!

Letterman was BAD!
He schtupped some secretaries,
and someone wants cash!

Sure, there's lots of other stuff going on but, just like Congress, Haiku Harry likes to ease back into work mode gradually. Plus, he's busy making plans for the two month Christmas break he and Congress plan to take in a couple of weeks.

Sarkozy: "Nay-vehr mind Ee-rahn! I shall keel zee New York Times!"

Image: Doug Mills/New York Times

"Where ees my ee-dee-ot prezz zecretary???!!! I told heem zat I nay-verh want to bee next to zat beeg, tall, lan-key Obama een a photograff!!!"

My Brush with Greatness: Walter Cronkite at the Supermarket

Some time around 1994, a group of us were on Martha's Vineyard for a triathlon. We rented a house for a week and on a Sunday morning, I went to the supermarket in Edgartown to get the New York Times.

I walked in and asked a cashier where the newspapers were. She pointed and I walked over to the newspaper rack and grabbed the last copy, just as an elderly gentlemen was reaching for it.

I looked up and he smiled and said "Darn, you got the last copy."

I said: "You're Walter Cronkite, aren't' you?"

"Yes," he replied, a little embarrassed.

"Here," I said, "Take the last copy. You're Walter Cronkite for crying out loud."

He laughed, asked me if I was sure. I insisted and he thanked me and walked away.

I grew up watching Walter Cronkite. My parents watched the CBS Evening News right up until Walter (he seems like you could call him Walter) retired in 1981.

He was part of the reason that to this day, I remain a news junkie and why I still watch the nightly news almost religiously.

Of course, as documented on this blog and countless other places, the state of the news industry today is a shadow of what it was in Walter's heyday. (Two words: Katie Couric.)

It makes me sad to think that Mr. Cronkite is now dead and that his brand of straightforward, well-written, well-edited, non-sensational TV news died with him, when he retired.

Alas, that's the way it is.

Haiku Friday - The Week of July 6, 2009

I thought things were supposed to slow down in July. Apparently, the world did not get the memo. Between Sarah Palin bailin' (thank you, New York Post, for that one) and Mike Jackson dyin', the media was in a veritable frenzy, awash with news of washed-up, has-beens, whose careers and/or actual bodies had ceased to be.

Oh, and there was other stuff too, summarized forthwith:

Barack in Russia.
"Can't we all just get along?"
Dmitri says "Da!"

Michael Jackson: dead.
Funeral = party.
Enough already.

China keeps killing,
then blocks Internet access.
What a bunch of thugs.

The G8 have lunch.
"We must cut greenhouse gases!"
China says: "F-U!"

Iran back at it.
The "Supreme Leader" cracks down.
Democracy? Feh!

Ensign pays off babe.
G.O.P. is imploding.
Kind of fun to watch.

"New" GM is here.
It's leaner, meaner, better.
Except for the cars.

If you are out fishing this weekend and you run into an attractive, out-of-work, slightly incoherent, fishy-smelling woman, say "hi" to Governor Palin for me.

The media is dead, buried with Michael Jackson

One of the Twitter feeds I follow is called The Media is Dying. It chronicles all the media outlets that are laying-off people or shutting down entirely.

Well, it is no longer necessary. The media officially buried itself with its sycophantic coverage of Michael Jackson's funeral. It was embarrassing beyond description. Tuesday night, ABC World News devoted something like 14 of its 22 minutes to:

- scenes of the funeral
- discussion of the funeral
- discussion of the significance of Michael Jackson

It was "Entertainment Tonight", with Charlie Gibson anchoring.

Popes, presidents and kings do not get this kind of coverage. And never mind what one thinks of Michael Jackson, his music, his lifestyle, his legal troubles or anything else. The fact is that he was a pop singer. Yes, one of the most successful in history, but he was a POP SINGER!

If you are the managing editor of CNN, ABC News or any of the others, you include the funeral as a 30 second story, with maybe 15 seconds of video. Then, you move on to less important news - like two wars, the economy, a presidential summit in Russia and ethnic cleansing in China.

No wonder the media is dead.

Haiku Friday - The Week of May 25, 2009

Here we are, on the door step of June. Ahhhh - June. What a great time of the year. Fresh-faced teens in their prom and graduation finery. Little league baseball in full swing. The first strawberries are on their way and the whole summer is laid out ahead of us, pregnant with possibility.

Of course summer also means whiny kids home from school with nothing to do, the stench of roadkill in the air and the ever-escalating cold war against disease-carrying ticks and mosquitoes starts in earnest.

But never mind all that bad stuff. After a week off for Memorial Day, it's time to get back to that favorite summertime activity - haikuin'. For those of you who no longer read or pay any attention whatsoever to the news (which, according to recent polls, is EVERYONE), here's a quick summary of what you missed while you were out in the backyard playing horseshoes:

Powell answers Dick:
"I am a Republican!
Now shut the f*ck up!"

North Korea nukes!
The United Nations meets!
And nothing changes.

Barack picks a judge.
If she's qualified and smart,
Limbaugh will hate her.

Newt to judge: "Racist!"
Coulter piles on, just for fun.
Um, kettles? You're black.

GM on the brink.
Bankruptcy is imminent.
Everyone loses. 

Sotomayor? Bad!
Why? Too many syllables.
Not good for haiku.

Have a great weekend, watch out for opossums crossing the road and remember to stock up on Fudgsicles and Nutty Buddies for the kids!

Separated at Birth: We Report, YOU Decide

I am sure I am not the first to point this out, but it came up in a roundabout way during a Facebook discussion among friends yesterday.

White House press secretary Robert Gibbs looks a bit like make-believe family guy Peter Griffin.

Take a look for yourself:

Gibbs:

Griffin:

Boston Globe Watch: "I'm Not Dead Yet!"

Well, it looks like the writers' union at the Boston Globe and its owner, the New York Times Company, are still talking.

Someone asked me today what I thought was going to happen.

"What do I know," I responded, except that if I was asked to choose between cutting my wages or no wages at all, I would probably choose to cut my wages.

They'll figure it out. After all, what would the city of Boston look like without the Boston Globe?

There are no real villains here (though lifetime job guarantees in this day and age - in ANY industry - is pretty laughable.) Newspaper reporters deserve to be paid and the owners deserve to make a profit.

But, this is a new era in the media and anyone not willing to adapt will be left behind.

Twitter Redux: Stop the Madness

It seems you can't swing a dead cat these days without running into a breathless media story about Twitter. (That is for those of you who, like me, still use twirling animal carcasses to help you go about your daily chores.)

This past weekend, I read three business stories, plus listened to an extended discussion about the "Twitter Revolution" in Moldova (I'm not kidding) on my favorite NPR show, On the Media.

It shocks me that I have been on Twitter for more than two years(!), and I still am up in the air about it.

In March 2007, I posted "Twitter? More Like Fritter?" on this blog, questioning its value.

Boy was I wrong. And right.

Yes, Twitter is a phenomenon, but very few if any of us are exactly sure how or why. More important, no one really knows if there will ever be a business model behind Twitter. To that point, I refer you to Charles Cooper, curmudgeon extraordinaire over on CNET. He is boycotting writing about Twitter until something interesting actually happens.

And rest assured, when it does, I'll try to be one of the first to Twitter about it.

Line of the Month for March 2009

I had dinner last week in San Francisco with a friend who is a business technology reporter for a major national media outlet. He related a story about how a competing national media outlet broke a big news story a couple of weeks ago, which hit early in the morning, east coast time.

His phone rang at about 4:30 AM, PDT. A New York-based editor asked him "Have you confirmed the news?"

He said the only thought that ran through his head at that moment was "At this point, I can confirm that I have now walked from the bed to the phone."

He is the parent of an eight-month old, so I am am trying to imagine who is more disruptive to normal sleep patterns - the baby or his editors.

It's nice to hear that, in the face of the media industry being declared D.O.A. - by the media - that there are still competitive forces at work to "get the scoop."

And, while it is not in my best professional interest to take sides, I can say that the other media outlet is just a collection of computer-banging monkey-hacks, while it is just a matter of time before my friend wins a Pulitzer.

Cheney: "Blame it on the Bossa Nova"

 

In a stunning display of candor during a Sunday interview on CNN, former vice president Dick Cheney helpfully identified where to lay blame for the worldwide economic crisis.

His list includes:

1. President Barack Obama
2. President Bill Clinton
3. New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd
4. The National Organization for Women
5. President Jimmy Carter
6. President Lyndon Johnson
7. President John F. Kennedy
8. President Josiah Bartlet
9. Weatherman William Ayers
10. The entire continent of Africa
11. "That guy I shot in the face a few years ago."
12. Colin Powell
13. Sarah Palin
14. The U.S. Congress
15. President Harry Truman
16. President Franklin Roosevelt
17. President Woodrow Wilson
18. Humpback whales
19. Saddam Hussein
20. "That new judge-chick on American Idol. Don't like her one bit."
21. Jimmy Hoffa
22. John McCain
23. Cindy Brady
24. Vladimir Putin
25. Poppa Smurf

Who is NOT to blame according to Mr. Cheney?

1. Dick Cheney

When asked by CNN interviewer John King if his blame list wasn't just "...a list of every Democratic and fictional president of the last 100 years, plus a few people who you just don't like...", the former veep replied "bite me", got up and left.

Haiku Friday: The Week of March 9, 2009

[Drop needle and cue orchestral music]

Daylight savings has arrived (Three weeks earlier than in Europe, just to be annoying....)

The days are getting slightly warmer. Kids are venturing outside to play on the lawn, stir-crazy from a long winter's night.

Spring arrives one week from today - a glimpse of the halcyon, carefree days of summer to come.

[Cue sound of needle being dragged across record]

Wait - this is 2009. Spring has been mortgaged, summer canceled, kids play Nintendo in the basement and, anyway, that lawn surrounds a house that was foreclosed on last autumn.

So what do we have to cling to?

Beauty. Truth. Family. Haiku Friday.

Here's a summary of the week's news presented in a form that, for a brief moment, lifts all of our spirits and sends them... right over the edge:

Hillary travels
to foreign lands near and far.
Bill brings up the rear.

Budget goes to prez;
Obama signs it and says
"NEXT time, no earmarks!"

The Forbes list is out.
Billionaires? Not any more.
Can you spare a dime?

Jamie Dimon speaks:
"Please stop blaming the bankers!"
YOU wrote the loans, chief.

Tuesday: Market up!
Wednesday: Cool - keep it going!!
Thursday: Holy cow!!!

Madoff pleads guilty,
sixty billion up in smoke.
Enjoy prison food!

Have a swell weekend and keep in mind that the G20 finance leaders are meeting in England, so don't forget to set your 401Ks back 14 years before you go to sleep Saturday night.

Oh no! Who knew Ohno has fans?!

Image: apoloantonohno.com

My snarky screed about the New York Times coverage of Apolo Anton Ohno has set off a mini-firestorm over in the chat room of the Got Apolo web site and in the comments on this blog. I had no idea he has such a massive following. Apparently, somebody does, indeed, give a crap about short track speed skating.

As a colleague just pointed out to me: "Someone who follows the Tour de France shouldn't have much to say about short track speed skating."

Fair enough.

For the record, I never questioned Mr. Ohno's atheltic ability or his dedication. I just questioned the Times' editorial choices given the (perhaps limited) popularity of the sport. Then again, any story that pushes Mr. April, steroid-boy A-Rod, off the front page of the New York papers is OK by me.

I now plan to join the 332 proud members of the Apolo fan club over on Facebook and lobby for him to appear in his own reality series.