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Haiku Friday - The Week of October 19, 2009

As the trees continued shedding their leaves, this week saw another one of those seminal events in our lives. One of those "I remember exactly where I was when it happened" moments. Just like that night almost a year ago, when Barack Obama won the election, this day too shall be spoken of and passed down from generation to generation.

Of course, I am speaking of the launch of a new operating system from Microsoft.

For those of you with, you know... lives, the launch of Windows 7 may have slipped by you. Don't sweat it. You didn't miss much. Sure, Windows 7 is being heralded (by Microsoft) as the best Microsoft operating system since Windows XP, but the truth is, the boys in Redmond are clinging to old computing paradigms like grim death.

Don't take my word for it. Read the excellent account of Microsoft's slow fade-to-black by Ashlee Vance in this past Sunday's New York Times.

Unfortunately for all of us, Haiku Harry did not get the memo that nobody gives a rat's ass about the last few farts from a dying dinosaur like Microsoft. Harry got caught up in the awesome power of Microsoft's mighty marketing machine and spent the week camping out in front of his local Best Buy, so he could be first in line to buy a copy of Windows 7. He set up camp on Sunday night. On Thursday morning, he was still the only person in line. Cold, dejected and humiliated, he quietly went home without buying anything.

As such, he missed a whole week of news and is basically phoning in (with an iPhone) this week's abbreviated Haiku Friday.

Balloon Boy a SHAM!
The media is ashamed!!
Stay tuned for details!!!

Bankers' pay is capped.
Wall Street: "But we'll lose the best!"
Taxpayers: "Bye-bye!"

New Windows arrives.
Ballmer says: "It's the best yet."
Google is NOT scared.

Fear not. Harry has learned his lesson and will go back to camping out ONLY for important events, like U2 tickets and any product release from Apple.

My New Email Disclaimer

My friend Darryl Ohrt lamented on Facebook about the length of those corporate email legal disclaimers at the end of every message that employees send.

You know the ones that say "Hey! I know you did nothing wrong, but if this email wasn't meant for you, don't read it or we'll sue your ass and take your children."

Until now, I've never used email disclaimers for my business, but now realize that is a mistake.

So here it is - my new corporate email disclaimer:

This email was probably intended for you to read, but if not, I can't imagine anything in it that would destroy the kingdom. Let's face it: most of the emails that most of us send are pretty unimportant and banal. The business emails are mostly from some corporate accounting drone cc'ing everyone in the English-speaking world in an effort to cover his ass so that, six months from now when the sh*t hits the fan, he can say "Hey - I copied you on that!" Unless this email is about national security or the invention of a way to replace gasoline with Marshmallow Fluff, chances are you will not care one wit about its content. And, if this were about either of those things, then I deserve to get fired for sending emails about it to you by mistake in the first place. So go ahead - read it. Or don't. Makes no difference to me since chances are, the person for whom it was intended cares even less about it than you do, and is grateful not to have received it.

So there you have it. I believe my lawyers will be pleased.

A Tale of Two Seattle Companies: Amazon and Boeing

***WARNING - THIS BLOG IS ABOUT TO MAKE A REALLY RIDICULOUS AND UNFAIR COMPARISON BETWEEN TWO COMPANIES THAT ARE IN SUCH UNRELATED BUSINESSES, THEY MIGHT AS WELL BE SELLING BOOKS AND AIRPLANES.***

I started buying books from Amazon in 1996. But for a brief period a few years ago, when I was mad at Amazon for something (I think it was getting gouged on shipping charges by one of their independent merchants), this company has consistently provided great prices, great customer service and a tendency to under-promise and over-deliver. For example, Amazon says that something will ship, for free, in 8-10 days and then it shows up three days later.

Contrast that with Boeing, which today announced yet another delay in the first flight of its 787 Dreamliner jet.

This airplane is arguably one of the most anticipated in the history of commercial aviation. Boeing adopted a totally new development and manufacturing model that involves outsourcing various parts to manufacturers around the world and then assembling them in Seattle. Thus far, this has proved to be an unmitigated disaster.

Boeing customers (the airlines) are getting pissed off at the delays and investors are getting antsy.

Most important, though, is the message this sends to the ultimate end-user of Boeing products - the flying public.

The 787 has been so fraught with delays and problems, you have to wonder about the pressures within Boeing to get this thing out the door.

Of course, any flight certification will only come after rigorous testing and government approvals. Boeing is truly one of the great companies of the world and eventually this plane will fly and people will accept it just as they do any other airplane.

But maybe Boeing needs to take a page from its Seattle neighbor Amazon's playbook. That is - stop this death by a thousand cuts and just come clean with everyone - customers, investors and the flying public. Get all the bad news out at once and maybe pad it a little toward the negative.

Then, you can come in ahead of this worst-case scenario and get on with building great planes and kicking the crap out of those annoying French over at Airbus.

(Image: Boeing)

Congress: "We Took Care of Bank Oversight. Now - Text Messaging!"

Let me get this straight: In the midst of economic ruin, Congress is taking time to hold hearings on... text messaging???

Yep. Rather than tell people to, oh, I don't know - STOP TEXTING - Congress hauls the wireless carriers into hearings and asks them why they are making so much money on text messages.

In the spirit of my occasional "Fantasy Congressional Testimony" series, I've imagined how the hearings would go if I worked for Verizon Wireless and was called before Congress:

Senator Dipshit: "Mr. Baker - can you explain to this committee why your company is making so much money on text messages?"

Me: "Because people want to text, so we are more than willing to sell them the ability to do so. Were you out the day they taught capitalism in the second grade, senator?"

Senator Asshat: "But Mr. Baker - those text messages only cost your company about 1/10 of a cent to carry, yet you are charging some customers up to 20 cents. How can you justify this?"

Me: "Well, senator, I'm glad you asked. You see, we have a nationwide team of assassins who go out and threaten to kill our customers unless they send banal, useless messages to each other about what kind of coffee they are having or how Cindy slept with Timmy last night after the football game. Our customers are so scared of being murdered by us, that they just keep texting away. You might say that we have a gun to their head."

Senator Dickfor: "Really?"

Me: "No, you moron. Believe it or not, people do not have to text at all. We've survived all but the last three years of human history without text messaging, but somehow you are treating it as if we were jacking up the prices on penicillin or oxygen. For the love of Mike, can you go 10 seconds without giving in to every sniveling, illiterate constituent of yours whose daughter racked up $900 in text charges last month and rather than pay it, they go running to you and ask that hearings be held? What the f*ck are we doing here???"

I have been told that, for some reason, I would have a tough time running for any sort of public office. I can't imagine why.

Colgate-Palmolive: "F*ck the Environment! Buy These Stupid Toothbrushes!"

 

"The Colgate Wisp: Freshen Your Breath While You Destroy the Planet for Your Kids!"

The other day I receive an order from an online pharmacy and it comes with a free sample of a new product from Colgate called "Wisp". Basically, it is a plastic, one-time use toothbrush so that you can "freshen up multiple times throughout the day."

Hey - I'm all for fresh and minty breath, but really. Isn't this just another example of "just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should"?

These things cost more than 50 cents each, so if you use one three times a day, you are looking at $500+ per year to brush your teeth in between brushing your teeth.

But never mind that. How you spend your money is up to you.

The thing that got my wheels turning is that one has to assume that if a big company like Colgate-Palmolive put millions into R&D and will spend millions more manufacturing and marketing these things, that the company hopes it will be a big commercial success.

So imagine, say, 20 million people, brushing their teeth three times a day with these things and then throwing them out. That's 60 million little plastic toothbrushes, with the half-life of plutonium, going into our landfills every day. Multiply that by 365 days and that comes out to...9,000 bazillion pieces of unnecessary of polyethylene ending up in our landfills each year. That's plastic made from foreign oil. (Think of it this way: Every time you use a Wisp, a Saudi-backed terrorist gets his wings.) And they are packaged in individual plastic and paper containers.

Now, I am not a crazy environmentalist, but I am very much opposed to hypocrisy.

Which is why I find Colgate's supposed environmental stewardship to be such an insult. It's called "Respect for our Planet."

Um, yeah. If respect for our planet means throwing up a web page and then manufacturing utterly useless products that will sit in our landfills until the Sun burns out, you guys have it nailed.

PS: What lame marketing asshat came up with the oh-so-tragically hip web site for this product? I can just imagine the conversation among the marketing gurus around conference table at Colgate who actually approved this:

"Don, I think this web site really speaks to the kids!"

"You're right, Courtney. Those foul-mouthed Gen-yers will really get down to our funky beat!"

Let's start a pool as to how long it takes this product to die a quiet and deserved death. I give it a year, tops.

Haiku Friday - The Week of April 20, 2009

It seems like only yesterday that our peripatetic president was completing yet another leg of his "I'm not George Bush" world tour.

Wait. It was yesterday.

Next month, he plans to go mountain biking with those zany Talibaners.

June: Lawn bowling with the janjuweed in Darfur.

But we're getting ahead of ourselves. Let's look back at the week that was, in no more, and no less than 17 syllables.

Yet another trip.
Bambi schmoozes Chavez while
Bolivia whines.

Oracle buys Sun.
Will Lar grow a ponytail?
Perhaps Jon a beard...

Dick Cheney is mad!
"The end justifies the means;
Torture keeps us safe!"

The Supremes debate
whether or not to let schools
strip search our children.

Chrysler: Almost dead.
Will Fiat be the lifeline?
I say "Good riddance."

Here in the northeast we are looking forward to temperatures approaching 90 this weekend. Three days ago, it was sleeting. That's how it goes these days: one day you're down, the next you're up. Happily, there's Haiku Friday to keep score.

Next week: President Obama finishes off his first 100 days. I wonder if Dick Cheney will send a card.

Twitter Redux: Stop the Madness

It seems you can't swing a dead cat these days without running into a breathless media story about Twitter. (That is for those of you who, like me, still use twirling animal carcasses to help you go about your daily chores.)

This past weekend, I read three business stories, plus listened to an extended discussion about the "Twitter Revolution" in Moldova (I'm not kidding) on my favorite NPR show, On the Media.

It shocks me that I have been on Twitter for more than two years(!), and I still am up in the air about it.

In March 2007, I posted "Twitter? More Like Fritter?" on this blog, questioning its value.

Boy was I wrong. And right.

Yes, Twitter is a phenomenon, but very few if any of us are exactly sure how or why. More important, no one really knows if there will ever be a business model behind Twitter. To that point, I refer you to Charles Cooper, curmudgeon extraordinaire over on CNET. He is boycotting writing about Twitter until something interesting actually happens.

And rest assured, when it does, I'll try to be one of the first to Twitter about it.

Dueling Laptops: Dell versus Acer

Image: Amazon.com

What is it about svelte new laptops that demand websites with lame, vaguely club-like music that might sound cool in Kroger but not anywhere else?

Dell launched the web site for its alleged MacBook Air killer, the Adamo, a few weeks ago. Get ready for the sounds of Enya.

Acer is launching its own attempt at the Kate Moss-look laptop with the Timeline. Get ready for some oh-so-hip smooth jazz, circa 1991.

Here's what I did: I started both web sites simultaneously and let the two soundtracks play at the same time. I'm pretty sure it sounds better than each individually and I am positive some enterprising young college student with no job prospects this summer and lots of free time could turn it into a YouTube mashup sensation.

Blogging at 36,000 feet: The "Mile High Club" for dweebs

 

The Wright Brothers, just after telling the world
about their first flight, via Twitter. / Image: NASA

I am typing this from my airline seat, just east of Omaha, aboard Virgin America Flight #259 from JFK to Las Vegas. Sure, the hipper, cooler and more technologically advanced kids out there have been blogging, Facebooking and Twittering from airplanes since the glory days of PanAm, but this is new to me and pretty darned neat-o, I have to say. (I also realize that true technorati do not use the term "neat-o". Whatever.)

In fact, just to see if it works, I am actually using LogMeIn to access my computer back at my office and I am typing this on THAT computer. (Yes, it works like a charm.)

Some might say that airplanes are the last bastion of true "disconnectedness", and it's a shame that we are losing this sanctuary. (In fact, Harry McCracken discusses this very topic today over on his most excellent Tecnologizer site.)

There is some merit to this argument, but I'm not too concerned. Why? Because you always have the option NOT to connect. If the boss is ticked off about you being unreachable, you can say that your battery went dead or that the wireless wasn't working on the flight or that you couldn't figure it out. All are legit excuses to take a few hours away from dealing with the constant deluge of stuff that comes at us every minute courtesy of the Internet.

But, like Harry, I would always choose a flight that offers Internet access over one that does not. It's a great way to kill time, get work done or suck up valuable in-flight bandwidth watching YouTube videos of cats playing with their tails.

(An aside: People with bad sleep apnea should not be allowed to fly or at least not be allowed to sleep on planes. The guy across the aisle from me is drowning out the pleasant drone of the engines and I did not bring my noise canceling headphones.)

I am, however, opposed to the airlines offering cell phone service on flights. Can you just imagine six hours of sitting next to the same woman who walks through the supermarket screaming into her iPhone about what a jerk her boss is?

If they do offer phone service, it should be restricted to the back of the plane, like the old smoking section days. Or, only in the bathrooms. And they should charge an extra $100 per ticket for the privilege. And we should have the right to throw dirty looks at them without fear of reprisal as we walk to and from the bathroom.

Lastly - The whole "Mile High Club" thing: That's just a myth, isn't it?

I Hear They Discovered Life on Neptune

I was traveling the past few days, attending the Open Source Business Conference, which is a... um... conference about the business of open source software.

It sort of sidetracked personal blogging activity a bit.

I am always surprised by how, when I attend these things, I become completely immersed in the goings-on, to the exclusion of the rest of the world. Meetings, conference sessions, drunken walks with business associates through The Streets of San Francisco after a late dinner of saki with a side order of sushi - all conspire to distract from what's happening outside the "trade show bubble."

So, yes, I missed President Obama's press conference. And I guess he got called out for being all giggly on 60 Minutes, and I sort of caught wind of the latest plan for Tim Geithner to bail out the Pacific Ocean, but I really don't know anything beyond the headlines.

Which, in a way, is sort of comforting. It is nice to attend a conference where smart people at great companies are talking about doing business, in spite of the constant Sturm und Drang that spills over us every minute through the media and on highly questionable blogs like this one.

There is some good news out here in the semi-real world. Companies are still doing stuff - making things, taking orders, delivering products, serving customers and cashing checks.

Sure, times are tough. But life goes on in (at least) some parts of the business world (like open source software).

Who knew?

Darwin Would Have Loved Twitter

This story is already a couple of days old, but I was born a couple of days late and have not yet caught up.

Seems some Generation-Z smart-ass tweeted that she had landed a job at Cisco and mused publicly, on Twitter, whether the "fatty paycheck" was worth the commute and the fact that she would hate her job.

Thanks to Twitter and a stupendous lack of discretion, Cisco can spare itself from hiring another coddled, self-important child who clearly doesn't have the common sense God gave a brussels sprout.

And, speaking as a Cisco shareholder, I certainly would not want anyone who hates her job before she has actually started it to come and work for my company.

Oh no! Who knew Ohno has fans?!

Image: apoloantonohno.com

My snarky screed about the New York Times coverage of Apolo Anton Ohno has set off a mini-firestorm over in the chat room of the Got Apolo web site and in the comments on this blog. I had no idea he has such a massive following. Apparently, somebody does, indeed, give a crap about short track speed skating.

As a colleague just pointed out to me: "Someone who follows the Tour de France shouldn't have much to say about short track speed skating."

Fair enough.

For the record, I never questioned Mr. Ohno's atheltic ability or his dedication. I just questioned the Times' editorial choices given the (perhaps limited) popularity of the sport. Then again, any story that pushes Mr. April, steroid-boy A-Rod, off the front page of the New York papers is OK by me.

I now plan to join the 332 proud members of the Apolo fan club over on Facebook and lobby for him to appear in his own reality series.

Does Jimmy Fallon Own Palm Stock?

As a PR guy for tech companies, and as an owner of the original Palm Pilot (from 1996) who is rooting for Palm to survive, I have to say "bravo!" to Palm's PR team for managing to secure what amounts to an eight-minute commercial for the new, not-yet-available Palm Pre smartphone on "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon."

I just wonder why in the world Late Night producers would do this (and if they are open to doing the same for some very dynamic, very cool companies that just happen to be my clients!)

Happy Birthday, Baker Blog: Celebrating 3 Years of...Typing

This week kicks off the international celebration commemorating the third anniversary of the founding of this blog on March 14, 2006.

As with any birthday, it is so gratifying when others reach out with their good wishes and I was pleased that some of the world's leading lights in technology, politics, business and entertainment have chosen to do so. In fact, many of the same people who have found their names on this blog have been effusive with their comments.*

 Allow me to share a few:

• "He writes about as good as we treat our customers." - The airline industry
• "I'm not sure who he is, but make sure he knows and writes that I am not a socialist. " - President Barack Obama
• "One would think that after three years, people other than his mother and mother-in-law would read his blog." - Bill Baker's wife
• "Three years? Really? Never heard of it or of him, to be honest." - Senator Chris Dodd, Connecticut
• "I plan to drive one of our new hybrid prototype vehicles that we plan to sell in 2043 all the way out and deliver my congratulations in person, if you catch my drift..." - GM CEO Rick Wagoner
• "F*ck him." - Former Lehman Brothers CEO Dick Fuld
• "What Dick said." - Former Merrill-Lynch CEO John Thain
• "See? Free speech isn't all it's cracked up to be, now, is it?" - Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao
• "Does he want to work for Treasury?" - Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner
• "That blog is a mess. It is a shining example of our failing education system in this country." - House Speaker Nancy Pelosi
• "I'm just getting on the Internet for the first time, so I haven't had the chance to see what this 'blog' craze is all about." - Former president George W. Bush
• "I invented the Internet for THIS???" - Tim Berners-Lee

* Every single one of these are made up. None of these people ever contacted me or said any of these things. Except possibly John Thain, but all his emails go to my spam filter.

Media to World: "Stay Tuned for Nude Jell-O Wrestling, Right After This Break!"

Photo: (Boston Globe/Essdras M Suarez)

Much to my chagrin, the news industry is in the fight of its life. I happen to be one of the few (and ever-shrinking minority, it would seem) that believes a free press is a cornerstone of our democracy.

Whatever.

High-minded, starry-eyed rhetoric is no match for a good dose of T&A. And the good folks at the New York Times Company know this.

Of course, the editors of New York Times would never sully the honor of "The Gray Lady" by having her strip down to her jog-bra and thong and take a dip in the cesspool that passes for modern culture these days.

No.

We'll leave that to that backwater bastion of low-brow journalism - The Boston Globe. (The New York Times Co. owns the Globe, for those who were not aware.)

And so we have an online pictorial feature a couple of days ago of cheerleader tryouts for the New England Patriots (a team, I might remind my Massachusetts-based compadres, that did NOT make the playoffs this past season.)

The media may in fact, be dying, and the very foundation on which this country was built may be crumbling, but I have to say: "Bravo, Boston Globe! Way to go out in a blaze of [insert offensive and inappropriate euphemism here.]"