BillBakerBlog.com

An Open Letter to Texter/Drivers

Dear texter/driver:

Actually, this is not just for the woman who ran me off the road this morning during my morning run. This is for all texter/drivers:

 F*CK YOU!

In my dream world, we'll find an island and create a country just for you, where you can all text and drive and run each other off the road until you are all extinct.

But we all know THAT isn't going to happen, so here's an alternative scenario: That you only kill yourself and maybe a member or two of YOUR family, and not me or anyone that I love.

So feel free to load your kids into your car, head out at 3:00 am, run her up to 90 and then send an all-too-important-it-just-can't-wait text message to your beer swilling buddy or your girlfriend who you met at Zumba class.

When your car goes hurtling off the road, into a pole and results in your fiery death, there will no doubt be articles in your local newspaper about what a great person and parent you were and what a tragedy it is that you and your family are dead.

But we'll know better. We'll know that the rest of us were spared from the life-threatening effects of your narcissistic, "the rules don't apply to me" attitude. Too bad your kids had to die with you, but, hey, that text WAS really, REALLY important. We're sure it was worth it.

Offended? Good. I hope it shocks you into stopping your illegal, dangerous behavior so that you and your family can live happy, healthy lives as civilized members of our community.

Still not persuaded? Well, then, I repeat: F*ck you.

Bill Baker

You Saw How We Handled the Debt Ceiling. Now Watch Us Manage the Internet

Google chairman Eric Schmidt appeared before a Senate committee today, ostensibly to answer for how big Google has become.

As part of my occasional yet on-going "Fantasy Congressional Testimony" series, I bring you this transcript:

Senator Windbag: State your name and title for the record.

Eric Schmidt: Eric Schmidt, chairman of Google.

Senator Windbag: "Schmidt", huh? Sounds foreign. Were you born here? I fought against the Kaiser in World War I, you know.

Schmidt: Yes, senator. In fact, I was born right here in Washington D.C. You could have easily Googled that.

Senator Blowhole: Don't get cute with us, sonny. Not all of us are convinced that this Internet thing is real. Now, let me ask you this:

These Google things you are running seem really big. Can you answer me this, just so my constituents understand: How many jelly beans fit into the Google? Is it more than a thousand? A million? If it is a million, that's really, REALLY big, wouldn't you say?

Schmidt: Um... huh?

Senator Blowhole: Admit it. These Googles you are selling are like the bedbug infestation in New York City. There are thousands of them.

Senator Pinhead: WTF dude?! Why do you have to hate on New York City? We didn't invent Google!

Senator Blowhole: What does "WTF" mean?

Schmidt: You could Google it.

Senator Windbag: I don't think we have an Internet in the Senate building. Can you fax me a copy and we'll add it to your testimony?

Schmidt: Are we through here?

Senator Asshat: My granddaughter asked me if her class could 'twitter' questions to this committee for us to ask during this hearing. Does anyone have any idea WTF she is talking about?

Schmidt: Twitter? Never heard of it.

Senator Windbag: Excellent! I think we've made some real progress here. One last thing, Mr. Schmidt: Have you ever met that kid from "The Social Network" movie? My granddaughter thinks he is a dreamboat.

Schmidt: I'm adjourned.

 

 

I Think The Country Is Broken

Massive deficits, partisan bickering, gridlock. As mentioned in a recent post here, these are all signs of the United States seeming slow glide to becoming a zombie nation.

But, we press on, doing our year-end rituals which include, of course, holiday shopping and rationalizing why THIS year, we are NOT sending out Christmas cards. (We're not.)

One of my December rituals is a bit of year-end tax planning because we are in the middle class and it seems that it is primarily our job to fund the government. And what a government it is, as I was reminded yet again just now.

We (my wife and I) are self-employed and pay for our own health insurance through a high-deductible insurance plan attached to a health savings account (HSA.) For those of you not familiar, the high-deducible plan means my wife and I pay for all our medical expenses out-of-pocket right up until one of our heads falls off and rolls up to the emergency room door. At that point, I think our insurance plan covers aspirin and a cold pack.

The HSA part of it means we can put money into a special savings account from which we can pay for those out-of-pocket expenses. Any money we put in (up to about $6,000) is deducted from our income when reporting our taxes.

So today, I decide to do a little research to make sure I am following the rules (being a rule follower and all.) I Google "HSA questions" and click on a link to the U.S. Treasury Department web site. The screen shot above is the screen that greets me: "THIS CONNECTION IS UNTRUSTED" with a button that says "Get me out of here!"

Yep - that sounds just about right.

Facebook Announces New Privacy Policy: "No More Social Networking!"

UCK THIS!

In a move to shore up its sagging credibility with regard to the privacy of its 900 billion members, Facebook today announced that it was removing the "social" and the "networking" aspects of its wildly popular web site to ensure that no one can see anything about anyone else, ever, for all eternity.

"We listened to our user-base and they spoke loud and clear: They signed up voluntarily and want to keep using our platform for free, but don't want to share anything with Facebook or its advertisers, so we're going to honor their wishes," said Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. "Now, the only person you can see on Facebook is yourself, and then only if you grant yourself permission to share things with yourself."

Under the new Facebook privacy protocols, users who want to know where they are at any given moment are going to have to enter an eight-character cuneiform code that identifies them as themselves and then informs that person only as to what they are doing at the exact moment. If that person moves from that location, the code expires and they have to enter a new one.

"F*ck it," said Zuckerberg. "I could have sold this thing to Ballmer for a few billion. Now, all everyone does is bitch about privacy this and security that. I think I'll call that guy from the Washington Post and see if he still wants to buy it, if only to pry the New York Times out of my ass! Hey - we're not on the record are we?"

When asked about how this might affect Facebook's valuation in an IPO, a Goldman Sachs analyst, who wished to remained anonymous because he was using his kids' college funds to short his wife's company's stock, said that the new policy would not be an issue in an IPO.

"Are you kidding me? Pets.com went public. Webvan went public. If there is one thing the housing bubble taught us is that we can put a plateful of dogsh*t in front of our clients and they'll eat it, every time. We're Goldman f-ing Sachs, for chrissake!"

Facebook: A Magical Place Where Nobody Ever Dies

I am (relatively) young at age 45. So it is very disconcerting when a classmate from high school shows up in the obituaries as one did last October. I was never that friendly with him in high school and did not keep up in the intervening 28 years, but I recall him being a nice fellow and I was sad to read of his passing.

His ghost, however, lives on... on Facebook, which has what I consider to be a rather annoying feature that suggests people we might want to "friend", based on our connections to others and on education or work history.

So this now deceased person's photo and name keep popping up as someone I might want to add as a friend. It's eerie and a bit sad.

Will it ever stop? Who knows. I am sure no one has the password to his Facebook account to delete it and even if someone did, maybe they want his page to live on in tribute. The founder of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg is all of 14 years old, so he has not really considered the possibility that one of his members might die some day.

So, I guess Dennis will continue to pay occasional visits - a poignant reminder that on the Internet, nobody has to know you are dead.

Internet Email Scam Goes Upscale and Retro

We have all been getting those emails for years:

"Dearest:

I am deposed princess in Uganda and I need help to getting my money out of country. Please email your social number, bank account and copy of birth certificate so I can wire money to you soonest so you can wire back to me.

With great affection for your help."

Or something like that.

Today, I received another one, except it came from a "lawyer" in London and it was delivered... BY SNAIL MAIL! I just love it when worlds collide.

This one is especially silly, since I was targeted because I have the same last name as the "deceased" so I get to inherent his millions. Sweet!

(Click on image for full-size)

The Ballad of Bill's iPad: Will We Ever Be As One?

 

In December, I sent an Apple iTunes gift card to my 12-year-old niece as a holiday gift. (I know - not the most creative gift, but she's 12 and I'm 45 and I was afraid that if I tied to buy her something, you know, cool, she would have ended up with a new Barbie doll or an electric toothbrush.)

I changed the shipping address in my iTunes account to her address and then never changed it back.

When I ordered my iPad in March, I never bothered to pay half a second of attention to the shipping address and sure enough, it ended up at my sister's house. Yesterday, she was kind enough to FedEx it to me here in Connecticut. She dropped it off around 1:00 PM and it has not been heard from since.

Tracking shows it was dropped off at a FedEx Office location. That's it. FedEx has no idea where it is or why tracking has not been updated. It was due here two hours ago, but that didn't happen.

My poor little iPad has traveled all the way from China to Pennsylvania and it was sooooo close to its new home and now, I fear, it has been kidnapped by a band of rogue Pennsylvania Dutch, who will no doubt be asking it to do unspeakable things like access the Bible on the Internet and display plans for a barn raising (thanks to my friend Todd Weiss for that grisly image.)

One can only hope that it will eventually find its way to my loving embrace, where it can take up its true destiny of surfing bicycle and porn web sites.

(Updates as they become available)

***April 7, 2010 UPDATE***

It's on the truck and heading for my front door. Apparently it ended up in the FedEx Ground system instead of the FedEx Overnight system. You would think that FedEx could figure that out pretty quickly, but it appears hat FedEx Overnight and FedEx Ground speak the equivalent of Mandarin and Serbo-Croatian respectively, thus the confusion.

***April 7, 2010 UPDATE #2***

It arrived and is now syncing with iTunes. It looks like I thought: a giant iPod touch. Can I send it back? I'm bored.

The Annual Shareholder Letter Every Tech CEO WANTS to Write

Warren Buffett's annual letter to shareholders is out. It's a must-read for anyone who is invested, is thinking about investing, or thinks they know something about investing.

As we approach the annual report and annual meeting season, I am sure that a survey of most CEOs (with the possible exception of Warren Buffett) would reveal that they would choose their annual colonoscopy over this little ritual.

Technology CEOs, in my opinion, find the process especially irksome, given that they are busy dealing with the fast-paced world in which they compete.

In the plain-spoken spirit of Warren Buffett, I have taken the liberty of drafting a letter that CEOs of tech companies are free to use in their annual report this year. (You're welcome.)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Shareholder:

Once upon a time, CEOs like John Jacob Astor, J.P. Morgan and Andrew Carnegie sat down once a year, put on their eye-shades, put quill to parchment and scratched out a letter to their buddies who also happened to be shareholders in their trusts and monopolies. It was their once a year obligation to blow smoke up the ass of the "owners" of their companies.

Then, they would go back to exploiting the American consumer and creating capitalism as we once knew it.

Good times.

Somehow, this anachronistic practice became frozen in amber and continues to this day, in spite of the fact that I am under no legal obligation to write such a letter.

Yes, it's true. There is no requirement for me to write an annual letter to shareholders, which may come as a surprise to you given the fact that just about everything else I do has to be immediately reported to the Securities and Exchange Commission. If I so much as think about buying or selling shares in MY OWN F-ING COMPANY, I have to get a permission slip from the Pope. Hey! Did I tell you I'm thinking about getting hair plugs? Of course I did! You can read all about it in an 8-K filing along with what I had for dinner last night, what brand of golf clubs I use and the regularity of my bowel movements.

I had a sense that things would change when we went public, but it never occurred to me that it would require me to build an in-law apartment over my garage for legal counsel. If I spent one-tenth the time on my business as I do talking to lawyers and signing my name, we'd all be enjoying robot housekeepers like Rosie on "The Jetsons" by now.

But not these days. Despite the fact that you can get, via the Internet, a real-time accounting of which sales person picked their nose during a cold-call, I still have to file an annual report and worse, spend actual time in person with you people.

Yep, Mary and Phil Gormley of Fresno get to come to a meeting and question me about whatever the f*ck they want, in spite of the fact that they own a total of 87 shares in their idiot son's 529 college savings plan.

Here - let me save you a trip: No, the board of directors will NOT consider your motion from the floor to ensure that our products are not contributing to the clubbing of baby seals in the Nunavut Territories. And yes, I realize that you think that in this post-AIG world, anyone who makes more than $18,000/year is overpaid, but I have already cashed the bonus check mentioned in the proxy statement and bought his and hers Tesla Roadsters. And as God is my witness, if you so much as raise your hand at the annual meeting, I will drive both of them straight up your ass.

FWIW - I am happy to report that we had a great year. We make software for chrissake. It's zeros and ones that we deliver over the Internet. That means about a bazillion percent margins.

Furthermore, our customers love our products. And why wouldn't they? Most people these days would rather sit huddled in front of their computer than risk exposure to sunshine and actual human contact. I mean - why grow an ACTUAL garden or do ACTUAL work when you can play "Farmville" 18 hours a day?

This is all very good for us. We have become so efficient in delivering our digital equivalent of heroin that we laid off 99 percent of our workforce in the past 12 months. This has vastly improved our margins even more. 

So who is left at the company? Me, our CFO and a couple of interns who water the plants and tweet sh*t about our products a couple of times a day.

Seriously. I'm smarter than you. I'm the one writing this letter. Just take my word that your investment is safe and let's not go through this dumb-ass kabuki theater ever again.

Sincerely,
Your CEO

Haiku Friday - The Week Ending January 29, 2010

Photo: Cornelia Baker

Picture this: You've been President of the United States for one year. In that relatively short period of time, you've gone from being the savior of the country to being despised by the right, excoriated by the left and abandoned by the middle for a state senator from Massachusetts.

BUT - you've got a chance to reconnect with the people in your first State of the Union address. Everyone will be watching and the news media will have nothing else to report on...

D'OH! That motherf'er Steve Jobs has to go and introduce his new thingamajig on the SAME F'ING DAY as your big address! Maybe HE should be president of EVERYTHING, if he's so smart!

But at least you have a whole new way to see how fast your poll numbers are dropping. Heck, you can take that Apple iPad to bed with you in the White House and watch your popularity drop in real time.

Anyway, it seems President Obama can't buy a break. Better to write a few haiku than to curse the darkness. That's our motto around here.

Toyota screws up.
Its cars just can't seem to stop.
Ford and GM laugh.

Steve Jobs saves the world.
A new thing for us to buy,
except we're all broke.

Obama's address:
"We have nothing to fear but
that a-hole Steve Jobs."

Alito mouths off.
"Not true" he says to the prez.
They should have a beer.

Ford posts a profit!
Toyota is imploding!
It's Bizarro World!

If you own a Toyota, if I were you, I would run out this weekend and trade it in for a Saab. It looks like that august car company will stick around after all and, stopping a Saab is not the issue. It's keeping them running that gives all us owners agita.

Top Ten Reasons to Buy the Apple iPad

Image: Apple

10) Because we're in a recession and what this economy needs is more people buying gadgets that will be obsolete in six months so that we can employ contract manufacturers in Southeast Asia.

9) AT&T needs more people sucking down its already excellent 3G bandwidth.

8) You know those big, foam "We're #1" fingers that people will be wearing at the Superbowl? Well, now they have a device big enough to accommodate the finger.

7) Apple could make a wireless version of a dead skunk and you're going to buy it, so this one is a no brainer.

6) Because people who have not been willing to pay for content for the past decade will of course now buy a $600 device so that they can now PAY for that content that 10 seconds ago they wanted for free.

5) Remember when Flavor Flav wore big, giant clocks around his neck? Now, he can wear an iPad.

4) You own a 52 inch flat-screen TV. Now you can watch TV on a screen that is 1/10 that size.

3) If you live in the northern half of the country, you can strap it to a broom handle, carry it in your car and use it as an emergency snow shovel.

2) Imagine the looks you'll get when you go jogging with it strapped to your arm.

1) Steve Jobs wants to buy Hawaii and this might just put him over the top.

My Favorite Blogs and News Sites of 2009

I read a lot of stuff on the Interweb. There are so many good writers and sources of useful, entertaining and humorous material out there.

After careful refection as to which sites I regularly read, I have decided that my all time favorite for the year is... this one.

That's right. I love reading my own blog, if for no other reason than if not me, who else will bother to read it?

But, I certainly want to acknowledge and send a shout-out to the runner-ups. Perhaps they could aspire to depose my own blog as my top pick for 2010.

In no particular order:

- CBS News, Coop's Corner: While I miss Charlie Cooper at CNET, he has a special flair for pissing off anyone who thinks Sarah Palin is the bee's knees. What's not to like about that?

- CNET's Webware: Always useful and helpful information on Internet-y stuff.

- BrandFlakesForBreakfast: My friend Darryl Ohrt's fun, pithy and quick-reading source for all things advertising, branding and social media.

- New York Times Well blog: As a barely competent amateur triathlete, it's nice to know I have company and to find all sorts of helpful information on how not to get any slower than I already am.

- Technologizer: Editor-in-chief and grand-poobah Harry McCracken is a veteran journalist in the technology industry. His experience, deep-knowledge and irreverent humor all come through loud and clear.

- CNET's Crave: I like gadgets. So does this blog. 'Nuff said.

- Woot!: If you don't know about Woot!, you should. They sell one item each day (not a single item, but many copies of the same item). It's always a good deal and if it sells out, tough luck. But even if you're not buying, the product descriptions are worth the read.

- Romanesko: I'm a media junkie. Have been for 30 years or so. This is my fix.

- Politico: I am also a politics junkie, but only to the extent that it's fun to watch these dim-bulbs step on their own d*cks over and over and over again. (In Larry Craig's case, that might have actually happened...)

- Scotus Blog: All about the Supreme Court. I only added it to make me look all erudite and because I needed one more in order to be able to use the nifty "Top 10" graphic at the top of this entry.

There are probably about a hundred more that I could cite, but these are the ones that leapt to mind in the 14 seconds I spent thinking about it.

I am happy to add others that you suggest, but that would require someone else besides me to be reading this.

Happy New Year.

Haiku Friday - The Week of October 19, 2009

As the trees continued shedding their leaves, this week saw another one of those seminal events in our lives. One of those "I remember exactly where I was when it happened" moments. Just like that night almost a year ago, when Barack Obama won the election, this day too shall be spoken of and passed down from generation to generation.

Of course, I am speaking of the launch of a new operating system from Microsoft.

For those of you with, you know... lives, the launch of Windows 7 may have slipped by you. Don't sweat it. You didn't miss much. Sure, Windows 7 is being heralded (by Microsoft) as the best Microsoft operating system since Windows XP, but the truth is, the boys in Redmond are clinging to old computing paradigms like grim death.

Don't take my word for it. Read the excellent account of Microsoft's slow fade-to-black by Ashlee Vance in this past Sunday's New York Times.

Unfortunately for all of us, Haiku Harry did not get the memo that nobody gives a rat's ass about the last few farts from a dying dinosaur like Microsoft. Harry got caught up in the awesome power of Microsoft's mighty marketing machine and spent the week camping out in front of his local Best Buy, so he could be first in line to buy a copy of Windows 7. He set up camp on Sunday night. On Thursday morning, he was still the only person in line. Cold, dejected and humiliated, he quietly went home without buying anything.

As such, he missed a whole week of news and is basically phoning in (with an iPhone) this week's abbreviated Haiku Friday.

Balloon Boy a SHAM!
The media is ashamed!!
Stay tuned for details!!!

Bankers' pay is capped.
Wall Street: "But we'll lose the best!"
Taxpayers: "Bye-bye!"

New Windows arrives.
Ballmer says: "It's the best yet."
Google is NOT scared.

Fear not. Harry has learned his lesson and will go back to camping out ONLY for important events, like U2 tickets and any product release from Apple.

My New Email Disclaimer

My friend Darryl Ohrt lamented on Facebook about the length of those corporate email legal disclaimers at the end of every message that employees send.

You know the ones that say "Hey! I know you did nothing wrong, but if this email wasn't meant for you, don't read it or we'll sue your ass and take your children."

Until now, I've never used email disclaimers for my business, but now realize that is a mistake.

So here it is - my new corporate email disclaimer:

This email was probably intended for you to read, but if not, I can't imagine anything in it that would destroy the kingdom. Let's face it: most of the emails that most of us send are pretty unimportant and banal. The business emails are mostly from some corporate accounting drone cc'ing everyone in the English-speaking world in an effort to cover his ass so that, six months from now when the sh*t hits the fan, he can say "Hey - I copied you on that!" Unless this email is about national security or the invention of a way to replace gasoline with Marshmallow Fluff, chances are you will not care one wit about its content. And, if this were about either of those things, then I deserve to get fired for sending emails about it to you by mistake in the first place. So go ahead - read it. Or don't. Makes no difference to me since chances are, the person for whom it was intended cares even less about it than you do, and is grateful not to have received it.

So there you have it. I believe my lawyers will be pleased.

A Tale of Two Seattle Companies: Amazon and Boeing

***WARNING - THIS BLOG IS ABOUT TO MAKE A REALLY RIDICULOUS AND UNFAIR COMPARISON BETWEEN TWO COMPANIES THAT ARE IN SUCH UNRELATED BUSINESSES, THEY MIGHT AS WELL BE SELLING BOOKS AND AIRPLANES.***

I started buying books from Amazon in 1996. But for a brief period a few years ago, when I was mad at Amazon for something (I think it was getting gouged on shipping charges by one of their independent merchants), this company has consistently provided great prices, great customer service and a tendency to under-promise and over-deliver. For example, Amazon says that something will ship, for free, in 8-10 days and then it shows up three days later.

Contrast that with Boeing, which today announced yet another delay in the first flight of its 787 Dreamliner jet.

This airplane is arguably one of the most anticipated in the history of commercial aviation. Boeing adopted a totally new development and manufacturing model that involves outsourcing various parts to manufacturers around the world and then assembling them in Seattle. Thus far, this has proved to be an unmitigated disaster.

Boeing customers (the airlines) are getting pissed off at the delays and investors are getting antsy.

Most important, though, is the message this sends to the ultimate end-user of Boeing products - the flying public.

The 787 has been so fraught with delays and problems, you have to wonder about the pressures within Boeing to get this thing out the door.

Of course, any flight certification will only come after rigorous testing and government approvals. Boeing is truly one of the great companies of the world and eventually this plane will fly and people will accept it just as they do any other airplane.

But maybe Boeing needs to take a page from its Seattle neighbor Amazon's playbook. That is - stop this death by a thousand cuts and just come clean with everyone - customers, investors and the flying public. Get all the bad news out at once and maybe pad it a little toward the negative.

Then, you can come in ahead of this worst-case scenario and get on with building great planes and kicking the crap out of those annoying French over at Airbus.

(Image: Boeing)

Congress: "We Took Care of Bank Oversight. Now - Text Messaging!"

Let me get this straight: In the midst of economic ruin, Congress is taking time to hold hearings on... text messaging???

Yep. Rather than tell people to, oh, I don't know - STOP TEXTING - Congress hauls the wireless carriers into hearings and asks them why they are making so much money on text messages.

In the spirit of my occasional "Fantasy Congressional Testimony" series, I've imagined how the hearings would go if I worked for Verizon Wireless and was called before Congress:

Senator Dipshit: "Mr. Baker - can you explain to this committee why your company is making so much money on text messages?"

Me: "Because people want to text, so we are more than willing to sell them the ability to do so. Were you out the day they taught capitalism in the second grade, senator?"

Senator Asshat: "But Mr. Baker - those text messages only cost your company about 1/10 of a cent to carry, yet you are charging some customers up to 20 cents. How can you justify this?"

Me: "Well, senator, I'm glad you asked. You see, we have a nationwide team of assassins who go out and threaten to kill our customers unless they send banal, useless messages to each other about what kind of coffee they are having or how Cindy slept with Timmy last night after the football game. Our customers are so scared of being murdered by us, that they just keep texting away. You might say that we have a gun to their head."

Senator Dickfor: "Really?"

Me: "No, you moron. Believe it or not, people do not have to text at all. We've survived all but the last three years of human history without text messaging, but somehow you are treating it as if we were jacking up the prices on penicillin or oxygen. For the love of Mike, can you go 10 seconds without giving in to every sniveling, illiterate constituent of yours whose daughter racked up $900 in text charges last month and rather than pay it, they go running to you and ask that hearings be held? What the f*ck are we doing here???"

I have been told that, for some reason, I would have a tough time running for any sort of public office. I can't imagine why.