BillBakerBlog.com

An Open Letter to the Worst Decade Ever

Dear '00 Decade:

WTF were you all about? First of all, what are we supposed to call you?  "The zeros?" In 1999, we didn't even bother to come up with a name for you, since we were all so giddy with anticipation. We all thought you would be the decade when we finally got flying cars, Dick Tracy watches and a cure for cancer. Instead, we got the Segway, Microsoft watches and swine flu.

Just looking back at my diary, I am astonished at all the things you managed to completely f*ck up. Here are some low-lights:

- Finances: Remember that budget surplus that we left you? What ever happened to that? You leave us next week with a 19 kerjillion dollar debt.

- Business: Remember Enron, Worldcom and Tyco? You would have thought that those petty crimes would have been good warning shots to maybe remind you to maybe get your sh*t together and keep an eye on things? Instead, we got AIG, Lehman Brothers and Bernie Madoff. 

And how about that dot-com bubble bursting back in 2000? That sure was a spooky way to kick off a new decade and millennium, wasn't it? Not scary enough, I guess, to keep you from bringing us the housing bubble. Did you learn nothing from Pets.com and Webvan, you dumbass?

- Politics: Where to begin? We started the decade with Republicans foaming at the mouth at the end of the Clinton presidency and ended the decade with the whole world wanting to see George W. Bush take the last space shuttle off the planet. How did he get elected, anyway? Oh, that's right, I almost forgot. He didn't actually get elected. More important: How did he get re-elected? Oh, that's right, I almost forgot. We were so enamored with our house values going up 40 percent per year, we would have elected Clarabelle the Clown. Oh, wait. We did.

- Entertainment: In 2000, we could sit down in front of the TV and watch The Sopranos, ER and The West Wing. Now we get American Idol, Dancing with the Stars and the Fox News Channel.

And speaking of American Idol, it wasn't enough to poison our television viewing with this tripe? Now, we have a parade of lame-ass albums coming from every contestant who finished #33 or higher. F-ing Clay Aiken DIDN'T EVEN WIN, but no matter how hard we tried to avoid him, there he was. And to add insult to injury, you now feel compelled to import Susan Boyle from England? REALLY???

- Commerce: While we're on the subject of imports, I'm not exactly sure how much of the crap we bought back in 2000 came from China, but I'm reasonably sure that we weren't importing every toxic product that Chinese criminals could sell us. From lead-filled toys, to poison pet food, to drywall made of mustard-gas, if China had a chance to sell its garbage to us in the past 10 years, we never hesitated to run to Walmart and willingly pay for it with our adjusted-for-inflation stagnant wages.

- Travel: Yes, it's true that at the beginning of the decade, air travel was on a slow glide-path toward steerage class, but holy sh*t - what happened? Ten-hour runway imprisonments, fees for baggage, pillows and pretzels, and airplanes that appear to be vacuumed once every... decade.

- Health care: Around the turn of the millennium, the average monthly insurance premium for a family of four was about about the same price as a VCR. Now, VCRs are extinct and health insurance costs about the same as a fifth story studio walk-up in Manhattan.

- The news media: It seemed like only 10 years ago that people picked up a copy of their local paper, read it and then trained the puppy on it. It was informative and functional. Ten years on, there are no local papers, Google steals content from the six remaining journalists who are still doing original reporting and all the other "news" is provided by Timmy the Blogger or Glenn Beck - both of whom have similar journalistic credentials.

- Sports: Top athlete in 2000: Tiger Woods. Top athlete of the decade: Tiger Woods. Same guy, ruined over the course of a decade. YOUR decade.

- Bad guys: Sure the Cold War was pretty much over in 2000 and we had a sense that terrorists had replaced the Commies as the new bogeymen in the world, but who would have imagined the global gloom that has descended over the planet thanks to radical Islamic terrorists?

In fact, '00 Decade, I guess the whole tone for you was set by 9/11, so you can't be blamed for everything bad that happened. (But we're still holding you responsible for Windows Vista, Paris Hilton, the Salahis, Balloon-Boy, and that Alli weight loss stuff that gives people the runs.)

In closing, I just want to say that I, for one, can't wait to send you packing on New Years Eve. You started with so much promise and leave us with Adam Lambert, underwater mortgages, and an increasingly underwater planet, thanks to global warming. 

So long, '00 Decade. Go f*ck yourself.

Save on jetBlue Airfares. Except Jews.

I was going to give jetBlue a load of crap about this, but I am sure there was no malice of forethought. Rather, someone in marketing just sort of... forgot.

Yesterday was Yom Kippur, so I did not read any emails. This morning, as I was sorting through the 54,127 new messages that came in while I was fasting, I noticed the one-day fare sale email from jetBlue.

Alas, that one day was yesterday - the holiest day on the Jewish calendar, so I guess there will be a whole bunch of WASP-filled flights coming up for jetBlue.

But I'll be standing by for the Christmas Day sale that I am sure is coming.

Thank you, JetBlue.

Yep - you read it right. I have to give props when they are due. And thank you Nautica, Toyota, Accenture, Janus and all the other sponsors of the 2009 New York City Triathlon which I raced on Sunday, July 26.

My feud with JetBlue started a year ago and ends here. Any company that supports the sport that I enjoy so much and in which I have been racing for 20 years, well... I get a little verklempt.

JetBlue volunteers were at the swim start, collecting our crap that we needed after the race and then hauling it over to the finish in Central Park. JetBlue also sponsored the big party at the finish.

I am pretty sure that the JetBlue employees who volunteered would have rather set themselves on fire than get up at 3:00 am to spend the day carting our stuff around, but that's what they did.

The logistics of putting on a triathlon with 3,500 competitors in New York City boggles the mind, but the race went off without a hitch. The entire race organization and management was simply fantastic, and the race sponsors play a huge role.

So thanks, JetBlue, for supporting triathlon. And please don't let my affiliation with this sport spoil you on sponsoring the race again next year.

Marking a Historic Anniversary in Aviation History

As you all know, this week marks an extraordinary moment in the history of flight. Millions of people around the world were glued to their screens as the drama played out. Most people remember exactly where they were...

...when JetBlue Airways screwed me and tried to abandon me in Portland, Oregon, on July 23, 2008.

Anniversaries are a time of reflection and a good place to stop and look back, with a bit of perspective, and reassess what happened.

You can find a blow-by-blow account of the whole sordid thing over on MyJetBlueLawsuit.com. You can relive the galactic corporate obstinacy on the part of JetBlue and experience the near sociopathic fervor by which I pursued that evil, evil company.

It all came to a dramatic conclusion, when, in F. Lee Bailey-like fashion, I smited (smote?) the mighty beast in small claims court and collected my just reward.

To paraphrase President Kennedy: "We choose to sue the airlines and do the other things - not because they are easy, but because they are hard. And because it is great fun sticking your finger in the eye of an abusive, hypocritical corporation."

So gather the kids around the blog-fire and transport yourself back to a time when a frustrated flier and humble blogger said "Enough!"

And just as with the space race 40 years ago, when good triumphed over evil, a nation - nay, the world - came together for a brief moment and celebrated "One small step for man, one giant pain in the ass for JetBlue."

Summer travel: Nothing but delays and no refunds

My travails with JetBlue last summer are well-documented. JetBlue tried to delay me for three days in Portland, Oregon, with no hotel, food or any options. JetBlue blamed the weather.

I sued in small claims court and and won. JetBlue paid.

Tonight, after five delays stretching back more than a month to June 13, the space shuttle finally took flight. NASA has blamed the delays on everything from equipment problems to... the weather.

Sounds familiar.

The difference, of course, is just an order of magnitude in cost. JetBlue had to pay me $494.00, whereas every time the space shuttle delays, it costs the taxpayers of this country millions. And for what?

Well, it's been said that the only reason we built the space station was so that the space shuttle had somewhere to go. And the only reason we keep flying the space shuttle is because it is the only way to get to the space station.

Basically, the space station is a third-rate spaceport and NASA is a high-cost, delay-prone, glorified airline. Hardly a glowing tribute to the same agency that put a man on the moon 40 years ago next week.

Our country now has a trillion dollar annual deficit. Can we afford this silliness? Any way I can take NASA to small claims court and get back my portion of taxes for this dumbass program?

Haiku Friday - The Week of April 27, 2009

People often ask me how I can be so prolific with my poetry? (1)

One word: plagiarism.

There is some lonely, misguided malcontent blogging from the isolated town of Yūbari on the Japanese island of Hokkaido. Since I am fluent in the 京阪式 dialect, I just copy his work and claim it as my own.

Who's gonna stop me? Japan? I'm pretty sure we eliminated them as a military force in
August '45.

So, since there is much to say and very few syllables available, let's get to it. Here is the week in review, courtesy of my Japanese friend, 鈴木.

Going to Cancun?
Make sure to bring home the flu.
Thank you, Mexico!

Panic in New York!
Air-Force One scares everyone!
What dumb-ass planned this?

Specter joins the Dems!
Filibuster? Not this year!
G.O.P. freaks out!

Swine flu is spreading.
Will there be a pandemic?
Cheney blames Barack.

Biden says "Stay home."
His office says "Just kidding."
The prez says "Shut up!!!"

Chrysler bites the dust!
Fiat comes to the rescue!
NOW we'll buy one...not!

One-hundred days down,
Barack is a busy man.
What shoe will drop next?

The other shoe drops.
Justice Souter calls it quits.
The battle begins.

A busy week indeed. I just wonder if President Obama can keep that cool, calm demeanor if the remaining 1,358 days of his first term are as tumultuous as the first 100 days. Heck, I need a vacation and I am pretty far removed from most of the policy decisions coming out of the White House.

Have a great weekend. Relax, recharge and prepare for next week's news cycle which, at the rate things are going, will no doubt include locusts, boils and frogs.

(1) No one has ever asked me this.

Blogging at 36,000 feet: The "Mile High Club" for dweebs

 

The Wright Brothers, just after telling the world
about their first flight, via Twitter. / Image: NASA

I am typing this from my airline seat, just east of Omaha, aboard Virgin America Flight #259 from JFK to Las Vegas. Sure, the hipper, cooler and more technologically advanced kids out there have been blogging, Facebooking and Twittering from airplanes since the glory days of PanAm, but this is new to me and pretty darned neat-o, I have to say. (I also realize that true technorati do not use the term "neat-o". Whatever.)

In fact, just to see if it works, I am actually using LogMeIn to access my computer back at my office and I am typing this on THAT computer. (Yes, it works like a charm.)

Some might say that airplanes are the last bastion of true "disconnectedness", and it's a shame that we are losing this sanctuary. (In fact, Harry McCracken discusses this very topic today over on his most excellent Tecnologizer site.)

There is some merit to this argument, but I'm not too concerned. Why? Because you always have the option NOT to connect. If the boss is ticked off about you being unreachable, you can say that your battery went dead or that the wireless wasn't working on the flight or that you couldn't figure it out. All are legit excuses to take a few hours away from dealing with the constant deluge of stuff that comes at us every minute courtesy of the Internet.

But, like Harry, I would always choose a flight that offers Internet access over one that does not. It's a great way to kill time, get work done or suck up valuable in-flight bandwidth watching YouTube videos of cats playing with their tails.

(An aside: People with bad sleep apnea should not be allowed to fly or at least not be allowed to sleep on planes. The guy across the aisle from me is drowning out the pleasant drone of the engines and I did not bring my noise canceling headphones.)

I am, however, opposed to the airlines offering cell phone service on flights. Can you just imagine six hours of sitting next to the same woman who walks through the supermarket screaming into her iPhone about what a jerk her boss is?

If they do offer phone service, it should be restricted to the back of the plane, like the old smoking section days. Or, only in the bathrooms. And they should charge an extra $100 per ticket for the privilege. And we should have the right to throw dirty looks at them without fear of reprisal as we walk to and from the bathroom.

Lastly - The whole "Mile High Club" thing: That's just a myth, isn't it?

I am an airline toilet visionary

Image: Toilets Worldwide

News out today that discount Irish airline Ryanair is thinking about charging people to use the loo.

I predicted pay toilets on airplanes on this blog back in May 2008 with this oh-so-clever fake news story.

Ah, airline industry - how far you have fallen since the Pan-Am Clipper days...

Why New York City is the best... and worst

My wife and I were in New York City yesterday and walked over to Central Park South to see some of the finishers of the New York City Marathon.

(AP Photo/Jason DeCrow)

We watched the pros start and finish on television from our hotel and then headed out to the park.

You would think from the TV coverage that the entire city stops what it is doing and comes out in support of the runners. I can say that, after running it last year, it certainly feels that way. The crowds are huge almost entirely from start to finish and really help spur you on.

But yesterday, as we were walking toward Central Park South, we were struck by how you could move a single block away in any direction from the race course and you would have NO idea that the world's largest marathon was taking place at that moment. People were going about their Sunday business - walking, driving, shopping, eating - utterly unaware, uninterested or both - that the race was going on. It was a little slice of why I love New York.

What sucks about New York?

Everything - and I mean EVERYTHING - is harder to do in New York City. Shopping, parking, eating, laundry - you name it. Stuff we take for granted out here in the sticks requires planning, guile, luck and courage just to consider.

How so?

On our way out of the City, we like to stop at Zabar's - the greatest food store on earth. It is on the upper West Side at Broadway and 80th. Usually, I drive around for a few minutes, see a parking space open up on the street and grab it.

Not yesterday.

We drove around for an hour and 15 minutes, tried four parking garages (full) and never found a place to park.

We finally gave up and came home empty handed. We did stop at a local grocery store, where we found ample parking, wide aisles and nobody crashed their yuppie baby stroller into my Achilles tendons because I decided to stop and buy some corned beef while they were texting their nanny instead of paying attention.

I hate New York.

Washington D.C.: The Loser's Tour

Having just spent a few days on vacation in our nation's capital, I was again reminded of the sheer number of ways to approach sightseeing in that great city:

- Historic sites
- Political sites
- Artistic tours
- Culinary tours

Now you can add "The Loser's Tour".

We stayed at the Westin Washington D.C. City Center at 1400 M Street. Our room looked across M Street to the headquarters of the National Association of Homebuilders. Yes, the same people who, aided and abetted by the banks, were building houses as fast as they could despite the fact that the people buying them could not afford them. Now many of the houses sit abandoned, foreclosed or unfinished.

Just down the street from our hotel was the National Air Traffic Controllers Association. Yep - every time your airline says that you are sitting on the runway instead of taking off due to an "air traffic control hold", these are the guys the airlines are blaming.

And, a quick dash down the street takes us to the National Education Association - the same union that has been destroying public education since 1857.

For the last stop on our tour, take a short walk toward the Adams Morgan section of the city and pass by the national headquarters of the National Association of Broadcasters. This august organization has systematically decimated broadcast radio and television by lobbying for ownership rules that puts the majority of stations in the fewest possible hands, while actively opposing competition like satellite radio.

There you have it - the Loser's Tour of Washington D.C. Buy your tickets in the lobby.

Crazy new JetBlue horror story!

Check this one out on my other blog! It's a doozie!

Back to blogging the mundane... like the Yankees

So, from now on, I will blog about taking on JetBlue over here, where I have copied all the posts from this blog.

Here, I will go back to my random musings about anything else, like, the fact that I went to the Yankees game last night with my wife and in-laws. We wanted to get one last visit into the old Yankee Stadium before the move to the new one next door in 2009.

We had great seats, great weather and great company. A great team? Not so much. The Yankees lost to last place Baltimore 13-4. It was a disaster from the first inning. It may have been the worst game this season.

I am pretty sure I have never seen a good game when visiting Yankee Stadium. Next time I go, I will post here so you gamblers can bet against the Yanks. If I'm there, a loss is a sure thing.

JetBlue Response #2: No, really. Tough luck! Now go away!

I replied to JetBlue that I found their response unacceptable. They replied with the note below. I said "OK. See you in court."

BUT GOOD NEWS! I received my $100 flight voucher today, good for travel on a future JetBlue flight. I would try to sell it on eBay, but I am the only one who can use it. It is non-transferable.

Those crafty JetBlue-devils: Always screwing the customer at every turn!

One note: I blame all of this on JetBlue management and not the rank-and-file who have to carry out corporate policies. I am inspired to say this because of a post on Chris Elliott's blog today about how airline passengers are turning abusive toward employees and equipment. I agree with Chris's thoughts 100 percent: It is not their fault. They are handed a bag of sh*t by management and then told to go out, smile and sell it as delicious chocolate ice cream.

JetBlue employees are indeed victims here too. Their misery should not be compounded by abusive airline passengers.

For the record - during my entire ordeal, I never once used abusive or disrepectful language toward a JetBlue employee. I made my anger clear, but also made it clear that I knew it was not their fault.
-------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Baker,

Thank you for your additional email to JetBlue Airways and for letting us know of your continued disappointment. We welcome another opportunity to respond to your concerns and request.

Again, we deeply regret your disappointment and that we were unable to operate your flight as scheduled. We offer our sincere apologies for the inconvenience this has caused you.

All travel on JetBlue, whether it is domestic or international travel, is subject to JetBlue's Contract of Carriage. The Contract of Carriage details JetBlue?s liability for failure to operate in section 25 and 26. You may reference the Contract via the following link:

http://www.jetblue.com/contractofcarriage

We hope to serve you onboard a JetBlue flight again in the future.

Sincerely,

Tammy
Customer Commitment Crew
JetBlue Airways
Crewmember 91509

JetBlue Response: Tough Luck

I received the email below today from JetBlue customer service. I have told them that this response is unacceptable and that I want them to refund the amount of my ticket to get home. If they do not, I will take them to small claims court.

Notice that nowhere in her email did she acknowledge the fact that I would have had to spend three days living in the Portland airport for the next available JetBlue flight. Nowhere does she acknowledge the lack of staffing at the Portland airport.

Since I do not want to gum up my main blog with the stench of JetBlue, I have decide to set up a separate blog to document my proceedings with JetBlue at: http://myjetbluelawsuit.blogspot.com/

More to come.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Baker,

Thank you for contacting us in regards to your recent JetBlue experience. We appreciate the opportunity to address your concerns.

We regret we were unable to operate JetBlue Flight #166 on July 23, 2008 as scheduled. We know our customers rely on us to operate their flights as scheduled, but as you know sometimes it becomes necessary to cancel flights.

When we can see that weather and Air Traffic Control (ATC) delays will significantly impact our operations, we will cancel our flights as soon as possible to allow our customer enough time to make other travel arrangements. Because we were focusing our efforts to locating another Inflight Crew and to operate this flight, there was a delay in making the final decision to cancel the flight. We apologize for the inconvenience this caused.

We hope at some point in the future will we be able to welcome you back onboard so we may provide you with a renewed and positive experience.

Sincerely,

Tammy
Customer Commitment Crew
JetBlue Airways
Crewmember 91509

Journey's end: Recovering from the JetBlue blues

Made it home at midnight last night - 14 hours late and $1,000 poorer - all thanks to JetBlue.

My Northwest flight from Portland to Detroit left nearly on time, at 9:00 AM PDT. I arrived in Detroit with plenty of time to make my connection to JFK. But since the Detroit/JFK segment was delayed two hours, I had MORE than enough time.

As I explained to the JetBlue customer service people with whom I spoke today, my issues with them are:

1.) I understand that weather can cause delays - even five hour delays. Not happy about it, but totally understand.

2.) JetBlue made people spend six hours at the Portland airport - from 11:00 PM to 5:00 AM, only to tell them that the flight was cancelled.

3.) The flight was DELAYED because of weather. The flight was CANCELLED because JetBlue did not have a crew available. That is NOT an act of God. It is an act of gross incompetence and indifference on the part of JetBlue. I can not believe that in the six hours it took the plane to get from NYC to Portland that they could not come up with another crew. And if they really couldn't, that is JetBlue's fault, not the weather's.

4.) JetBlue did not have the staff on-site at the airport to deal with the aftermath of their incompetence. Initially, there was NO ONE at the JetBlue ticket counter. Then there was one person, and finally two people. Two people to deal with 150 stranded travelers who had just spent the night at the airport.

5.) How did JetBlue handle those people? They blamed the weather, which, in their mind, absolves them of any responsibility, but then "graciously" agreed to refund the Portland to New York segment, plus offer a $100 travel certificate. They would not help anyone book on other airlines. They did not make any hotel arrangements or offer food vouchers. Keep in mind that the earliest they could offer me a flight was Saturday at midnight. I tried to call 10 hotels throughout Portland and all of them said the city was booked solid due to conventions and a big beer festival. That meant, if JetBlue had its way, I would have lived at the Portland airport from Wednesday night at 11:00 PM until Saturday midnight. That is what they offered me and all the other passengers.

A couple of absolutely true stories:

- The young woman in line behind me was from eastern Europe. She spoke decent English, but had NO idea what to do. Literally. She did not know how to get to New York. I told her that if she had a credit card, do whatever it takes to get on another flight and worry about the money later. I do not know what happened to her. For all I know, she is still there.

- Another woman was in tears because she was going to her mother's memorial service. Since I arrived home 14 hours late, I have no idea if she ever had the opportunity to say a last goodbye to her mom.

Nice work, JetBlue.

As I said to the two customer service reps on the phone today - I was a big JetBlue fan until 36 hours ago. They openly screwed me and the other passengers and made no apologies whatsoever. They are morally bankrupt and deserve fiscal bankruptcy as well. They try to tout themselves as a different kind of airline, and yet they resort to the identical behavior toward customers that has so soured people on the airline industry as a whole.

I plan to continue to pursue this through JetBlue's customer complaint desk. Depending on what happens, I am considering taking them to small claims court to recover the cost of the ticket I had to purchase to do what JetBlue promised but could not. Whatever the outcome of that, it will cost them a lot more to send lawyers to small claims court than it would to simply do the right thing and make me whole.

Stay tuned.